An example of an everyday interaction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

+2
This is not even close to normal. My 6 and 8 year old children - who aren't even particularly responsible for their ages - would not do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

have you had children with this person? Does he have a job? Has he had neuropsych testing? I kind of can't believe this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

DOES he have a disability? (Or handicap, as you say?). I am judging him, but you haven't said he has a diagnosed disability. You just said he was "absentminded" and "impulsive" ... I'm both of those things as well, but I'd NEVER do what he did, and I wouldn't call it a disability. A personal flaw, perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're both idiots. You deserve each other.

He has ADHD and you should divorce immediately. He's cheating for sure and probably intentionally running over Canadian geese in you neighborhood and speeding away, unbeknownst to you (rinses blood and feathers at the local do-it-yourself car wash). Plus, his nephew is staying rent free in a family vacation home in North Carolina, while bringing a friend who your DH wants to charge rent. Run, don't walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're both idiots. You deserve each other.

He has ADHD and you should divorce immediately. He's cheating for sure and probably intentionally running over Canadian geese in you neighborhood and speeding away, unbeknownst to you (rinses blood and feathers at the local do-it-yourself car wash). Plus, his nephew is staying rent free in a family vacation home in North Carolina, while bringing a friend who your DH wants to charge rent. Run, don't walk.

Not sure if you think you’re funny, but pouring a full pot of soup on a boiling stovetop is normal? A preschooler knows not tondo this.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? If this is an everyday type interaction and you don’t have kids - GET OUT. Just divorce. Yes it will suck, yes I know you don’t want it to, but it will suck way less than living with this for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Who cleans hot soup off a hot stove? Let the whole operation cool off and THEN clean it. Otherwise someone or something else is going to get burned.

[Anonymous]

Really, why are you torturing yourself. You really do not need to live this way

[Anonymous]

This is not being eccentric OP. This is being severely mentally unwell.

[Anonymous]

honestly, sounds like he might have undiagnosed adult ADHD. Impluse control, reactionary, blames you when you react. Hyper sensitive to critique because he's feeling ashamed and vulnerable. It is manageable - but his has to recognize his symptoms and work on them, and you have to work on understanding his mind and how you react to his symptoms honestly, sounds like he might have undiagnosed adult ADHD. Impluse control, reactionary, blames you when you react. Hyper sensitive to critique because he's feeling ashamed and vulnerable. It is manageable - but his has to recognize his symptoms and work on them, and you have to work on understanding his mind and how you react to his symptoms

My husband has untreated (I've tried) ADHD and he definitely acts like this, though I don't think he dump out the soup, but would grab it away and spill some. Also loses things all the time. Is hyper sensitive to criticism and reactive. He is also incredibly loyal, would take a bullet for us, is not selfish and tries to make up for disorganization and anxiety fueled reactions. While I wish he would try meds again, things got better after he quit caffeine, started exercising for stress, and going to family therapy, a big part of which is about his relationship to our son, and has shown him how negative patterns and anxiety have created a bad dynamic. I've also learned to be super chill, and not react like I used to....

Good luck op. I don't think it's abusive but it is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.[/quote

have you had children with this person? Does he have a job? Has he had neuropsych testing? I kind of can't believe this is real.

Yes we have young children. Yes he has a well-paying job and he's very good at it. No he hasn't had any neuropsych eval, and he never will, he is extremely defensive to any hint of suggestion that there might be something "wrong" with him. And yes it's very real. I don't tell anyone in real life all the stories of the nonsensical "wtf" things he's done, because he is hypersensitive to any perceived criticism and would be absolutely livid if I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

DOES he have a disability? (Or handicap, as you say?). I am judging him, but you haven't said he has a diagnosed disability. You just said he was "absentminded" and "impulsive" ... I'm both of those things as well, but I'd NEVER do what he did, and I wouldn't call it a disability. A personal flaw, perhaps.

I consider it a disability of sorts, but he has no formal diagnosis and I don't think any label would actually fit him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

DOES he have a disability? (Or handicap, as you say?). I am judging him, but you haven't said he has a diagnosed disability. You just said he was "absentminded" and "impulsive" ... I'm both of those things as well, but I'd NEVER do what he did, and I wouldn't call it a disability. A personal flaw, perhaps.

I consider it a disability of sorts, but he has no formal diagnosis and I don't think any label would actually fit him.

*Everything* you’ve posted about him screams ADHD. Why do you think no label would fit him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:honestly, sounds like he might have undiagnosed adult ADHD. Impluse control, reactionary, blames you when you react. Hyper sensitive to critique because he's feeling ashamed and vulnerable. It is manageable - but his has to recognize his symptoms and work on them, and you have to work on understanding his mind and how you react to his symptoms

I found this site really helpful:

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/

The latter should NOT happen if the former doesn't. As the spouse of an ADD man who refuses to address his ADD, there is no way I'm understanding anything, nor am I going to coddle his feelings. That's called enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frustrating, OP. He's super quick to action but then defensive about the response he gets. In the example you gave, you shouldn't have yelled "Just STOP." I get why you did it, but it wasn't helpful. I think you should have gone to him and apologized for reacting so harshly to his reaction, and then asked him to clean up the mess he made.

Maybe try to look on the bright side. My husband is super thoughtful and ponders everything. so. slowly. and. thoroughly. It drives me crazy. Sooo frustrating in its own way.

But guess which guy I'd rather have in the room if a fire suddenly did start blazing? Your guy would be racing for the fire extinguisher (and probably dousing everything, whether on fire or not), and my guy would be thinking, "Huh. there's a fire. We need to do something about that."

This made me LOL - the part about how your husband would react to a fire in the room. See, that would be me. I'm the under-reacter - I think about things. He's the over-reacter - and yes, he'd be very useful in a real emergency. When we had a newborn, every time the baby made a sound in her sleep, he'd LITERALLY jump out of bed in full panic mode. So we had to move the baby out of the room so he could sleep with a closed door, and I slept alone with the baby in the next room.

I know I should try to do what you say - apologize to him about reacting the way I did. But ugh I'm stubborn too, and he literally has never apologized for anything, so it makes me less inclined to apologize to him, especially for something I think was a somewhat reasonable reaction to the situation.

NP. Do NOT apologize! You will just be enabling his further reactions. What he did was impulsive and unsafe.