Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

NP. Sorry but I fundamentally reject this. If your DH has a job, he is capable of learning basic tasks like finding groceries or loading a dishwasher.

To be frank, your story with the technician and the 4 week fight - that is really abnormal. He sounds autistic. You probably shouldn’t be using yourselves as examples of normal behavior or couple dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my husband wouldn’t go back to the store, clean the bathroom again, or watch the kids. He’d do what he wanted and get pissed at me.

This. Not only that, but the next time one of those things needed to be done, he'd say "Well I can never do it to your demanding specifications, so why bother?" It would give him an easy out, which is what he's already looking for.

Any halfway decent parent knows that positive reinforcement is a much more effective way of getting your children to behave a certain way, and that criticism tends to make them more recalcitrant and combative.

Yep, I'm comparing my husband to a child. That's because when he was an actual child, his own parents failed to do any of this. They bought into toxic ideas about masculinity that "boys are just messy" or "girls are just naturally more helpful than boys." So my grown ass husband has had to relearn how the world works as an adult because his parents bought into dumb ideas about traditional gender roles. That sucks for both of us, frankly. I don't love having to praise my husband every time he does something normal and expected, like cleaning the shower. And he doesn't like that he is instinctively selfish and childish at times because his parents taught him the wrong stuff.

And before you say "Well, why didn't you marry a better man?" a few things. First, the vast majority of men are like this to some degree or another. My husband had actually figured some of this out on his own before I even met him, putting him light years ahead of other men I know. But two, toxic masculinity sneaks into all the crevices of a person's personality. You think you've sorted it out and then, boom, you have kids and discover a whole new batch of idiotic assumptions about gender. Sorry, but we all have to keep working on misogyny forever in the hopes that our kids will have a slightly easier time. At let we are working on it instead of eating it up and teaching it to our kids on purpose.

The vast majority of men are NOT like this. That is just something you tell yourself because you know you ought to leave him. He sounds borderline abusive, that it’s his way or the highway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see TONS of posts like this all over these boards. There's one right now on the parenting board written by a poor BigLaw attorney with a toddler and baby who is working herself into an early grave doing everything for everybody by herself. Her husband is supposed to be the primary caregiver right now but he's not doing a good job. He can't even take the two kids to the grocery store. He doesn't do chores around the house because "he's not good at them." I swear, I am not picking on this woman, she is just the most recent example of this type of thing that I've seen but it's all day every day on here.

Here's what I don't get. If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things, I'd (politely)* point this out to him and ask him to go back and get the right things. If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job, I'd ask him to do it again and get the spots he missed. if he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home for me to watch and work at the same time, I'd ask him if he was out of his mind.

Do these women not do this? Am I some crazy bitch? Early on in our marriage, we had some of this back and forth ^ but I was able to train him into a better husband. Yes, I'm using the word train because he started out useless at chores but quickly got better. Household chores are not hard. They just require effort and diligence. Now we're 50/50 and he's very comfortable with taking care of the house and kids. He even does hair.

*We both tolerate a lot of ribbing/teasing in our relationship and he is usually the instigator. So if he brought home the wrong things, I'd bust his balls big time but I know not everyone is up for this type of teasing. However, in his case, it only takes one or two experiences with this to get on the straight and narrow. He's the same way with me.


I guess what Im asking is, for women whose husbands really do nothing at home and you're at your wits end, have you tried calling him out on it? I would honestly say, "you're being a huge baby right now and it's really unattractive. Adults suck it up and get it done rather than whine." But maybe I am a crazy bitch, IDK.

Yes. That is all crazy bitch category.

If my H got the wrong thing at the grocery store I would point out it was a parsnip not a yam... but I would use the parsnip. I would never send him back, wtf is tht.
If he cleaned the bathroom, not to my level, I would learn to live with it, it's a preference not right or wrong.
If he was going to the grocery store at an inconvenient time I would ask him to go at <actual time that is good> and sometime it won't be the best time for me, compromise.

I took the OP’s point that that is fine, but then don’t complain when he doesn’t do chores “because he’s not good at them.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

You are the one being trained here, and you don't even see it.

+2

It’s sad that they don’t seem to get it. They’re being gas lit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

This, although I think some couples really revel in this dynamic. Usually it's the woman who looooves to call the husband out on his crap, and he enjoys being called out. I'd rather not be married at all than interact my with my spouse like he's my child. I *loathe* the "busting his/her chops" dynamic with the heat of a thousand suns.

So, yeah, OP. What you don't understand is that couples are different.

Not OP but of the same mind. It isn't about being a mother its about not accepting being constantly disappointed. I generally try to let my husband decide on his own if something isn't good enough, and I guess I wouldn't send him back to the store or something, but if he just kept doing something wrong we would be talking about it.

I think the key is to not get hyped about stupid things. My husband does ALL the laundry. I do not complain AT ALL about a towel being folded some way (I don't pay attention to this but I know some women who are crazy about the way towels and sheets are folded) or if he misses a load one week or something. It's his chore, if he lets it build up its his problem. But I handle all the dishes and I do get on him about hording all the small spoons on his desk because that impacts everyone who uses spoons and my chores.

And he would MUCH rather me say something in the moment (and he says things in the moment like, you need to make sure your clothes aren't all inside out when you put them in the basket) then simmer in resentment for hours/days/months/years.

I think its telling a lot of people see open communication as 'mothering'

[Anonymous]

I definitely do most of the housework and organizational labor. But I just pass off the kids to him so I can get it done. That combined with low standards works out.

My husband is most clueless regarding organizational mental tasks. I just bought myself a new iPhone. Husband is Luddite in spirit. I told him I didn’t want to hear any complaints about the phone unless he wanted to step up and do half the organizing. My point was acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

Man, I feel bad for you. He can’t find the things he wanted. You know what I’d say to a teenager? Well, did you ASK someone for help?? Plus now they have apps for that.

I don't think you should feel bad for me. Coming home with 18/20 things on the grocery list is simply not a big deal to me, and if I'm not bothered you shouldn't waste your pity.

[Anonymous]

Add me to the list of people being amazed that open communication between spouses = mothering!

Wow! You guys make it sound like you walk on eggshells around your spouses. I can’t even imagine. Who’d want to live that way?

I guess the issue is, I would NEVER marry a guy who can’t take constructive criticism or “criticism from a woman” as a PP said (wtf doesn’t he work with any women??). Talk about a red flag for toxic masculinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

NP. Sorry but I fundamentally reject this. If your DH has a job, he is capable of learning basic tasks like finding groceries or loading a dishwasher.

To be frank, your story with the technician and the 4 week fight - that is really abnormal. He sounds autistic. You probably shouldn’t be using yourselves as examples of normal behavior or couple dynamics.

This isn't frank, so much as stupid. Every person who digs their heels in during a single stupid disagreement is not autistic, and you shouldn't be trying to diagnose people over the internet, not least because you're very bad at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

Man, I feel bad for you. He can’t find the things he wanted. You know what I’d say to a teenager? Well, did you ASK someone for help?? Plus now they have apps for that.

I don't think you should feel bad for me. Coming home with 18/20 things on the grocery list is simply not a big deal to me, and if I'm not bothered you shouldn't waste your pity.

It’s just so pathetic. I’m not being snarky, I’m being absolutely serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

NP. Sorry but I fundamentally reject this. If your DH has a job, he is capable of learning basic tasks like finding groceries or loading a dishwasher.

To be frank, your story with the technician and the 4 week fight - that is really abnormal. He sounds autistic. You probably shouldn’t be using yourselves as examples of normal behavior or couple dynamics.

This isn't frank, so much as stupid. Every person who digs their heels in during a single stupid disagreement is not autistic, and you shouldn't be trying to diagnose people over the internet, not least because you're very bad at it.

Uh huh. And what did he say after the technician schooled him on “how to scrape a plate.”

My god, that just gave been mortifying. How are you able to still f*ck him after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

This, although I think some couples really revel in this dynamic. Usually it's the woman who looooves to call the husband out on his crap, and he enjoys being called out. I'd rather not be married at all than interact my with my spouse like he's my child. I *loathe* the "busting his/her chops" dynamic with the heat of a thousand suns.

So, yeah, OP. What you don't understand is that couples are different.

Not OP but of the same mind. It isn't about being a mother its about not accepting being constantly disappointed. I generally try to let my husband decide on his own if something isn't good enough, and I guess I wouldn't send him back to the store or something, but if he just kept doing something wrong we would be talking about it.

I think the key is to not get hyped about stupid things. My husband does ALL the laundry. I do not complain AT ALL about a towel being folded some way (I don't pay attention to this but I know some women who are crazy about the way towels and sheets are folded) or if he misses a load one week or something. It's his chore, if he lets it build up its his problem. But I handle all the dishes and I do get on him about hording all the small spoons on his desk because that impacts everyone who uses spoons and my chores.

And he would MUCH rather me say something in the moment (and he says things in the moment like, you need to make sure your clothes aren't all inside out when you put them in the basket) then simmer in resentment for hours/days/months/years.

I think its telling a lot of people see open communication as 'mothering'

Same.

I’m honestly shocked by the women defending these useless men!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

I don't get mad at my DH when he forgets stuff from the grocery store because he can't find the stuff he wanted just as often as what I wanted. I don't have to teach him how to clean (he's better at most cleaning than I am), but when we were dating and I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong it led to something like a 4 week standoff because he can't handle criticism at all. He had to break the dishwasher and have a technician come out and tell him exactly what I said he was doing wrong before he changed his ways. I don't think you can teach or train a grown man to be better at basic tasks, you have to choose to marry one that's not a screw-up to begin with (which, dishwasher incident notwithstanding, is what I did). This is why I have more sympathy for women who realize their DH's suck at childcare than cleaning - that one is at least partially unknowable before the fact.

Man, I feel bad for you. He can’t find the things he wanted. You know what I’d say to a teenager? Well, did you ASK someone for help?? Plus now they have apps for that.

I don't think you should feel bad for me. Coming home with 18/20 things on the grocery list is simply not a big deal to me, and if I'm not bothered you shouldn't waste your pity.

It’s just so pathetic. I’m not being snarky, I’m being absolutely serious.

Well there have been times I personally have not been able to find things at the grocery store, so I guess we're both hopeless idiots. Pray for mojo.

[Anonymous]

Like my mama always said "marry them young and train them hard"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Add me to the list of people being amazed that open communication between spouses = mothering!

Wow! You guys make it sound like you walk on eggshells around your spouses. I can’t even imagine. Who’d want to live that way?

I guess the issue is, I would NEVER marry a guy who can’t take constructive criticism or “criticism from a woman” as a PP said (wtf doesn’t he work with any women??). Talk about a red flag for toxic masculinity.

Omg this

Some of these stories, yikes. It’s like the posters don’t realize how revealing and bad they really are.

A man who “won’t take criticism from a woman”? Will bring in a technician to prove her wrong. Wtf indeed.