Is this normal behavior with a sibling? 14 y.o. DS

[Anonymous]

My DS sometimes engages in negative behavior toward his 19 y.o. sister.

Some examples:
Makes negative comments about DD's weight (which is healthy, although that doesn't matter), appearance, and math abilities when she hasn't said anything negative to him. We remind him that this isn't okay.
Recently helped to make pizza and ice cream for our family and repeatedly said that DD shouldn't be allowed to have any because she didn't help (she does other chores).
We had a "cooking competition" for fun, and DS and DD cooked dinner for the family on different days. They tied and he cried 2 hours after, saying that only he deserved to win.

DD is nice to and supportive of him. They sometimes watch shows together and will be talking and laughing. DD asked him today about why he sometimes acts negatively toward her and he laughed it off, saying that she ate cookies that he wanted last year and chocolate that he wanted last month. I don't think this is the actual reason.

DH and I are careful to treat them both equally. We praise him for positive behavior.

Other than reminding DS that he has to treat others with respect, we've been ignoring this as she's an adult and he's 14. However, I'm starting to wonder if this is normal behavior for a 14 y.o.? I had a great relationship with all of my siblings growing up and still do now, so I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS sometimes engages in negative behavior toward his 19 y.o. sister.

Some examples:
Makes negative comments about DD's weight (which is healthy, although that doesn't matter), appearance, and math abilities when she hasn't said anything negative to him. We remind him that this isn't okay.
Recently helped to make pizza and ice cream for our family and repeatedly said that DD shouldn't be allowed to have any because she didn't help (she does other chores).
We had a "cooking competition" for fun, and DS and DD cooked dinner for the family on different days. They tied and he cried 2 hours after, saying that only he deserved to win.

DD is nice to and supportive of him. They sometimes watch shows together and will be talking and laughing. DD asked him today about why he sometimes acts negatively toward her and he laughed it off, saying that she ate cookies that he wanted last year and chocolate that he wanted last month. I don't think this is the actual reason.

DH and I are careful to treat them both equally. We praise him for positive behavior.

Other than reminding DS that he has to treat others with respect, we've been ignoring this as she's an adult and he's 14. However, I'm starting to wonder if this is normal behavior for a 14 y.o.? I had a great relationship with all of my siblings growing up and still do now, so I don't know.

I could’ve written this. I have an 18 yo dd and 14 yo ds. He tells her she smells bad and is fat. He refuses to interact with her. It’s bad.

[Anonymous]

I would be coming down hard on him. Immediate grounding for body comments. I would make it crystal clear that is a on-going in my household and in real life.

[Anonymous]

Wow. That is completely unacceptable. If one of my children did this to anyone in the family, I would bite their head off. They wouldn't do it twice.

I note that both OP and first PP have older girls teased by younger boys. I hope you don't think it's OK to treat girls like this in their own home, where they should feel safe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be coming down hard on him. Immediate grounding for body comments. I would make it crystal clear that is a on-going in my household and in real life.

**NO-GO (not on going)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow. That is completely unacceptable. If one of my children did this to anyone in the family, I would bite their head off. They wouldn't do it twice.

I note that both OP and first PP have older girls teased by younger boys. I hope you don't think it's OK to treat girls like this in their own home, where they should feel safe!

I second this, also consider if able to have your husband or a male caregiver correct and model respectful behavior towards females. The fact that for OP there is a 5 year age spread almost makes it worse, why would he think it is okay to treat her that way?

[Anonymous]

My younger brother (4 years apart) became very cruel when he became a teenager. I think my parents and even I never did anything because he was the "baby" and we felt bad for him. These comments seemed to come from a place of insecurity. But it really hurt that my parents never said anything. This went on until he was 30 and I realized he wasn't going to "grow out of it". We have no relationship now and I blame my parents for favoring him.

[Anonymous]

What matters is how your DD feels about it. Is she bothered by the rudeness at all or does she brush it off as juvenile back-chat?

Because there is a reason young teen brothers and sisters find each other revolting and its important - its nature's way of avoiding incest. It really is. And that is fine.

[Anonymous]

Family counseling. STAT.

[Anonymous]

I have an older DD and younger DS with a four-year age difference and DS would never talk to his sister like that. They went through times when they had little in common, but once he started high school, they were pretty close. The only time I remember them fighting was when he was in preschool and got into her toys. This age difference was actually great for avoiding sibling rivalry.

I would not tolerate a son who makes critical comments about girls' appearances, especially his own sister. Where is that coming from? Are his friends jerks who talk like that?

Also having a two-hour meltdown about anything is not really normal for a high school aged boy. He sounds very immature.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s normal jealousy given their ages, but hurtful comments should always be addressed. Explain it and warn him so he knows the expectations since you now want to enforce something “new” with him. Sit him down and tell him his recent comments and interactions have crossed a line both in terms of family consideration and overall in how he should be treating women (or anyone!) in general. Tell him he’s I old enough to watch what he says and be responsible for what does comes out so he can expect harsh consequences for any more negativity. Your daughter sounds patient with him so she can speak up when he’s being rude. I would avoid having her punish him (and no more competitions since it only drives a wedge) because you don’t want to ruin their sibling bond. But she can say “Wow- rude! I’m out!” and walk away from him when he starts. If it doesn’t stop after the next few weeks, time does more help.

[Anonymous]

Immature

[Anonymous]

OP it is good you are tuned in and care. One way sibling rivalry ran on both sides of my family and nobody did anything to stop it. My older sister was downright obsessed with competing with me and trying to destroy me emotionally. It was NOT normal. In her case I suspect it was both signs of depression and a personality disorder (not saying this is the case with your son). They did little to discourage her cruelty. She has since struggled her whole life to have normal relationships. She has few friends, never has been able to have a healthy relationship with a significant other and can only be a decent person who others like when on anti-depressants. I can tell when she goes off them, because she becomes nasty again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is good you are tuned in and care. One way sibling rivalry ran on both sides of my family and nobody did anything to stop it. My older sister was downright obsessed with competing with me and trying to destroy me emotionally. It was NOT normal. In her case I suspect it was both signs of depression and a personality disorder (not saying this is the case with your son). They did little to discourage her cruelty. She has since struggled her whole life to have normal relationships. She has few friends, never has been able to have a healthy relationship with a significant other and can only be a decent person who others like when on anti-depressants. I can tell when she goes off them, because she becomes nasty again.

Posted too soon. My suggestion would be take it seriously, see it as a cry for help and get him help to work out his feelings of animosity.

[Anonymous]

Negative about her weight and appearance and he gets a “reminder” that it’s not nice.

Sorry—this is BS. He needs a CONSEQUENCE for that behavior! Is it okay if he says this to other people? His friends? His teacher?? To grandma? To you?