Is this normal behavior with a sibling? 14 y.o. DS

[Anonymous]

13/14 year old boys can be nightmares. They really can.

But that doesn't mean the comments are acceptable and should go without punishment/correction.

I've got the "Jones" Family Rules posted on the fridge:

Courtesy is owed
Respect is earned
Love is given

He's failing that first one for sure. And I'd give consequences. Also, be aware boys are getting pummeled with sexist and racist messages online. The sexist messages could be really influencing him here, if he's using these types of comments about his sister. IT's time to have an explicit conversation with him about treating anyone badly, and the subset of treating women badly. He needs to know it's wrong, full stop.

Looking at behavior modification -- it depends what the underlying issue is. Does he have a very low frustration tolerance? Does he get upset easily? Does he tend to see things in black and white? If so, you can help him become more flexible in his thinking so that he's less likely to lash out when frustrated.

Also, does he have to do chores on a regular basis? Does he get away with shirking chores and other "non-preferred" tasks? Making him do stuff outside of himself helps on many levels. It makes him less self centered (at least in the long run) and also makes him learn how to manage his frustrations about doing stuff he doesn't like. So when he runs into someone else doing something he doesn't like (like regular sibling disagreements), he can use some of these frustration-management skills to help stay calm, or calm down faster without hurling nasty comments her way.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks for your replies. Responding to some posts:

I agree that there should be consequences. DH and I have mostly favored the approach of letting them work things out themselves, but consequences are necessary. I absolutely don't think his behavior is okay, which is why I posted. I know siblings can be rude to each other, and I was wondering if this is normal or if there are other issues that we should be concerned about instead of just the mean behavior.

Responding to questions about how DD has been dealing with it, DD has always kind of brushed it off until this week, when she asked DS why he was acting like this toward her. When he made rude comments to her, she would either ignore him (as DH and I told him it wasn't okay to say that to her) or tell him that he was being rude. We also told her that of course there's nothing wrong with her weight, appearance, and math abilities.

His friends are very polite, at least in my experience. He does have chores, which he is reluctant to do but is still required to. Neither DS or DD is the favorite. As I wrote, we are careful to treat them fairly. We give him plenty of positive attention so I don't think he has a reason to want more.

He didn't have a meltdown for 2 hours. He was upset when they both won but began crying after 2 hours, which I was surprised by. I think he is immature for his age. We are considering having him evaluated for ADHD because of a family history of it. ADHD definitely isn't an excuse for this behavior, but if he has it, maybe treating it will help.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I could’ve written this. I have an 18 yo dd and 14 yo ds. He tells her she smells bad and is fat. He refuses to interact with her. It’s bad.

Sorry to hear that, PP. I hope that some of the advice in this thread is helpful to you.

My younger brother (4 years apart) became very cruel when he became a teenager. I think my parents and even I never did anything because he was the "baby" and we felt bad for him. These comments seemed to come from a place of insecurity. But it really hurt that my parents never said anything. This went on until he was 30 and I realized he wasn't going to "grow out of it". We have no relationship now and I blame my parents for favoring him.

Sorry to hear about your experience, PP. I wonder if there are issues, other than being a teen, that caused him to act like that until age 30? That's absolutely not an excuse for his behavior, but it may explain it.

OP it is good you are tuned in and care. One way sibling rivalry ran on both sides of my family and nobody did anything to stop it. My older sister was downright obsessed with competing with me and trying to destroy me emotionally. It was NOT normal. In her case I suspect it was both signs of depression and a personality disorder (not saying this is the case with your son). They did little to discourage her cruelty. She has since struggled her whole life to have normal relationships. She has few friends, never has been able to have a healthy relationship with a significant other and can only be a decent person who others like when on anti-depressants. I can tell when she goes off them, because she becomes nasty again.

Sorry to hear about your experience, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13/14 year old boys can be nightmares. They really can.

But that doesn't mean the comments are acceptable and should go without punishment/correction.

I've got the "Jones" Family Rules posted on the fridge:

Courtesy is owed
Respect is earned
Love is given

He's failing that first one for sure. And I'd give consequences. Also, be aware boys are getting pummeled with sexist and racist messages online. The sexist messages could be really influencing him here, if he's using these types of comments about his sister. IT's time to have an explicit conversation with him about treating anyone badly, and the subset of treating women badly. He needs to know it's wrong, full stop.

Looking at behavior modification -- it depends what the underlying issue is. Does he have a very low frustration tolerance? Does he get upset easily? Does he tend to see things in black and white? If so, you can help him become more flexible in his thinking so that he's less likely to lash out when frustrated.

Also, does he have to do chores on a regular basis? Does he get away with shirking chores and other "non-preferred" tasks? Making him do stuff outside of himself helps on many levels. It makes him less self centered (at least in the long run) and also makes him learn how to manage his frustrations about doing stuff he doesn't like. So when he runs into someone else doing something he doesn't like (like regular sibling disagreements), he can use some of these frustration-management skills to help stay calm, or calm down faster without hurling nasty comments her way.

OP. Thanks for your post. He does have a low frustration tolerance and gets upset easily. We're working with him on that.

[Anonymous]

No, this is not normal and all “extra” things my son enjoys would come to a screeching halt until he got his act together. You are sending a terrible message to your daughter by not coming down like a ton of bricks on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a 14 yr old boy crying because he did not win a cooking contest with his sister sounds like a spoiled brat that no one is going to like. Fix it before it is too late.

I’m seriously having a hard time imagining a neurotypical child over the age of 5 crying over this. Something is way off.

OP. I was surprised by the crying. He is very competitive and struggles with not winning (in this situation it was weird because he also won). We are considering having him evaluated for ADHD.