Married with kids v.s. Single by choice lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine being satisfied in life by career only.

I can't imagine etermining the value of my life based on the fruits of my genitals.

Marriage with no kids is the best! Then you don't have to rely on the fruits of your genitals or your career.

Just your husband, right?

[Anonymous]

No one can predict this for you.

[Anonymous]

My female best friend is single and child free by choice. We are 40. She travels extensively (outside of COVID of course), is working on her PhD, has a ton of hobbies and activities she participates in, and is a very happy and positive person. I've known her since we were tweens and she has always been very set on no kids, though she is awesome with mine and they adore her. As far as partnering, if the right person comes along, she would be open to a long term relationship, but she isn't really looking - the guy would essentially have to just fall into her lap somehow.

I also have a male friend like you. He dated plenty but decided against marriage and children. He is now in his mid 40s. I don't know/think he regrets it, but do know he spends most of his free time with his sister and her husband and kids- he is over there multiple times per week, every week. If you do remain single, you have to accept that in the next 10 to 15 years, the majority (if not all) of your friends will have settled down and will be raising families. You will probably be a bit lonely unless you find a bunch of likeminded folks. My friend didn't really so I don't think he has a ton of people to hang out with at the moment. I expect when people in our group start getting divorced, he will have buddies to hang out with again, but right now everyone is busy with young children and I think he's a bit lonely.

If you don't wholeheartedly want kids, don't have them! They bring a lot of joy but also a lot of hard and thankless work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine being satisfied in life by career only.

I can't imagine etermining the value of my life based on the fruits of my genitals.

Marriage with no kids is the best! Then you don't have to rely on the fruits of your genitals or your career.

Just your husband, right?

No, the point is that you have a career AND a husband AND yourself - three things to rely upon, not just one. I love having someone in my life that has my back (and I his). Just because you are arrived does not mean you have to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine being satisfied in life by career only.

I can't imagine etermining the value of my life based on the fruits of my genitals.

Marriage with no kids is the best! Then you don't have to rely on the fruits of your genitals or your career.

Just your husband, right?

No, the point is that you have a career AND a husband AND yourself - three things to rely upon, not just one. I love having someone in my life that has my back (and I his). Just because you are arrived does not mean you have to have children.

Your life sounds awesome!

[Anonymous]

agree with the yes to husband and no to kids. DH and i married just over 30 years ago We did terminate a pregnancy prior to marriage. We did not want kids then ,and we never did change our minds. We have the life we desired. At our age (late 50s) that is so importation. Plus, no financial issues. We value each other and our freedom. He is my soulmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My female best friend is single and child free by choice. We are 40. She travels extensively (outside of COVID of course), is working on her PhD, has a ton of hobbies and activities she participates in, and is a very happy and positive person. I've known her since we were tweens and she has always been very set on no kids, though she is awesome with mine and they adore her. As far as partnering, if the right person comes along, she would be open to a long term relationship, but she isn't really looking - the guy would essentially have to just fall into her lap somehow.

I also have a male friend like you. He dated plenty but decided against marriage and children. He is now in his mid 40s. I don't know/think he regrets it, but do know he spends most of his free time with his sister and her husband and kids- he is over there multiple times per week, every week. If you do remain single, you have to accept that in the next 10 to 15 years, the majority (if not all) of your friends will have settled down and will be raising families. You will probably be a bit lonely unless you find a bunch of likeminded folks. My friend didn't really so I don't think he has a ton of people to hang out with at the moment. I expect when people in our group start getting divorced, he will have buddies to hang out with again, but right now everyone is busy with young children and I think he's a bit lonely.

If you don't wholeheartedly want kids, don't have them! They bring a lot of joy but also a lot of hard and thankless work.

The good thing is that as remaining unattached becomes more and more socially acceptable, more and more people who would have been miserable housewives or depressed breadwinners a generation ago are now allowed to live their best lives single and childfree. Especially if you live in an urban area, there is no shortage of likeminded people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond who make wonderful friends and community support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My female best friend is single and child free by choice. We are 40. She travels extensively (outside of COVID of course), is working on her PhD, has a ton of hobbies and activities she participates in, and is a very happy and positive person. I've known her since we were tweens and she has always been very set on no kids, though she is awesome with mine and they adore her. As far as partnering, if the right person comes along, she would be open to a long term relationship, but she isn't really looking - the guy would essentially have to just fall into her lap somehow.

I also have a male friend like you. He dated plenty but decided against marriage and children. He is now in his mid 40s. I don't know/think he regrets it, but do know he spends most of his free time with his sister and her husband and kids- he is over there multiple times per week, every week. If you do remain single, you have to accept that in the next 10 to 15 years, the majority (if not all) of your friends will have settled down and will be raising families. You will probably be a bit lonely unless you find a bunch of likeminded folks. My friend didn't really so I don't think he has a ton of people to hang out with at the moment. I expect when people in our group start getting divorced, he will have buddies to hang out with again, but right now everyone is busy with young children and I think he's a bit lonely.

If you don't wholeheartedly want kids, don't have them! They bring a lot of joy but also a lot of hard and thankless work.

The good thing is that as remaining unattached becomes more and more socially acceptable, more and more people who would have been miserable housewives or depressed breadwinners a generation ago are now allowed to live their best lives single and childfree. Especially if you live in an urban area, there is no shortage of likeminded people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond who make wonderful friends and community support.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't! I'm a 30-year-old single woman and I'm loving every minute of it! I was never a family-oriented person and just want to focus on work and travel (after COVID ends of course). Marriage and motherhood look miserable to me. As some of my friends start to enter those paths, I'm happy for them but at the same time I'm also quite relieved it's not me. I do not want to be tied down.

30.

Okay.

What is that supposed to mean?

30 is still quite young and you still have time to change your mind.

Funny how this garbage is only said to women, not men.

NP.

Duh. It is harder for women to have children later in life if they do change their minds. That should be obvious to you.

I am not saying every woman will regret it. But don't play dumb.

[Anonymous]

Having my child is the most incredible experience of my life, and I have and amazing DH I love dearly.

That said, of the many married women with kids whom I know, virtually all work full-time and do 80-100% of the unpaid home and childcare responsibilities. It's something to be aware of. I was expecting Op to be female in asking this question.

[Anonymous]

Don't "seek out" marriage, but don't cross it off, either. See how your life goes! You're only 30. You may very well meet someone who makes you want to settle down and have kids, who makes the effort seem worthwhile. You may not. You don't have to decide this right now.

I will say that my (fun loving, very social, great father) dad always says that he doesn't believe any man under 35 who says he doesn't want to get married or have kids. Because almost every guy he knows said the same thing at one point or another, and they nearly all went on to have (planned for) children and love being a father. So keep in mind that you're on a well worn path. And yeah, you may end up thinking the same way when you're 40. But statistically? It's more likely you eventually change your mind and end up with kids.

[Anonymous]

Another female here with yes to the husband, and no to having children. I am so, so happy I found a guy who did not want kids and did not change his mind. We met at 32 and married at 33. He had a vasectomy at 35. We are now 43. We married after knowing each other 9 months. I wasn't going to let such a great guy get away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My female best friend is single and child free by choice. We are 40. She travels extensively (outside of COVID of course), is working on her PhD, has a ton of hobbies and activities she participates in, and is a very happy and positive person. I've known her since we were tweens and she has always been very set on no kids, though she is awesome with mine and they adore her. As far as partnering, if the right person comes along, she would be open to a long term relationship, but she isn't really looking - the guy would essentially have to just fall into her lap somehow.

I also have a male friend like you. He dated plenty but decided against marriage and children. He is now in his mid 40s. I don't know/think he regrets it, but do know he spends most of his free time with his sister and her husband and kids- he is over there multiple times per week, every week. If you do remain single, you have to accept that in the next 10 to 15 years, the majority (if not all) of your friends will have settled down and will be raising families. You will probably be a bit lonely unless you find a bunch of likeminded folks. My friend didn't really so I don't think he has a ton of people to hang out with at the moment. I expect when people in our group start getting divorced, he will have buddies to hang out with again, but right now everyone is busy with young children and I think he's a bit lonely.

If you don't wholeheartedly want kids, don't have them! They bring a lot of joy but also a lot of hard and thankless work.

I am a woman but this middle paragraph is very true. Many of my friends are involved with kids - and maybe mom friends, I don’t know? - and I barely see them anymore. Being single on your forties is very different from being single in your twenties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't! I'm a 30-year-old single woman and I'm loving every minute of it! I was never a family-oriented person and just want to focus on work and travel (after COVID ends of course). Marriage and motherhood look miserable to me. As some of my friends start to enter those paths, I'm happy for them but at the same time I'm also quite relieved it's not me. I do not want to be tied down.

Read the post 'My 81 year old mother was scammed' in the Midlife Forum.

So people should have children so that when they are 81 a child can run to their house to stop a scam from happening. Ok.

What if your children live in another state. What if they are on holidays. What about all the parents that do have children and are getting scammed.

People should do what makes them happy. Having a child due to fears about old age is so unfair on the child and the wrong reason to have a child. Who wants to be miserable for 50 years to have help at 81. Only have kids if you want to raise children not as a selfish fear in yourself.