Can I say I hate you TOO right now for being nasty to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:all of you claiming you "would not tolerate" your child saying "I hate you" or other language, clearly do not have teenagers.

I recently told my 15 year old that no matter what she said, no matter how much nastiness she threw my way, no matter how unpleasant she tried to be, I would always love her, unconditionally. She had no retort for that.

My mom said this to me when I was a terrible teenager and I am so grateful. I plan to do the same if I run into this situation in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:all of you claiming you "would not tolerate" your child saying "I hate you" or other language, clearly do not have teenagers.

I recently told my 15 year old that no matter what she said, no matter how much nastiness she threw my way, no matter how unpleasant she tried to be, I would always love her, unconditionally. She had no retort for that.

My mom said this to me when I was a terrible teenager and I am so grateful. I plan to do the same if I run into this situation in the future.

This is a good idea. I like this. You can even say it if you are mad and need to say something.

As a person who divorced a man who became progressively severely mentally ill, verbally abusive and physically threatening AFTER our daughter turned 5, I have real triggers with hateful nasty language from her now teenage self.

And no, she did not SEE this behavior, this is the behavior that caused me to divorce her dad so that she never would.

However, she has possibly inherited his predisposition towards mental illness in some form. She really is nothing like him, though.

All that being said, when she was pulling the I hate you's (thankfully rare and she doesnt do that anymore- we have had lots of conversations about this) I had a real hard time "controlling myself' " and not saying something back that I wasnt proud of. However, I have always been accountable for anything I said that was wrong and not repeated it. I would go to her and say specifically what I said was wrong, and why, what I SHOULD have said and why.

If you cant model perfect responses, and its damned hard, you CAN model accountability. This is the most useful tool to implement because it applies to a broad spectrum of relationships as well as being critical to understanding how one's behavior affects others. It also shows the reasoning behind responses. Saying nothing and walking away can sometimes be the TOTALLY WRONG thing to do because the person feels abandoned.

That being said, beware the trap of "Im sorry, BUT" as in "IM sorry I said X, but you made me so mad." That teaches the wrong lesson. Its essentially saying "Look what you made me do".

Instead one has to say "IM sorry I said X. I was very upset. I should have said Y because thats what I was actually feeling. When you said XYZ, I felt XYZ. "

This kind of response is best done when no one is angry anymore, but leaving things UNsaid is a really bad idea.

BAck and forth insults with ANYone especially your own kid who relies on you to be the adult in the room
(whether you know it or not, whether THEY know it or not, and whether you CAN do it or not) is a recipe for more damage to the relationship.

Not so easy, this parenting stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So as a mom of 18 y.o. and 16 y.o. DDs, and having seen my friends' DDs grow up, I want to start with that teen girls have very different verbal skills. My 18 y.o. is verbally gifted, and especially around 15 or so, her mouth was so weaponized it was hell to be around her. My 16 y.o. is more of a STEM kid and just doesn't fight mean like that.

So I'm just saying to the PPs who have kids who would never dream of verbal sass, please stand down and give OP a little compassion. I know you think it's your superior parenting that has produced DDs who won't dare say anything mean to you, and for some of you it may be true, but for others of you, it's your kid's personality, not your parenting.

OP, don't model what you don't want to get back. I've never called my 18 y.o. a B**** and I'm glad. She still can be hard but nothing like a few years ago. The change in them as they mature is amazing.

So for now, walk away or let it wash over you. I can remember fuming away in the garage thinking, "I can do this for 5 more years. Then she'll be gone" Now I'm down to 9 months before college and I can see that I TOO will be one of those weepy moms as my kid heads off into the sunset. I never would think that it would be possible for me to feel anything but "Thank G-d she's not MY roommate anymore!"

This.

I have sons. One is verbally "advanced" and the other isn't. Same parents, same upbringing, same set of expectations. They express themselves very very differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I said "I hate you!" my mom used to say, "well right now I'm not too fond of you either."

We've never been particularly close.

My kids are younger but my 6-year-old has talked about wishing she had a different family. I just try to explain how much that hurts my feelings because I try very hard to be a good parent to her and love her very much. I imagine when she's older I'll try to do an age-appropriate version of the same, but may or may not be so patient.

You need to find a different approach. You are letting your kid know that they found a tool to hurt you. Your response makes it sound like the kid is in charge and you are the servant. Just say something like “I am sorry you feel that way, I love you.” Do not have a lengthy conversation about how hard you try to please the kid. I have seen parents like you. They mean well but their kids grow up to be mean bullies.

[Anonymous]

Dude!

[Anonymous]

Why did a PP’s mom make your sister wear the same clothes for a whole school year?

[Anonymous]

No. You don't get to indulge in childish behavior just because your kid is acting childish. Even if they're being hateful.

When my kids said this, I responded with "I'm sorry to hear that. I think you're just mad at me. I love you even when you're mad at me."

It drove them absolutely crazy.