Is this normal behavior with a sibling? 14 y.o. DS
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Anonymous
Hit send to soon...the crying bit seems odd for that age. But unless he has special needs, my guess is he’s been your little prince for years and he doesn’t get punished for bad behavior (based on your examples above) and so when things don’t go his way he loses his composure. |
Anonymous
| You have taught him it is acceptable in your house to behave this way towards her. |
Anonymous
| My brother was that way and my dad always defended him. My brother ended up getting in trouble a couple times in ms/hs for teasing girls, but my parents brushed it off. |
Anonymous
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Who made him the food police? Remind him that YOU pay for the food and he doesn’t get to dictate who eats or doesn’t.
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Anonymous
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OP, you say that because DD is "an adult" you don't intervene other than to remind him it's not nice.
Please don't use the "18 and up is an adult so we back off" thinking stop you from giving your son real consequences he will feel. If you had a visitor in your home, you would stop, correct and discipline him for similar comments to that visitor regardless of the visitor's age -- wouldn't you? Yes? Then you are treating your daughter as less important and valued than a visitor would be. Why should things be different with your daughter because she is his sister and 19 years old? You're inadvertently modeling for him that she can be a target and it is only "not nice" to be cruel, when it should be unacceptable and bring down discipline every single time, consistently. You also are setting up your DD to understand that he is allowed to do things which, had he done them a mere two years ago when she was 17, might have drawn more discipline from you. That tells her she's not really fully integrated into your household and is somehow less valuable as a technical adult than she was at 17. Should she stand up for herself? Yes, and it sounds like she does -- she asked him what the reason was behind the behavior, which is a mature response on her part. But he answered with nonsense and deflection (because he may not even know himself why he targets her this way). They are both under your roof and you need to react more than just reminding him; he needs consequences. Find out his currency, what he most values and will miss if it's taken away. Likely that's screen time for many kids his age. You AND SPOUSE have a sit-down, no-distractions family meeting with him and explain very calmly that you see a pattern and it needs to end, so if he says X, he will get consequence Y (losing screen time for a full day or taking his phone away for two days or whatever works). Do this talk when he has NOT been acting up toward her. Explain that this is the new rule and will be handled the same way every time with no appeal. Don't over-talk it but be clear that X behavior will be answered with Y result. Then follow through. You and spouse both must be entirely on board here. Meanwhile, sit and think about whether he has enough to DO to engage him during this time of staying at home so much. Is he taking any online courses for fun this summer? Does he have specific chores at home? Can one of you parents find a positive, fun project to do around the house or for fun with him, so he is interacting more with one of you? Do NOT say "we need to keep you busier so you don't do this to your sister" because that will turn him off. Just engage him more even than you think is necessary. He may talk about his real issues (which could be low self-esteem, since kids who have that often lash out and belittle others to make themselves feel better) while doing other things with you with his hands and brain. And -- be sure you praise him when he's supportive and kind to anyone including his sister. And though I like the fun idea of a cooking competition, clearly you can't do that or anything competitive again since your DD takes it as fun and he gets overly competitive about it. |
Anonymous
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My teen DS is doing this to his older sister currently, and he got chewed up for it. Older sister is sometimes very bossy and critical too, so she got chewed up too. They both apologized to each other.
They love each other a lot and we are a close-knit family. But this is a new pandemic dynamic. Anyways, I probably need to work more on it or show them both this thread. I think teen years are hard and confusing years...and the older sister is also not happy to not have friends and classmates around due to COVID. |
Anonymous
| I found that having a routine really helped these teens and twenties kids at my house. They MUST have chores and a fixed time to wake up, eat, clean, exercise. |
Anonymous
Wtf does this have to do with anything? |
Anonymous
| This is unacceptable behavior and as another poster said, very immature. If he can say all of this to his sister, a loved one, how do you think he will treat girls/women? Please teach your son some manners and respect for others |
Anonymous
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I agree with PPs that the body-shaming and general rudeness needs to be addressed as unacceptable.
At the same time, though, if this is new behavior it's coming from somewhere. Try to talk to him independently. You don't need to contextualize this in terms of his treatment of his sister (in fact, it's better not to). Just ask him generally how he's doing. Maybe broach it as an ask about how he's feeling about the disruption to school and life from Covid. Something's going on with him. A lot of it is probably teenage angst, maybe it's something more serious. But boys are often not taught how to understand and talk about their feelings, and that often comes out especially in teenage years when hormones make their emotions out-of-control. Reach out to him and start helping him build the skills to recognize and address his feelings without being a jerk... |
Anonymous
My 14-year-old son is rude to his older sister, though maybe not to the extreme of your son. Is it normal? Yes. But you should still call him out on it. And I agree with a pp that you shouldn't ignore it just because she's an adult. It would be rude for him to do to anybody. He'd probably be less likely to do it to grandma or a random visitor than to his sister. But he shouldn't get a pass just because she's his sister and an adult already. Personally, I'd be a little worried that he's developing misogynistic tendencies with the jabs about weight and being bad at math. If my son was saying those things, I'd be talking to him about how hurtful teasing can be in general, and that he needs to back off, especially about the sexist themes. In addition, we'd be having a conversation about being direct about past hurts rather than being passive aggressive about them. It's fine to say, "I'm still annoyed that you took that last cookie I had saved last year. Please respect my food." It's not fine to tease her for eating cookies today as a punishment. |
Anonymous
It forces the kids to behave around each other-NP |
Anonymous
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I'm going to disagree with most of the others. I was a girl with 4 brothers. There was lots of teasing, much of it Not Nice. They were such jerks, LOL. I get along with all of them as adults, and was well prepared for the world.
Is your daughter seriously upset about it? Or is she more like, "Whatever"? That makes a difference. FYI - I don't think it's a good idea to foster competition between them. He sounds a bit immature for his age and needier than a lot of kids. You might want to try spending more time with him. How is he with his peers, does he have friends? |
Anonymous
+1 Also, a sense of family and comraderie. This is a extraordinary time. We all are forced into being with each other all the time. If we can use some of the time in doing common household chores, the excess energy is used up. There is less time to be bitchy with each other. |
Anonymous
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He's an asshole. Not all teen boys are assholes. I've raised two who would never think to tell anyone they smelled or were fat.
By not dealing with this quickly and effectively, you are enabling the asshole behavior. You know what he's going to grow up to be, right? An even bigger asshole. Call him out, harshly. Punish him by removing privileges and things he values. Don't let it slide. Defend your poor DD. |