Can I say I hate you TOO right now for being nasty to me?

[Anonymous]

I loved Katie Kaboom (45yo mom) but my kids can't say "Go away, stop talking" to me ever. If they do they know it is Samson-in-the-temple time: life will never be the same for them.

[Anonymous]

Nope. But, it’s entirely in bounds to say: I’m angry at you to right now. Or: it’s a good thing I love you, because I don’t love this behavior.

Reframe what they are saying. Model using the right words. Call them out on the behavior without attacking them as a person.

Probably bast not to add the B*tch.

[Anonymous]

Give yourself a timeout if you’re that mad but it’s fine to have consequences for consistent rudeness to that level. They should be clear cut, proportional, and discussed ahead of time though, not in the midst of a melt down. In general I think it’s fine if your teen understands that if they keep saying I hate you they shouldn’t plan on asking you to drive them to the mall in the next breath.

[Anonymous]

Just express the truth: “I love you and I always will. Even when you’ve just told me you hate me and I’m furious with you, I don’t stop loving you.”

On a different board here on dcum, a teacher once posted something like “The kids who are the hardest to love often need love the most.” She was speaking about students, but it struck a cord with me. When my child says she hates me, she’s hurting so badly that she needs really strong words to express her anger/frustration/powerlessness. She’s saying the worst thing she can think of because that’s the emotional state she’s in. She needs my help and guidance, and perhaps, comforting, even though she’s not ready for it yet. We all need to know that no matter what, we’ve always got mom’s love to fall back on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just express the truth: “I love you and I always will. Even when you’ve just told me you hate me and I’m furious with you, I don’t stop loving you.”

On a different board here on dcum, a teacher once posted something like “The kids who are the hardest to love often need love the most.” She was speaking about students, but it struck a cord with me. When my child says she hates me, she’s hurting so badly that she needs really strong words to express her anger/frustration/powerlessness. She’s saying the worst thing she can think of because that’s the emotional state she’s in. She needs my help and guidance, and perhaps, comforting, even though she’s not ready for it yet. We all need to know that no matter what, we’ve always got mom’s love to fall back on.

*chord
Damn, I meant to fix that before submitting.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t allowed at my house. It’s just not.

My kids do not scream at me. They don’t yell “I hate you!” They don’t cuss, that’s not allowed and there would be hell to pay if they did. This is something you nip in the bud the very first time it happens. My kids can tell me they’re “I’m too angry to talk” “I need space” or whatever. But they’re not allowed to scream at me. Nope. And I absolutely never do it to them.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to respond, "Well, I don't like you very much right now. But I love you, and I always will." That never hurt my feelings or made me feel bad.

It's okay to say you're mad, or that you don't like their behavior, or that you will not accept disrespectful or unkind treatment, but you need to say it in an adult way. Telling your kid you hate them or that they are a b***h is never okay. Once you cross that line, you might never come back. A kid losing their temper and saying it is one thing; an adult saying it to a kid is another. In some ways, they are testing you, and it's an important test to pass -- do you REALLY love them, even when they are "bad"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No teen can say IHY to me because it is disrespectful and inappropriate. He can feel whatever he wants but absolutely cannot express those feelings to me in my house. If anyone were to call me on the phone and say those things I would hang up so why would I tolerate that in my own home? I do not love the behavior of someone who is saying these kinds of things, and I feel no obligation to do extra things for him. Legally I am required to provide my child with food and shelter but nothing else. My mother made my sister wear the same shirt and pants every single day for an entire school year.

Sad. I feel bad for your kids that they are growing up with an automaton. Your sister would have been better off in an orphanage.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, but don't. Just walk away and know that you are the adult. Lock yourself in the bathroom and take deep breaths until you calm down. It is hard but necessary to keep your mouth SHUT when you are in that very upset state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No teen can say IHY to me because it is disrespectful and inappropriate. He can feel whatever he wants but absolutely cannot express those feelings to me in my house. If anyone were to call me on the phone and say those things I would hang up so why would I tolerate that in my own home? I do not love the behavior of someone who is saying these kinds of things, and I feel no obligation to do extra things for him. Legally I am required to provide my child with food and shelter but nothing else. My mother made my sister wear the same shirt and pants every single day for an entire school year.

Sad. I feel bad for your kids that they are growing up with an automaton. Your sister would have been better off in an orphanage.

Also, I hope you realize that your mother's behavior towards your sister was abusive and completely inappropriate.
FWIW, I have no relationship with my father. He has not met his grandchildren. Why? Because it was obvious to me growing up that he felt he had no obligation to me other than to provide food and shelter, but nothing else. He provided a legal minimum, but no love. Once I left home for college, I never came back. I keep in touch with a few of my teachers who were incredibly kind and supportive as I was growing up, but not my own father.

With my own children, I have made sure not to repeat the mistakes of my father. I want a close, happy family that spans multiple generations. It appears you do not.

[Anonymous]

No. I know kids can be such jerks and it’s valid to hate them too but they will remember that for the rest of their lives. Words can be so damaging. Your relationship is the most important thing, not what they’re doing in the moment to upset you.

[Anonymous]

I have read in a few parenting books that it’s okay for kids to say “I hate you” because it’s legitimately what they are feeling and it’s okay to express feelings. But it’s also a hurtful thing to say so I think maybe it’s valid to say they can’t be hurtful like that even if some parenting experts agree.

Point is OP, I don’t think that you don’t have to tell your kids to not say they hate you. Depending on how angry they are it might not be a battle I choose. I would say “that’s incredibly hurtful and I need to walk away from this situation before I say something I regret” or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read in a few parenting books that it’s okay for kids to say “I hate you” because it’s legitimately what they are feeling and it’s okay to express feelings. But it’s also a hurtful thing to say so I think maybe it’s valid to say they can’t be hurtful like that even if some parenting experts agree.

Point is OP, I don’t think that you don’t have to tell your kids to not say they hate you. Depending on how angry they are it might not be a battle I choose. I would say “that’s incredibly hurtful and I need to walk away from this situation before I say something I regret” or something like that.

I don't think it's okay for kids to say they hate you, so much as it's understandable and it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing it does if an adult says it. Adolescents feel things very intensely, they don't have the same impulse control, or perspective, and they are quite naturally testing some boundaries. I think a parent's job is to acknowledge the feelings behind it, but also to help them understand that it's a hurtful thing to say, and to learn better ways to express anger or frustration. You express that you love them, no matter what, but that what they said is hurtful -- and you model how you'd like them to react. Saying that it's hurtful and taking a break to calm down is a good way to do that.

[Anonymous]

Uh, NO you don't get to say that. Nothing would ever justify saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No teen can say IHY to me because it is disrespectful and inappropriate. He can feel whatever he wants but absolutely cannot express those feelings to me in my house. If anyone were to call me on the phone and say those things I would hang up so why would I tolerate that in my own home? I do not love the behavior of someone who is saying these kinds of things, and I feel no obligation to do extra things for him. Legally I am required to provide my child with food and shelter but nothing else. My mother made my sister wear the same shirt and pants every single day for an entire school year.

Sad. I feel bad for your kids that they are growing up with an automaton. Your sister would have been better off in an orphanage.

Also, I hope you realize that your mother's behavior towards your sister was abusive and completely inappropriate.
FWIW, I have no relationship with my father. He has not met his grandchildren. Why? Because it was obvious to me growing up that he felt he had no obligation to me other than to provide food and shelter, but nothing else. He provided a legal minimum, but no love. Once I left home for college, I never came back. I keep in touch with a few of my teachers who were incredibly kind and supportive as I was growing up, but not my own father.

With my own children, I have made sure not to repeat the mistakes of my father. I want a close, happy family that spans multiple generations. It appears you do not.

Legally, I am not required to love my kids. But I don't think of parenting in terms of my legal obligations. I had loving parents -- they were strict, but also affectionate and fair. They didn't stand for being treated badly, but they didn't treat it as a quid pro quo.