If you're from a big family, 4 + kids do you have or want a big family yourself?

[Anonymous]

I am only one of two, but I have three close friends that were all one of four. In each case, half the siblings ended up with large families and the other half didn't. My friends have one, two, and three kids each. I think there are so many factors that go into this, including health and wealth, not to mention the experience that each child had (i.e. if they were the youngest, the oldest, or somewhere in the middle).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally, I think the desire to have a big family also depends on whether you were one of the oldest or youngest. My parents both came from families of 5. All of the older kids were adamant about not having more than two. The younger ones wanted more -- but more like 3-4, not 5+. Same with DH's family. The older ones remember more of the drudgery and responsibility of having to watch younger kids, whereas the younger kids remember how fun it was with more people.

That doesn't hold for my family. (I posted previously as one of 9.) I think everyone in my family probably would have said they wanted either 2 or 3, regardless of whether they were in the birth order and how much they helped with the younger kids -- some ended up with more or less, but that depended more on things like age at marriage, health issues, spousal preference, and accidental pregnancy.
I think the "helped with younger kids" obligation evened out a bit over the decades because the younger kids ended up taking care of the children that the older kids had...they basically had permanent free babysitting from the younger aunts and uncles, including for long vacations, work trips, etc. So the older ones were repaid for their work a decade or so later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anecdotally, I think the desire to have a big family also depends on whether you were one of the oldest or youngest. My parents both came from families of 5. All of the older kids were adamant about not having more than two. The younger ones wanted more -- but more like 3-4, not 5+. Same with DH's family. The older ones remember more of the drudgery and responsibility of having to watch younger kids, whereas the younger kids remember how fun it was with more people.

Doesn’t hold in my family. Female and oldest of 4, and hope to have 4-6 myself (assuming secondary infertility doesn’t get in the way, have been dealing with that). Definitely would not describe my childhood as drudgery though...I almost never babysat my siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

[Anonymous]

I have six kids (4 are natural, 2 are step). The two oldest are adults and both have said they want 2 or 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

DP - I have four and am not at ALL hands off with my kids. Not until I can trust them to behave the way I want them to. It's something I take pride in - not being the mom of a gaggle of kids who is always overwhelmed, messy, yelling and losing a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

Agree. Not all large families I'm sure, but at least two that I know seem to think that "embracing the chaos" of a large families means that everyone else around them should too. I don't care how they run their own house, but I don't appreciate it when they come over, the kids basically tear the place apart, and mom and dad just sit there and laugh and drink -- "well, life with a large family is just crazy amirite?" I suppose so, but I'll keep the crazy out of my house.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, we have 4 kids (between 12-17) and all of them say that they want at least 3 kids. We also have a big dog and other pets. They see the advantages, and also are used to the 'circus' the PP mentioned. Maybe they haven't experienced the disadvantages some other posters noted? They haven't been forced into babysitting bc we had them so close together that that oldest one was not ever really mature enough to watch all of the others. At this point they all watch themselves if we go out. We also are in that "not rich, not poor" income bracket so the kids haven't seen an impact in our lifestyle as our family grew...we never were going to be the kind of family who went to Europe over spring break I (the mom) am the one who is not from a big family and it definitely took some getting used to, but now I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

Agree. Not all large families I'm sure, but at least two that I know seem to think that "embracing the chaos" of a large families means that everyone else around them should too. I don't care how they run their own house, but I don't appreciate it when they come over, the kids basically tear the place apart, and mom and dad just sit there and laugh and drink -- "well, life with a large family is just crazy amirite?" I suppose so, but I'll keep the crazy out of my house.

You should hang out with them then.
But don’t host and then be judgemental. Lots of large families have their kids very well organized and they don’t tear apart the house. But it doesn’t seem like that’s the narrative DCUM wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

Agree. Not all large families I'm sure, but at least two that I know seem to think that "embracing the chaos" of a large families means that everyone else around them should too. I don't care how they run their own house, but I don't appreciate it when they come over, the kids basically tear the place apart, and mom and dad just sit there and laugh and drink -- "well, life with a large family is just crazy amirite?" I suppose so, but I'll keep the crazy out of my house.

You should hang out with them then.
But don’t host and then be judgemental. Lots of large families have their kids very well organized and they don’t tear apart the house. But it doesn’t seem like that’s the narrative DCUM wants.

Should not*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

Agree. Not all large families I'm sure, but at least two that I know seem to think that "embracing the chaos" of a large families means that everyone else around them should too. I don't care how they run their own house, but I don't appreciate it when they come over, the kids basically tear the place apart, and mom and dad just sit there and laugh and drink -- "well, life with a large family is just crazy amirite?" I suppose so, but I'll keep the crazy out of my house.

You should hang out with them then.
But don’t host and then be judgemental. Lots of large families have their kids very well organized and they don’t tear apart the house. But it doesn’t seem like that’s the narrative DCUM wants.

I hosted them each once and that was it. I know it's not all large families, just a certain subset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of four and mostly liked it. The hardest part was not getting as many invites as a family because it was “so many people” to have over. Mostly a lot of great childhood memories and my siblings are close friends to me as adults. I hope to have 4 or 5, so far we have 2 and are currently trying for a 3rd.

I can see this. My sister is pregnant with her 4th and is a fairly hands off parent, especially once her kids are toddlers on. She also has two large dogs who are obnoxious (but friendly.) I love her but really don’t want any part of her circus so I don’t see her that much (3 hours away.)

DP - I have four and am not at ALL hands off with my kids. Not until I can trust them to behave the way I want them to. It's something I take pride in - not being the mom of a gaggle of kids who is always overwhelmed, messy, yelling and losing a kid.

+1
Four kids is not so many (I don’t even really consider it to be big) that you’re hands off unless you’re just a crappy parent. Generally families with four the age spread isn’t enough to have older help out with younger. It seems like many posters are talking about LOTS of kids and think the Duggar’s represent.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of five kids and feel I was pretty neglected (at least emotionally) growing up. We have two and that feels manageable. My siblings have 3, 2, 4 and 0 kids respectively (the last one had an abortion rather than have a kid). The sibling who has four is probably the best parent and the most capable of raising a lot of kids.

[Anonymous]

For those who have more than 4 children-are you catholic or really evangelical (eg The Duggars). I know a few people with 4 or more and all are very religious. Never met anyone mildly religious or not at all to ever have more than 4.

[Anonymous]

I'm the oldest of 4 and want 10 children. I am pregnant with our 4th. Yes, we are very religious. I can't imagine doing it without the support of a religious community.