Married with kids v.s. Single by choice lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL if you think married life "looks like slavery", please, for the love of god, don't get married. I love how you only frame this as whether or not you might "miss out" on something if you don't get married and have kids. Like having a family is a question of checking life experiences off a list. "I've been to Bali, lived in Manhattan, and held my daughter's hand on the way home from her first day of Kindergarten. What you got?"

Do not get married unless you are so in love that you want to build your life with the other person. Do not have children unless you want to raise children. Don't raise children unless you view that as a valuable, worthwhile activity in and of itself. Do not have a family simply because it's what other people your age are doing, or because wedding and baby announcements tend to get a lot of attention on Facebook, or because some buddy of yours got married and you need to have what he has.

This attitude explains like 90% of the people I encounter in DC.

You sound jealous and your life is boring. Sorry you drank the kool aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will I regret it as a man if I never settle down and just focus on my career and hobbies? I also want to build my own business and don’t think
I’ll have time for that as a married person, especially a father. The married lifestyle looks like slavery to me from the perspective of a late 20’s single male.

Depends on you, the investment needed to build your wealth, potential personality of the woman you would want a family with. Generally speaking men are able to do both because you have the advantage of time with a larger window for parenthood. And if you make more money you still can attract young fertile women. You just may not live to see your grandchildren. No one knows the future. The right marriage doesn’t feel like imprisonment. You can make your own rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't married. You are too selfish.

What’s wrong with being selfish as long as OP is a productive citizen? Some would argue the height of selfishness is procreation, as the world is already overpopulated enough.

[Anonymous]

You know yourself and your emotional limitations best. It’s more noble to never marry and have never have children if these are not driving desires in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will I regret it as a man if I never settle down and just focus on my career and hobbies? I also want to build my own business and don’t think
I’ll have time for that as a married person, especially a father. The married lifestyle looks like slavery to me from the perspective of a late 20’s single male.

Nope. I'm a woman who married late. 38. Had a kid at 39. We said we'd try for a year and if it worked, great. If not, no biggie.

I will say having a kid adds so much depth and happiness to life, though. I am glad we had a child. But I also know I would be happy even if we never did have a child.

It's not slavery. Do you know how you give yourself to your business, and that at times it sucks and it's hard? But it's a labor of love? That's what a kid is, too. But you have to want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you meet the right person, and decide not to pursue a family because you don't want to bother, I think you will regret it.

But if you don't meet the right person and try to force it, you might regret that.

So keep an open mind and live your life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL if you think married life "looks like slavery", please, for the love of god, don't get married. I love how you only frame this as whether or not you might "miss out" on something if you don't get married and have kids. Like having a family is a question of checking life experiences off a list. "I've been to Bali, lived in Manhattan, and held my daughter's hand on the way home from her first day of Kindergarten. What you got?"

Do not get married unless you are so in love that you want to build your life with the other person. Do not have children unless you want to raise children. Don't raise children unless you view that as a valuable, worthwhile activity in and of itself. Do not have a family simply because it's what other people your age are doing, or because wedding and baby announcements tend to get a lot of attention on Facebook, or because some buddy of yours got married and you need to have what he has.

This attitude explains like 90% of the people I encounter in DC.

You sound jealous and your life is boring. Sorry you drank the kool aide.

That's not the attitude I got - a little judgy but basically saying having kids is worthwhile but do it because you want the experience or you can't imagine a life without having raised your own children - don't just do it because you feel you have to.

I'm someone who is very glad I had children and got married but still some days think....this would have been a lot easier if I hadn't gone the married/children route.

You can have a worthwhile and fulfilling life either way - just make sure you do it for you! Speaking as a 60something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't! I'm a 30-year-old single woman and I'm loving every minute of it! I was never a family-oriented person and just want to focus on work and travel (after COVID ends of course). Marriage and motherhood look miserable to me. As some of my friends start to enter those paths, I'm happy for them but at the same time I'm also quite relieved it's not me. I do not want to be tied down.

30.

Okay.

What is that supposed to mean?

30 is still quite young and you still have time to change your mind.

Funny how this garbage is only said to women, not men.

Because if a woman wants to have a child, she's on the clock. After a certain point it's too late, biologically. Men don't have the same problem.

[Anonymous]

I cannot imagine being satisfied in life by career only.

[Anonymous]

If you don't feel the pull/yearning of being married and having kids during the holidays or watching interaction of a happy family, you're fine. Keep focus on your business, build the wealth and enjoy yourself.

You're a guy, so if you change your mind, there's plenty of time to get married and have kid(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine being satisfied in life by career only.

I can. And I have kids. And I am a woman. I can completely see being happy either way. If you don't really want kids, do not do it. You will not be happy.

I think never marrying is a far better option in life than marrying and having kids when you really don't want that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t a one right path for everyone. If you are happy doing what you’re doing, stick with it.

+1 it is not selfish to do whatever makes you happy (as long as you don’t hurt anyone in the process). Don’t get married and have kids just because society told you so.

[Anonymous]

Work and travel for me. Only. No DH, no babies. Lots of fun boyfriends, though. No honey-do lists for them!

Female, 59.

[Anonymous]

I'm 39, female, no desire for kids, and not super interested in getting married. I think its selfish for people like me to settle for things they don't really want just because they think they are supposed to. To commit to someone when they don't really want to be committed, to have kids when they would rather be doing other things. Knowing what you want and acting accordingly isn't selfish even a little bit.

You might regret it, you might not. How about just live your life for today, being honest with yourself and others about what you feel you want right now, and let the future work itself out as it does? No need to close off possibilities, but no need to force yourself down a path you aren't sure you want either.

[Anonymous]

Slavery is a strong word, op. I say this as a person who is caucasian meaning none of my ancestors were slaves, at least not that I know. Slavery involved coersion and violence which makes me wonder what you have experienced or who you associate with to equate marriage with such a nasty institution.

If you don’t want to marry and have kids, don’t. Know that the type of women you will attract may not be the type of women you want to attract. Very few women want to remain legally single and childless solely so they can date you. To be blunt, you aren’t that awesome.

Women will do things for husbands that they won’t do for boyfriends, i.e. “I’m home reading a book so my husband can work all weekend, he provides so well for our family” or “I’m making the meal my husband likes because I love seeing him so happy”.

If you want a girlfriend to treat you like a wife treats a husband, you need to get married.

Most healthy women won’t sit home and knit while you live out your single man’s dream, meaning the women you attract will have unhealthy ways of passing the time. Either that, or they will find a guy who wants to marry them and the gal who swore she “didn’t need marriage” will text you and say “I’m getting married next week, and it isn’t to you”.

As your friends marry, they will be less able or willing to hang out with you. They will like you just fine unless or until you treat their wives or kids poorly. Then that will be the end of the friendship.

Even if you are a prince to the wives and kids, the sheer amount of time to see you will decrease. My husband works enough as it is, I am unwilling to not spend every minute on the weekends with him. That may change in time, but for now, I need a marriage where I have 48 hours to enjoy my husband and remember what a cool person he is.

As for kids, you will probably regret not having them. Most people do.

I wonder why you don’t want to find a woman who shares whatever your vision for your business and life is and then marry her? It seems lonely to me, and makes me wonder if you have some weird ideas about marriage or if you don’t like women on an emotional level.

The fact that you are asking this question makes me wonder if your friend group is starting to leave you out of things or if you are finding that you aren’t getting the care and love you did as an early twenty-something, especially after 6 months of social distancing. This is normal, I now provide the care and love to my husband that I used to provide to friends of both genders, and the only person I want to eat out with right now is my husband. No way is he going to do something fun without me and risk bringing home covid, not when I can’t say to him “we have covid, but you know, I don’t regret (fill in shared experience).

Like I say op, it’s 2020 and you don’t have to do anything. You may not like the results, but you are not obligated to marry and have children.