Why do so many men dislike being a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plain & simple.

Men never grow up.

My 77-year-old FIL goes on and on and on about being a boy. And he acts like it. Says things like "Boys like to have things done for them, I will always be a boy and need someone to take care of me." He excuses any behavior done by his sons or grandsons as "they are just boys." He has 4 granddaughters that can sense his disdain dripping off his lips. He offered to have his lady friend teach my 19-year-old dd to properly fold laundry! It is the country and look how little we have accomplished for women's equality. And he has never done any house work at all! Patriarchy is a biatch and so insidous.
Now, I am from Eastern Europe, and my dad was never like this. I have never seen my dad complain about anything, he worked hard his whole life. He had to. Mom worked hard too. I think the problem here is that so many, regardless of the generation never really experienced true hardships.

[Anonymous]

My dad was pretty nurturing and a great dad. He was born in 1938, so give me a break!

[Anonymous]

This is anomalous. It's not "so many men." It's just one or two losers you know. It isn't common. Their defective men.

[Anonymous]

I think in this day and age, with reliable birth control and abortion, more people should be opting out of parenting.

It used to be that you had kids because you had sex but it doesn't have to be that way anymore.

Unless you know you're really fine with the caretaking aspect of parenting - all the sacrifices and labor and drudgery involved - you probably shouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Because people are no longer parents like they were back in the day, they are participants in the competive sport of parenting.

I'm a mom and many times I want to run away from it all, to my own appartment and play games or trvel kid free.

I have question if I should have had them. Ultimately I'm glad I did, can't truly imagine life without them, but I sure don't love every moment, the time suck or think it's some magical journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because people are no longer parents like they were back in the day, they are participants in the competive sport of parenting.

I'm a mom and many times I want to run away from it all, to my own appartment and play games or trvel kid free.

I have question if I should have had them. Ultimately I'm glad I did, can't truly imagine life without them, but I sure don't love every moment, the time suck or think it's some magical journey.

Agree with this. We just don't participate in competitive parenting because it would kill me (literally, I have an anxiety disorder and well-managed depression and the kind of intensive, competitive parenting that is common in the DMV would truly drive me over the edge).

But many of our friends are on this track and it stresses me out just listening to them talk about travel soccer and Suzuki method and foreign language classes and school applications. And on top of that, they are also competitive about things like travel (so much emphasis on kids under the age of 10 being well-traveled, as though a middle schooler who has never been abroad is an embarrassment, its such UMC nonsense) and cars and clothes. It's gross and never-ending. It is no wonder that so many of them are miserable. I can feel it in the way they talk about it all. It's always about how DS isn't taking his Mandarin lessons seriously enough or DD didn't get into the right summer camp. The kids absorb it all and they become stressed out and competitive too.

But you don't have to do it this way. You can just opt out. Our DD just goes to school and plays with friends. She takes some classes and does some activities but it's not competitive -- just stuff she's expressed an interest in or that we think would be help build confidence or a specific skill. But we're not over scheduled. We find joy in just normal every day stuff like walking home from school or doing a movie night. My husband and I often talk about how nice it is to have a child during the pandemic because it makes home life feel more meaningful and less repetitive -- she is always learning something new or has a different way of looking at the world -- it keeps things interesting.

Anyway, I think a lot of men and women think they hate parenting but they've really just painted themselves into a corner with a focus on a specific type of achievement and schedule but it is entirely their own fault and they could change it literally any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Immature and spoiled. Likley never had to work a real hard days work. Pampered by mommy and daddy. That's who. Could be mom or dad. We are seeing more of those as they were more spoiled young adults in recent decades than never before. Because most MC families could afford a lot more to their kids than MC families in 60, 70, even 80s.
Similar in many aflunet countries. I never heard my dad complain about work, kids, anything, nor my mom. Now, people my generation also never complained, those that I know. I am almost 50 with young adult kids.
But, most younger parents than me are complaining all the time.

I am 35 and I agree with this. I feel like people in my age group are the biggest complainers on social media about parenthood and it’s like, give me a break. I do not remember my mom complaining like this and quite frankly I think the children of some of these people are going to have their feelings hurt when they get older and can see what their parents have posted about them on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Immature and spoiled. Likley never had to work a real hard days work. Pampered by mommy and daddy. That's who. Could be mom or dad. We are seeing more of those as they were more spoiled young adults in recent decades than never before. Because most MC families could afford a lot more to their kids than MC families in 60, 70, even 80s.
Similar in many aflunet countries. I never heard my dad complain about work, kids, anything, nor my mom. Now, people my generation also never complained, those that I know. I am almost 50 with young adult kids.
But, most younger parents than me are complaining all the time.

I am 35 and I agree with this. I feel like people in my age group are the biggest complainers on social media about parenthood and it’s like, give me a break. I do not remember my mom complaining like this and quite frankly I think the children of some of these people are going to have their feelings hurt when they get older and can see what their parents have posted about them on social media.

Or they'll be able to have a clear picture that parenting sucks and not make the same mistake I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in this day and age, with reliable birth control and abortion, more people should be opting out of parenting.

It used to be that you had kids because you had sex but it doesn't have to be that way anymore.

Unless you know you're really fine with the caretaking aspect of parenting - all the sacrifices and labor and drudgery involved - you probably shouldn't do it.

I dont have kids and I agree. I have SO many mom friends who complain SO much about taking care of their kids and their houses. It seems pretty obvious to me that being a mom is a TON of work and you are signing up for years of exhaustion and hard work. I don't get why people have kids and then complain about how hard it is. Especially people who have three or four kids.

[Anonymous]

Counterpoint: my parents are boomers and they complained constantly about parenting, to their kids, in an accusatory tone. I think the difference today is that people recognize they doing that is destructive to your children, so instead they complain to other adults, which is normal and healthy. Parenting is hard, we don’t do much to support families in this country, and sometimes you have to blow off steam. I complain about the hard stuff to my friends so that I can return to my kids, suck it up, and do it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Counterpoint: my parents are boomers and they complained constantly about parenting, to their kids, in an accusatory tone. I think the difference today is that people recognize they doing that is destructive to your children, so instead they complain to other adults, which is normal and healthy. Parenting is hard, we don’t do much to support families in this country, and sometimes you have to blow off steam. I complain about the hard stuff to my friends so that I can return to my kids, suck it up, and do it right.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you recommend the parenting classes that helped you enjoy parenting more? Thanks!

OP here. The best by far was a book - “How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child” by John Gottman. For courses, I really liked the Circle of Security course. It helped me work through a lot of my triggers, like why crying/yelling set me off and what I can do instead of getting upset over it.

Any sort of positive parenting course is good. Stay away from religious ones - they tend to be punitive. A friend invited me to her church’s parenting class and I was horrified to learn they gave out switches to hit kids with 😳

Honestly, a lot of it was working through my own issues (like learning how to be emotionally intelligent and how to manage my stress), managing my expectations and prioritizing (nope, I won’t be able to read a book a week), and viewing each interaction as an opportunity to build a relationship. I don’t get any joy out of yelling at my kid to take a bath. I do get joy out of us playing in the tub together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know more moms who hate being moms than I do dads who hate being dads.

I don’t have kids, but being a dad looks like a way better deal than being a mom.

+1. I’m a mom, and would much rather be a dad.

+3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in this day and age, with reliable birth control and abortion, more people should be opting out of parenting.

It used to be that you had kids because you had sex but it doesn't have to be that way anymore.

Unless you know you're really fine with the caretaking aspect of parenting - all the sacrifices and labor and drudgery involved - you probably shouldn't do it.

I dont have kids and I agree. I have SO many mom friends who complain SO much about taking care of their kids and their houses. It seems pretty obvious to me that being a mom is a TON of work and you are signing up for years of exhaustion and hard work. I don't get why people have kids and then complain about how hard it is. Especially people who have three or four kids.

I think this sentiment is part of what’s causing this shift in parenting being more stressful and competitive. It used to be that parenting was just part of married life. Now it’s something you have signed on to do, and you can’t complain, ask for help, or fail in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in this day and age, with reliable birth control and abortion, more people should be opting out of parenting.

It used to be that you had kids because you had sex but it doesn't have to be that way anymore.

Unless you know you're really fine with the caretaking aspect of parenting - all the sacrifices and labor and drudgery involved - you probably shouldn't do it.

I dont have kids and I agree. I have SO many mom friends who complain SO much about taking care of their kids and their houses. It seems pretty obvious to me that being a mom is a TON of work and you are signing up for years of exhaustion and hard work. I don't get why people have kids and then complain about how hard it is. Especially people who have three or four kids.

+2