Do you regret your adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Do you regret having kids?" be asked of parents with bio children? I'm sure there are parents who wish they'd never had kids.

Actually, bio parents cannot blame anyone, and do not regret that.

I'm the poster who asked this question and I don't understand your answer. I am a bio parent as well as an adoptive parent and while I don't regret having kids at all, I can see how people could, even bio children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of a family who adopted a child and I swear it seems the overworked/underpaid live-in Nanny is actually raising the child. For the child's first year, they would go family events (grandparents house, etc); and leave the child at home w/ the Nanny. I think their adoption was more of a 'want to fit in with everyone else that has kids'; however, I think this is rare. I am sure most families adopt because they truly want to raise a child. They're adopting another one, and I am not quite sure why.

It is a warped fashion statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the poster who asked this question and I don't understand your answer. I am a bio parent as well as an adoptive parent and while I don't regret having kids at all, I can see how people could, even bio children.

Bio children are not given up to be raised in a better home. Adoptive home is supposed to be a better home. Nobody gives their babies us not knowing that it goes to a better home.

The question is adoptive parents regretting adoption. All of the problems are highlighted when that happens.

[Anonymous]

I have both adopted and bio kids. The love comes a lot easier and more naturally with my biological kids. I don't regret adopting, but I do have moments of doubt and wonder what life would be like had I not. In the end, I think we are all better off the way things are, but I do feel guilty for not being able to provide my adopted kids with the kind of easy love that comes automatically with my bio kids. It is more of a commitment to be the best parent I can be to them. I still am proud of them and want what's best for them, but it's *not* the same like I hoped it would be. However, I will never ever let them know that, and I constantly pray they don't see any of it in subconscious actions. And I still hold out hope that as time goes on it WILL be the same. The bonding process isn't as instant. It takes time and that is the part that I regret.

[Anonymous]

I had no issues bonding with our son who joined our family through adoption - he is the love and joy of our lives - everyone is different - if anyone is worried or thinks they will feel differently, don't adopt... I can't imagine a different child if I were to picture one I gave birth to - my child is my child. You aren't genetically related to your husband - do you love him any less? Maybe you should regret getting married - technically it is the same process - need court/legal approval..and then you become a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had no issues bonding with our son who joined our family through adoption - he is the love and joy of our lives - everyone is different - if anyone is worried or thinks they will feel differently, don't adopt... I can't imagine a different child if I were to picture one I gave birth to - my child is my child. You aren't genetically related to your husband - do you love him any less? Maybe you should regret getting married - technically it is the same process - need court/legal approval..and then you become a couple.

Do you also have bio kids? I think you sense the difference when you have the feelings you have towards your bio kids as a comparison. If you do have bio kids then it's great that your feelings towards your adopted and bio kids are the same.

I definitely feel differently towards my adopted kids compared with my bio kid. I still love my adopted kids and don't regret having them but I definitely have much stronger feelings towards my bio kid. I am hoping that the love I have for my adopted kids will grow stronger with time.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to feel differently toward biological and adopted children YOU SHOULD NOT ADOPT - you have children - really... those kids will know it and you are not doing right by them as it will impact them. My husband has three bio kids and we have our adopted child - if anything he is more in love with our adopted child because of our situation and such... it has nothing to do with the child but circumstances. And if you feel differently to your adopted child then you should never adopt a second child...there are plenty of families trying to adopt who can't or having a hard time... let them adopt as they truly want to and will love those children and bond with them as you cannot. Your feelings will not change as you have made up your mind that this is how you feel and "hoping" if it hasn't happened now - isn't going to change...its really ashamed for those kids. I don't mean to sound harsh but its something people should think about before they adopt - some people just can't open themselves up in the same way and that's ok, but then don't adopt, especially twice or more.

My child is my child regardless of if I gave birth to him or not. I very much wanted him, I very much want him and he is every bit the child I would imagine to be mine if I were to "pick" out a child...blood related or not. He is mine through and through...and you can ask anyone who knows me, including his birthparents if this is how I really feel and everyone will tell you as it isn't something you even need to express. You can see it...pure love.

[Anonymous]

I know an adaptee who is painfully aware of how she was supposed to be the consolation gift to her a-parents because they could not have kids. And they did not have other children, but they had other issues that they never dealt with. She was not very happy in that family and felt abandoned by the people who gave her up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptee, adopted at birth and I have always known. My birth mom tried to abort me and failed. I ended up with a great home, wonderful parents and am a well adjusted new mom myself (bio kid). I am closer to my mom than anyone else and couldnt be happier. I wanted to adopt too, but DH was afraid.

Wow, you sound strange.
You describe your first mother as a person who wanted an abortion, speak of your adoptive parents with gratitude
That is the difference between adoptees and non-adaptees. We are not made to feel we must be grateful, and love our mothers even though had a tough time years and years ago and tried to get an abortion and failed.

She is grateful as any parents' child for having a loving family. I don't think she is strange and find this critique unjustified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to feel differently toward biological and adopted children YOU SHOULD NOT ADOPT - you have children - really... those kids will know it and you are not doing right by them as it will impact them. My husband has three bio kids and we have our adopted child - if anything he is more in love with our adopted child because of our situation and such... it has nothing to do with the child but circumstances. And if you feel differently to your adopted child then you should never adopt a second child...there are plenty of families trying to adopt who can't or having a hard time... let them adopt as they truly want to and will love those children and bond with them as you cannot. Your feelings will not change as you have made up your mind that this is how you feel and "hoping" if it hasn't happened now - isn't going to change...its really ashamed for those kids. I don't mean to sound harsh but its something people should think about before they adopt - some people just can't open themselves up in the same way and that's ok, but then don't adopt, especially twice or more.

My child is my child regardless of if I gave birth to him or not. I very much wanted him, I very much want him and he is every bit the child I would imagine to be mine if I were to "pick" out a child...blood related or not. He is mine through and through...and you can ask anyone who knows me, including his birthparents if this is how I really feel and everyone will tell you as it isn't something you even need to express. You can see it...pure love.

I think it should be noted that neither I, nor the following poster said we DON'T love our adopted children, only that it's different. I absolutely love and WANT my adopted kids. They came to our family at older ages and the process IS different. I don't think there's any reason why it has to be the SAME. All my children are treated with love. I don't treat any of them EXACTLY the same as that would be impossible. I react to them based on our experiences and the child's needs. It's not the SAME but it doesn't mean that I love them any less. I do "hope" that it will be more automatic and we won't have as many "issues" to react to as time goes on and we all learn to trust each other more. I don't think that's a shame at all as you said--in fact, who wouldn't hope that their children adjust to the family and feel comfortable there?! My children are ALL my children and I don't mean to suggest anything different. But I would by lying if I didn't admit that it's different. My biological children have the benefit of having been attached and bonded to our family since birth. My adopted children didn't get that benefit and so we have to consciously work to cement those bonds. Someone compared it to a husband/wife relationship and I would agree with that. But I didn't marry my husband the day I met him either. We fell in love and became to committed to each other through a process which took time. And I love him more every day. Just as I do ALL of my children.

[Anonymous]

So it is not the same, but different. Therefore a-parents regretting their adoption descision is not the same as bio parents regretting that they had children.

And I do wonder why one of the previous posters introduces his/her b-mother as a person who tried to get an abortion. I wonder how true that is and how it is important to mention on an anonomous forum. What are we supposed to think of her??
That is not a way to talk about someone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it is not the same, but different. Therefore a-parents regretting their adoption descision is not the same as bio parents regretting that they had children.

And I do wonder why one of the previous posters introduces his/her b-mother as a person who tried to get an abortion. I wonder how true that is and how it is important to mention on an anonomous forum. What are we supposed to think of her??
That is not a way to talk about someone

Huh? If it's true, and if it is how she sees her bio mom, then why can't she describe her this way? It's merely a factual description, and a pretty powerful one. This was not a mother who gave her child up out of love, but one who tried to kill her and failed. I see why the pp would use such a description to contrast her bio mom with her adoptive mom, with whom she shares a loving relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have both adopted and bio kids. The love comes a lot easier and more naturally with my biological kids. I don't regret adopting, but I do have moments of doubt and wonder what life would be like had I not. In the end, I think we are all better off the way things are, but I do feel guilty for not being able to provide my adopted kids with the kind of easy love that comes automatically with my bio kids. It is more of a commitment to be the best parent I can be to them. I still am proud of them and want what's best for them, but it's *not* the same like I hoped it would be. However, I will never ever let them know that, and I constantly pray they don't see any of it in subconscious actions. And I still hold out hope that as time goes on it WILL be the same. The bonding process isn't as instant. It takes time and that is the part that I regret.

Stepparent here- I have always been a little realistic in this arena- I think the fact that you acknowledge it and are taking steps to make sure you are being the best parent you can be are key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to feel differently toward biological and adopted children YOU SHOULD NOT ADOPT - you have children - really... those kids will know it and you are not doing right by them as it will impact them. My husband has three bio kids and we have our adopted child - if anything he is more in love with our adopted child because of our situation and such... it has nothing to do with the child but circumstances. And if you feel differently to your adopted child then you should never adopt a second child...there are plenty of families trying to adopt who can't or having a hard time... let them adopt as they truly want to and will love those children and bond with them as you cannot. Your feelings will not change as you have made up your mind that this is how you feel and "hoping" if it hasn't happened now - isn't going to change...its really ashamed for those kids. I don't mean to sound harsh but its something people should think about before they adopt - some people just can't open themselves up in the same way and that's ok, but then don't adopt, especially twice or more.

My child is my child regardless of if I gave birth to him or not. I very much wanted him, I very much want him and he is every bit the child I would imagine to be mine if I were to "pick" out a child...blood related or not. He is mine through and through...and you can ask anyone who knows me, including his birthparents if this is how I really feel and everyone will tell you as it isn't something you even need to express. You can see it...pure love.

I think it should be noted that neither I, nor the following poster said we DON'T love our adopted children, only that it's different. I absolutely love and WANT my adopted kids. They came to our family at older ages and the process IS different. I don't think there's any reason why it has to be the SAME. All my children are treated with love. I don't treat any of them EXACTLY the same as that would be impossible. I react to them based on our experiences and the child's needs. It's not the SAME but it doesn't mean that I love them any less. I do "hope" that it will be more automatic and we won't have as many "issues" to react to as time goes on and we all learn to trust each other more. I don't think that's a shame at all as you said--in fact, who wouldn't hope that their children adjust to the family and feel comfortable there?! My children are ALL my children and I don't mean to suggest anything different. But I would by lying if I didn't admit that it's different. My biological children have the benefit of having been attached and bonded to our family since birth. My adopted children didn't get that benefit and so we have to consciously work to cement those bonds. Someone compared it to a husband/wife relationship and I would agree with that. But I didn't marry my husband the day I met him either. We fell in love and became to committed to each other through a process which took time. And I love him more every day. Just as I do ALL of my children.

Just want to say you sound like your heart is in the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Huh? If it's true, and if it is how she sees her bio mom, then why can't she describe her this way? It's merely a factual description, and a pretty powerful one. This was not a mother who gave her child up out of love, but one who tried to kill her and failed. I see why the pp would use such a description to contrast her bio mom with her adoptive mom, with whom she shares a loving relationship.

Are you serious?
This lady tried to kill me and failed and so I got to live with this one -->
??
For all we know, the one she landed up with could not have children because she already had had 5 abortions!!!!

Where do you get this information? since when is it used in introductions?