How to win her back?

[Anonymous]

Look, the balance of power and how much is too much to bear and in what way for each person in a couple is a very individual and nuanced thing. She hit her limit with you. That's it, I'm sorry. She may have sensed your entitlement (which you may not be as conscious of....which also might have had a role, your lack if self awareness and willingness to listen mainly) and frankly, it was a turn off. She may have seen this martyrdom growing up and once she saw the potential writing on the wall, the ways you were enjoying it, and how it was playing out, she loathed you for it and wanted out. Learn from it and do better next time. Learn to communicate

[Anonymous]

It has been my experience that it is easy for anyone male or female, to miss the degree in which anyone in the caretaking role becomes fatigued and resentful. Even the caretaker themselves, sometimes do not realize their growing resentment. (Sometimes actually they double down and do more actually, to cope with their rising resentment and rage. See Catholic mothers from 40 years ago for reference). I am teasing...she coukd have probably better managed and owned her choices and struggle to communicate. You could have as well I suspect

[Anonymous]

Learn to communicate and work on yourself, to increase your self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying she broke up with you out of the blue, without ever telling you how she was feeling? Did you have any idea that she was unhappy? If that’s the case, then you shouldn’t be together anyway.

OP here. We talked once about it and I told her that I told her I thought it was fair since I paid for everything. I was still cleaning and cooking but she did it most of the time.

Oooh. Smart woman. She dodged a bullet. I am sure there were many other things about you that she did not like.

+1

Not sure when men *and* women are going to figure out that the "he pays for everything/she does everything" arrangement never works out. It's a breeding ground for resentment and bean counting. SAHP's can't related to the stresses of the work world and income pressure, WOHP's can't related to the endless deluge of domestic tasks. You gotta split it up, and no that doesn't mean both people need 70 hr/week jobs. But you have to divide and conquer as a team. Life is too long to not help each other.

OP here. I still did plenty around the house. We have a housekeeper. I would still cook and clean 2-3 times a week while she did it the other days. We went grocery shopping together or ordered groceries. I never once asked her for anything. I pay the mortgage, all the bills, our cell phones, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying she broke up with you out of the blue, without ever telling you how she was feeling? Did you have any idea that she was unhappy? If that’s the case, then you shouldn’t be together anyway.

OP here. We talked once about it and I told her that I told her I thought it was fair since I paid for everything. I was still cleaning and cooking but she did it most of the time.

Oooh. Smart woman. She dodged a bullet. I am sure there were many other things about you that she did not like.

+1

Not sure when men *and* women are going to figure out that the "he pays for everything/she does everything" arrangement never works out. It's a breeding ground for resentment and bean counting. SAHP's can't related to the stresses of the work world and income pressure, WOHP's can't related to the endless deluge of domestic tasks. You gotta split it up, and no that doesn't mean both people need 70 hr/week jobs. But you have to divide and conquer as a team. Life is too long to not help each other.

OP here. I still did plenty around the house. We have a housekeeper. I would still cook and clean 2-3 times a week while she did it the other days. We went grocery shopping together or ordered groceries. I never once asked her for anything. I pay the mortgage, all the bills, our cell phones, etc.

Grocery shopping together isn't the same as you doing the grocery shopping. She's still doing work. Plus there's a lot more than just grocery shopping - there's planning the meals, figuring out what you need, making the list, etc. Were you doing any of that?

Was her name on the house? If not, why should she pay *your* mortgage? If she did would you give her a cut when you sell?

Having a second person doesn't affect the bills that much. Maybe water and electricity go up a little. Internet, tv, etc are still the same. Most cell phone plans have deals for free second lines.

Was she working?

Your story is changing. You admitted you liked being taken care of and took her for granted, but now you're saying she didn't do THAT much. Which, btw, is a terrible way to "win her back". You're repeating the same sh!t that made her dump you in the first place - minimizing what she does and justifying things because you pay for things. She doesn't want a relationship where money has strings attached.

Bottom line is that you two want different things and aren't compatible. Move on.

[Anonymous]

There is something very wrong with you OP. You say you were doing your share, paying for everything and you were her best sexual partner...and yet she chose to leave you. It shows me that your denial and bad behavior is very entrenched in you. You are not at all regretful of how you treated her. In fact you feel that what you did was ok. You are only unhappy that she left you.

Obviously, neither your money or sexual prowess was good enough for her to stay, and it certainly did not make up for your abusive, disrespectful and entitled behavior.

Wow! You must be a bonafide jerk for her to have broken up with you.

[Anonymous]

Lots of therapy for you so that you can become a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying she broke up with you out of the blue, without ever telling you how she was feeling? Did you have any idea that she was unhappy? If that’s the case, then you shouldn’t be together anyway.

OP here. We talked once about it and I told her that I told her I thought it was fair since I paid for everything. I was still cleaning and cooking but she did it most of the time.

Oooh. Smart woman. She dodged a bullet. I am sure there were many other things about you that she did not like.

+1

Not sure when men *and* women are going to figure out that the "he pays for everything/she does everything" arrangement never works out. It's a breeding ground for resentment and bean counting. SAHP's can't related to the stresses of the work world and income pressure, WOHP's can't related to the endless deluge of domestic tasks. You gotta split it up, and no that doesn't mean both people need 70 hr/week jobs. But you have to divide and conquer as a team. Life is too long to not help each other.

OP here. I still did plenty around the house. We have a housekeeper. I would still cook and clean 2-3 times a week while she did it the other days. We went grocery shopping together or ordered groceries. I never once asked her for anything. I pay the mortgage, all the bills, our cell phones, etc.

Grocery shopping together isn't the same as you doing the grocery shopping. She's still doing work. Plus there's a lot more than just grocery shopping - there's planning the meals, figuring out what you need, making the list, etc. Were you doing any of that?

Was her name on the house? If not, why should she pay *your* mortgage? If she did would you give her a cut when you sell?

Having a second person doesn't affect the bills that much. Maybe water and electricity go up a little. Internet, tv, etc are still the same. Most cell phone plans have deals for free second lines.

Was she working?

Your story is changing. You admitted you liked being taken care of and took her for granted, but now you're saying she didn't do THAT much. Which, btw, is a terrible way to "win her back". You're repeating the same sh!t that made her dump you in the first place - minimizing what she does and justifying things because you pay for things. She doesn't want a relationship where money has strings attached.

Bottom line is that you two want different things and aren't compatible. Move on.

This. She decided, quite rationally, that this was not a situation she wanted to stay in. She told you she was unhappy, you minimized and dismissed and disagreed, so it was probably very clear to her that things were not going to change. So rather than stay in a relationship that was going to make her unhappy and resentful, she ended things. This seems quote rational.