An example of an everyday interaction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frustrating, OP. He's super quick to action but then defensive about the response he gets. In the example you gave, you shouldn't have yelled "Just STOP." I get why you did it, but it wasn't helpful. I think you should have gone to him and apologized for reacting so harshly to his reaction, and then asked him to clean up the mess he made.

Maybe try to look on the bright side. My husband is super thoughtful and ponders everything. so. slowly. and. thoroughly. It drives me crazy. Sooo frustrating in its own way.

But guess which guy I'd rather have in the room if a fire suddenly did start blazing? Your guy would be racing for the fire extinguisher (and probably dousing everything, whether on fire or not), and my guy would be thinking, "Huh. there's a fire. We need to do something about that."

This made me LOL - the part about how your husband would react to a fire in the room. See, that would be me. I'm the under-reacter - I think about things. He's the over-reacter - and yes, he'd be very useful in a real emergency. When we had a newborn, every time the baby made a sound in her sleep, he'd LITERALLY jump out of bed in full panic mode. So we had to move the baby out of the room so he could sleep with a closed door, and I slept alone with the baby in the next room.

I know I should try to do what you say - apologize to him about reacting the way I did. But ugh I'm stubborn too, and he literally has never apologized for anything, so it makes me less inclined to apologize to him, especially for something I think was a somewhat reasonable reaction to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. To be clear, my husband was not being passive aggressive or abusive by flipping the pot over and spilling out all the soup. It's just how he is - he is absent-minded and reactive and it is the norm for him to do some pretty nonsensical things. He saw something burning, he flipped over the pot without thinking, forgetting that it was filled with soup. He does things like this all the time and I've come to terms and accepted that aspect of him. To give another example, he once found a tick on his leg, and he freaked out, stripped off his pants and underwear and threw it all in the washing machine and washed it on hot. Later he realized his smartphone and some cash were still in his pockets.

The thing that bothers me though is how he then automatically blames me and makes me out to be the bad guy. Every time. I've learned most of the time to not say anything remotely negative when he does stuff like that, because he's already frustrated with himself. But sometimes, when it's just so 'WTF' I can't help but say SOMETHING, you know? Essentially here I am minding my own business making soup, and he just walks in the room and flips my pot of soup over. It's hard not to react to something like that. But then he gets really angry with me and blames me for it, and he becomes so hyper-sensitive to anything that he thinks might have a whiff of criticism that I feel like I cannot say anything at all.

It sounds like your husband is dealing with some unprocessed trauma. When someone gets stuck in fight or flight mode they assume the negative (subconsciously) as a means of survival. Here is a worksheet for “Changing Negative Thinking Patterns” https://www.ptsd.va.gov/apps/ptsdcoachonline/tools/change-negative-thinking-patterns/pages/files/change-negative-thinking-patterns-worksheet.pdf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're both idiots. You deserve each other.

+1 match made in heaven

Agree

[Anonymous]

Does he have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're both idiots. You deserve each other.

+1 match made in heaven

Agree

Yep. Sounds like 2 idiots. Not sure why OP would even post this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you must have liked this about him if you decided to marry him. Enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Living with one's spouse is highly overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how I would take it: That was passive aggressive. And abusive as hell.

If you don't have kids, just get out.

Abusive and passive aggressive and conflict resolution avoidant at a minimum.

If it’s frequent and pervasive then it is fueled by an underlying condition like autism or ADHD.

Alternatively he could just be a selfish, insensitive a hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. To be clear, my husband was not being passive aggressive or abusive by flipping the pot over and spilling out all the soup. It's just how he is - he is absent-minded and reactive and it is the norm for him to do some pretty nonsensical things. He saw something burning, he flipped over the pot without thinking, forgetting that it was filled with soup. He does things like this all the time and I've come to terms and accepted that aspect of him. To give another example, he once found a tick on his leg, and he freaked out, stripped off his pants and underwear and threw it all in the washing machine and washed it on hot. Later he realized his smartphone and some cash were still in his pockets.

The thing that bothers me though is how he then automatically blames me and makes me out to be the bad guy. Every time. I've learned most of the time to not say anything remotely negative when he does stuff like that, because he's already frustrated with himself. But sometimes, when it's just so 'WTF' I can't help but say SOMETHING, you know? Essentially here I am minding my own business making soup, and he just walks in the room and flips my pot of soup over. It's hard not to react to something like that. But then he gets really angry with me and blames me for it, and he becomes so hyper-sensitive to anything that he thinks might have a whiff of criticism that I feel like I cannot say anything at all.

Wtf. Not normal. He’s got real issues. Are they elsewhere in his family tree?

[Anonymous]

He has to stop deflecting and blaming you for his ill-begotten behaviors and messes.
Name calling must stop.
Normal communicating must start. Reacting must stop.

Then tackle WTH he is “absentminded” which is a polite way of saying he has brain structure issues, in the industry.

[Anonymous]

Why do ppl say if u don’t have kids, divorce? I’d say leave either way, wouldn’t want my kid around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

Sounds like he’s on the spectrum.