Allow me to vent about lifestyle "catfishing"

[Anonymous]

Women's profiles invariably show them in some "exotic" location - most often Paris or Macchu Picchu. But a beach or boat shot is also common. Sometimes on the ski slope.

That's fine. I understand perfectly that you probably don't spend much time in Paris or Italy compared to the amount of time you spend in the office. You probably only spend a four or five days a year at the beach or on the ski slopes. But that's a better photo than you sitting behind your desk at work.

A very common photo I see in a lot of women's profiles - the car selfie - might be "realistic" but it comes across as low-effort and unimpressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is no different than how dating was before online dating or apps. People put up an image that may or may not be an accurate reflection of how they are. You have to get to know someone. The internet won't magically change or speed up that process.

I know, and maybe this is just an age-old question but, why do people misrepresent themselves, ever?! Just be yourself, because if you are not, people are only going to like you for who you are NOT, and this can't end well.

I just don't understand why people still do it.

I think it is less about deceit and more aspirational. Same reason people go out and buy camping equipment and don't camp, exercise equipment and don't exercise, etc. People a rarely honest with themselves, let alone potential dates or the faceless internet.

I agree it is aspirational more than deceit. I went out for a bit with a woman from a dating site that has you list favorite TV shows and movies and her answer was "no time for that, always on the go." I truly think she didn't realize that she watched 20+ hours of reality TV a week, because that whole time she had her laptop open and was responding to emails, updating her calendar and tons of other make-work BS that made her feel busy. The TV was just background noise.

I never understood reality TV and real housewives shows until I saw my sister’s friend doing this. Those shows are great to have on in the background because you can miss half of it and just pick up wherever you left off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on dating sites misrepresent who they are? You're kidding.

Seriously.

Uh, bonjour?

[Anonymous]

A very common photo I see in a lot of women's profiles - the car selfie - might be "realistic" but it comes across as low-effort and unimpressive.

This is a cousin of a bathroom selfie. Low-effort but what usually works in their advantage is a great lighting.

[Anonymous]

I’m a guy who likes to veg out to some tv after dinner before bed and hate doing crap during the week. Then on Saturday I like to go on an adventure/day trip/hike or something fun. Maybe you saw me doing a hobby on the weekend and just assumed that means that I never watch tv or something. It doesn’t have to be either go go go every second or never ever do anything at all, right? You may be making faulty assumptions about how other people balance their activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here. I have two pictures I can use. One shows me on top of the Tetons (not mentioning I took the tram and am gasping for oxygen), and the other shows me sitting on the couch scratching my balls. Which one do you think I am going to use? I certainly spend a lot more time on couch than the Tetons.

The same thing applies to women: don't show yourself at Nat's park if you have gone there once. I am going to assume that is your happy place, and picture a life where we watch baseball together either in person on on the sofa (I got balls to scratch) for 162 games per year (181 last year). I would expect you would grasp the goal of scheduling vacations around road trips (Coors field and ATT Park are nice starting points). But then you do not even know the significance of 6-4-3. Or know what I am talking about with that wonder Oct 30th clang.

It goes both ways. When I find out your idea of entertainment is TCM and not MASN.....

OP here and I get there may be some snarkery in there but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Of course our pictures are not going to be 100% accurate, otherwise they'd all be pictures of us in our office, our bedroom, or our kitchen, or stuck in traffic. The idea is that you show who you are when it's your choice to express yourself. I'd like pictures to tell me: What do I choose to do with the discretionary time I have, and what will my partner and I be spending weekends doing?

I'm not going to post pictures of myself at a Nats game, since I have no idea what it is you are talking about. Likewise, if it's a 75 degree day out and you are in the basement playing Minecraft, maybe take some screenshots of your playing Minecraft, or however that's done. Don't show me pictures of yourself on the beach or in the mountains because I'm going to want to drag you out of your man cave and go explore an actual cave. The idea is to be upfront about what kind of life you want to have with your girlfriend. Not: show pictures of yourself that make you look like a fun person that girls would like, only to complain that a girl is too high-maintenance because they actually want to go out and do things.

PP here. My approach, when I dated, was to be honest about myself. What I like to do, what I don't like to do. I do not enjoy Opera. I would not claim too. Baseball yes. When I first tried on-line dating (1996-1997), I was a young professional (still profession, young not so much); I liked to watch sports; I also like semicolons. I am into weather and astronomy, but (unlike most astronomy buffs), I am not a night owl. I admitted that. I met my ex based on going out to see Comet Hale-Bopp. She worked mornings, so I assumed she was a morning person too. She misled me about a lot of things: what she did (She named the company but not her role). She mentioned her house with housemates,....it was only after I had fallen for her that I found out that she was the receptionist...and her housemates were her mom dad and sister (she was 30). I looked past it. Oh, morning person...only because she had to be up early for work. She talked about loving baseball; we went to an O's game and she got bored and wanted to leave after the 4th inning...The sex was good, though. Until it wasn't.

So if you knew upfront that she was a receptionist, didn't like baseball, lived with her parents, and wasn't a morning person then you wouldn't have dated her?

Probably not, TBH. We divorced and I got custody of our kid (who is now an adult).

That sounds very closeminded but expected of the 'professional' guys in this area. My fiance runs his own business with 25 employees still lives at home but pays for stuff, is a night owl, and not into baseball but soccer. We met when he was making only 27k after graduation. His investments world-wide properties and business make him a millionaire now. Then again I'm more accepting and I'm not white American so that closemindedness isn't something that I was raised with.

NP here and I wouldn't date someone that lived with their parents at 30. Sorry, there's a certain amount of independence associated with moving out and having your own place. Good for you that you found the exception to the rule but there's usually some underlying issues if someone is still living with mom and dad at that age. That said, I'm not sure why a topic of conversation on the first date wouldn't be along the lines of what do you do at the Company since we spend so much of our days at work it's a natural discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here. I have two pictures I can use. One shows me on top of the Tetons (not mentioning I took the tram and am gasping for oxygen), and the other shows me sitting on the couch scratching my balls. Which one do you think I am going to use? I certainly spend a lot more time on couch than the Tetons.

The same thing applies to women: don't show yourself at Nat's park if you have gone there once. I am going to assume that is your happy place, and picture a life where we watch baseball together either in person on on the sofa (I got balls to scratch) for 162 games per year (181 last year). I would expect you would grasp the goal of scheduling vacations around road trips (Coors field and ATT Park are nice starting points). But then you do not even know the significance of 6-4-3. Or know what I am talking about with that wonder Oct 30th clang.

It goes both ways. When I find out your idea of entertainment is TCM and not MASN.....

OP here and I get there may be some snarkery in there but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Of course our pictures are not going to be 100% accurate, otherwise they'd all be pictures of us in our office, our bedroom, or our kitchen, or stuck in traffic. The idea is that you show who you are when it's your choice to express yourself. I'd like pictures to tell me: What do I choose to do with the discretionary time I have, and what will my partner and I be spending weekends doing?

I'm not going to post pictures of myself at a Nats game, since I have no idea what it is you are talking about. Likewise, if it's a 75 degree day out and you are in the basement playing Minecraft, maybe take some screenshots of your playing Minecraft, or however that's done. Don't show me pictures of yourself on the beach or in the mountains because I'm going to want to drag you out of your man cave and go explore an actual cave. The idea is to be upfront about what kind of life you want to have with your girlfriend. Not: show pictures of yourself that make you look like a fun person that girls would like, only to complain that a girl is too high-maintenance because they actually want to go out and do things.

PP here. My approach, when I dated, was to be honest about myself. What I like to do, what I don't like to do. I do not enjoy Opera. I would not claim too. Baseball yes. When I first tried on-line dating (1996-1997), I was a young professional (still profession, young not so much); I liked to watch sports; I also like semicolons. I am into weather and astronomy, but (unlike most astronomy buffs), I am not a night owl. I admitted that. I met my ex based on going out to see Comet Hale-Bopp. She worked mornings, so I assumed she was a morning person too. She misled me about a lot of things: what she did (She named the company but not her role). She mentioned her house with housemates,....it was only after I had fallen for her that I found out that she was the receptionist...and her housemates were her mom dad and sister (she was 30). I looked past it. Oh, morning person...only because she had to be up early for work. She talked about loving baseball; we went to an O's game and she got bored and wanted to leave after the 4th inning...The sex was good, though. Until it wasn't.

So if you knew upfront that she was a receptionist, didn't like baseball, lived with her parents, and wasn't a morning person then you wouldn't have dated her?

Probably not, TBH. We divorced and I got custody of our kid (who is now an adult).

That sounds very closeminded but expected of the 'professional' guys in this area. My fiance runs his own business with 25 employees still lives at home but pays for stuff, is a night owl, and not into baseball but soccer. We met when he was making only 27k after graduation. His investments world-wide properties and business make him a millionaire now. Then again I'm more accepting and I'm not white American so that closemindedness isn't something that I was raised with.

NP here and I wouldn't date someone that lived with their parents at 30. Sorry, there's a certain amount of independence associated with moving out and having your own place. Good for you that you found the exception to the rule but there's usually some underlying issues if someone is still living with mom and dad at that age. That said, I'm not sure why a topic of conversation on the first date wouldn't be along the lines of what do you do at the Company since we spend so much of our days at work it's a natural discussion.

We live in an expensive area. Past peoples anal criticism and judgy remarks it only makes logical sense to live with family and help with bills or rent if it will allow you to save money for a house as my bf has done.

[Anonymous]

When I've casually dated people who have lived at home, I ask them questions to figure out what their plan is. Are they living at home for a defined period too save money for a down payment, or to look after a sick parent, or as a place holder before they move somewhere else? Their response tells me a lot. If they say, "I'm living at home for 1 year to save money for my down payment and I can't wait to move out" then I'm like "Ok, that's reasonable" If they just say "Well, it's nice to live at home and my Mom cooks and cleans for me" then that is a HUGE red flag at the age of 30+.

[Anonymous]

Stop showing pictures of yourself climbing mountains or doing other outdoor activities when that does not accurately represent your lifestyle.

This is different from showing travel pictures.

No, it’s not. Unless you actually visit Venice more often than I climb mountains, it’s no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex had on his match profile that he worked out 4-5 days a week! I guess he considers taking the trash out a workout. I feel you!

Ex’s actually do work out quite a bit. It’s called a “revenge body”.

This is so true. I had to look at those same, busted ass “34 longs” for 9 years. Less than 6 months after the divorce is final she’s a cross fitter with triple D’s.

Sounds like she’s happier without you.

[Anonymous]

Please put potentials, pics and text, in this forum so we can dissect for you!

[Anonymous]

The travel thing doesn't bother me, but the career/income thing does. This week I've had the following:

1. Talked about how ambitious he is and how he owns a boat. Turns out he's a UPS driver

2. Bragged how he's an executive for a collection of small businesses, he's expanding his business ventures, he's busy but can handle it all because of his team of awesome people. Find out he has zero income, can't find a job, and the "collection" consists of 2 brand-new businesses that have tanked.

I don't need someone with a high-powered career - I'm happy making my own money - but I can't stand dishonesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, I think you need to lighten up a bit. I’m a bookish introvert and my profile used to make that clear, but there were pics of me doing active, outdoor things because those are the activities you take pictures of. No one took pictures of me reading. And even if I had pics of me reading, I wouldn’t use those on a match.com profile because that would be weird, even though I was looking for a fellow reader. I wasn’t trying to mislead anyone. It’s a matter of what types of activities we humans take photos of — social activities and pretty activities and activities in nature. We don’t snap shots of Minecraft. That doesn’t mean everyone is trying to mislead you (although certainly some people are!).

How did it work out for you?

[Anonymous]

Stop showing pictures of yourself climbing mountains or doing other outdoor activities when that does not accurately represent your lifestyle.

How often do I have to go mountain climbing before I’m allowed to post a photo of me doing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Stop showing pictures of yourself climbing mountains or doing other outdoor activities when that does not accurately represent your lifestyle.

How often do I have to go mountain climbing before I’m allowed to post a photo of me doing it?

You must constantly update your photo to reflect your current activity. If I can’t divine every detail of your life from your profile pic, it means you’re a liar.