Reply to Can I say I hate you TOO right now for being nasty to me?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]all of you claiming you "would not tolerate" your child saying "I hate you" or other language, clearly do not have teenagers.

I recently told my 15 year old that no matter what she said, no matter how much nastiness she threw my way, no matter how unpleasant she tried to be, I would always love her, unconditionally. She had no retort for that.[/quote]

My mom said this to me when I was a terrible teenager and I am so grateful. I plan to do the same if I run into this situation in the future. [/quote]

This is a good idea. I like this. You can even say it if you are mad and need to say something.

As a person who divorced a man who became progressively severely mentally ill, verbally abusive and physically threatening AFTER our daughter turned 5, I have real triggers with hateful nasty language from her now teenage self.

And no, she did not SEE this behavior, this is the behavior that caused me to divorce her dad so that she never would.

However, she has possibly inherited his predisposition towards mental illness in some form. She really is nothing like him, though.

All that being said, when she was pulling the I hate you's (thankfully rare and she doesnt do that anymore- we have had lots of conversations about this) I had a real hard time "controlling myself' " and not saying something back that I wasnt proud of. However, I have always been accountable for anything I said that was wrong and not repeated it. I would go to her and say specifically what I said was wrong, and why, what I SHOULD have said and why.

If you cant model perfect responses, and its damned hard, you CAN model accountability. This is the most useful tool to implement because it applies to a broad spectrum of relationships as well as being critical to understanding how one's behavior affects others. It also shows the reasoning behind responses. Saying nothing and walking away can sometimes be the TOTALLY WRONG thing to do because the person feels abandoned.

That being said, beware the trap of "Im sorry, BUT" as in "IM sorry I said X, but you made me so mad." That teaches the wrong lesson. Its essentially saying "Look what you made me do".

Instead one has to say "IM sorry I said X. I was very upset. I should have said Y because thats what I was actually feeling. When you said  XYZ, I felt XYZ. "

This kind of response is best done when no one is angry anymore, but leaving things UNsaid is a really bad idea.

BAck and forth insults with ANYone especially your own kid who relies on you to be the adult in the room
 (whether you know it or not, whether THEY know it or not, and whether you CAN do it or not) is a recipe for more damage to the relationship.

Not so easy, this parenting stuff.

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