An example of an everyday interaction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am alone in the kitchen, cooking soup on the pot. I notice a burning smell, and look on the pot to see that there was just a little piece of paper stuck to the bottom, no big deal.

Cue my husband, who rolls into the kitchen, sees me looking at the pot. "SOMETHING'S BURNING ON THE POT!!" I say, "Yeah I know." He then grabs the pot handle, flips the pot over to look, meanwhile spilling out all of the soup onto the stove top. I yell, incredulous, "WHAT in the world??" He says, "What?? There was something on the bottom of the pot!" He then puts the hot pot directly on to the kitchen counter with no trivet or anything. I grab the pot off the counter, and said "Just STOP."

He then proceeds to walk out of the kitchen, leaving the whole mess behind, hot soup all over the stove top. I said, "So you're not going to clean this up?" And he huffs back at me, "WHAT?! YOU told me to just stop!" So now he's mad at ME. And there goes my soup. And now I have another mess to clean up.

This sounds like something my ADHD kid would do - no impulse control, no forethought, trying to get out of dealing with consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am alone in the kitchen, cooking soup on the pot. I notice a burning smell, and look on the pot to see that there was just a little piece of paper stuck to the bottom, no big deal.

Cue my husband, who rolls into the kitchen, sees me looking at the pot. "SOMETHING'S BURNING ON THE POT!!" I say, "Yeah I know." He then grabs the pot handle, flips the pot over to look, meanwhile spilling out all of the soup onto the stove top. I yell, incredulous, "WHAT in the world??" He says, "What?? There was something on the bottom of the pot!" He then puts the hot pot directly on to the kitchen counter with no trivet or anything. I grab the pot off the counter, and said "Just STOP."

He then proceeds to walk out of the kitchen, leaving the whole mess behind, hot soup all over the stove top. I said, "So you're not going to clean this up?" And he huffs back at me, "WHAT?! YOU told me to just stop!" So now he's mad at ME. And there goes my soup. And now I have another mess to clean up.

He’s abusive. This is incredibly abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

This is how I would take it: That was passive aggressive. And abusive as hell.

If you don't have kids, just get out.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. To be clear, my husband was not being passive aggressive or abusive by flipping the pot over and spilling out all the soup. It's just how he is - he is absent-minded and reactive and it is the norm for him to do some pretty nonsensical things. He saw something burning, he flipped over the pot without thinking, forgetting that it was filled with soup. He does things like this all the time and I've come to terms and accepted that aspect of him. To give another example, he once found a tick on his leg, and he freaked out, stripped off his pants and underwear and threw it all in the washing machine and washed it on hot. Later he realized his smartphone and some cash were still in his pockets.

The thing that bothers me though is how he then automatically blames me and makes me out to be the bad guy. Every time. I've learned most of the time to not say anything remotely negative when he does stuff like that, because he's already frustrated with himself. But sometimes, when it's just so 'WTF' I can't help but say SOMETHING, you know? Essentially here I am minding my own business making soup, and he just walks in the room and flips my pot of soup over. It's hard not to react to something like that. But then he gets really angry with me and blames me for it, and he becomes so hyper-sensitive to anything that he thinks might have a whiff of criticism that I feel like I cannot say anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce OP.

[Anonymous]

I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

[Anonymous]

Is he massively anxious or something? These seem like such weird overreactions. Like screaming when you see a mouse and jumping onto a table and continuing to scream.

[Anonymous]

Frustrating, OP. He's super quick to action but then defensive about the response he gets. In the example you gave, you shouldn't have yelled "Just STOP." I get why you did it, but it wasn't helpful. I think you should have gone to him and apologized for reacting so harshly to his reaction, and then asked him to clean up the mess he made.

Maybe try to look on the bright side. My husband is super thoughtful and ponders everything. so. slowly. and. thoroughly. It drives me crazy. Sooo frustrating in its own way.

But guess which guy I'd rather have in the room if a fire suddenly did start blazing? Your guy would be racing for the fire extinguisher (and probably dousing everything, whether on fire or not), and my guy would be thinking, "Huh. there's a fire. We need to do something about that."

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would be able to live with someone who acts like OPs husband.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you saw it was burning but just figured it was no big deal and just watched it burn?

Or did you pick up the pot and he grabbed it out of your hands? How would he do this if you had the pot by the handle?

I don't even get how this scenario happened?

It seems neither of you had a normal response to a pot burning on the stove. You underreacted and he overreacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you saw it was burning but just figured it was no big deal and just watched it burn?

Or did you pick up the pot and he grabbed it out of your hands? How would he do this if you had the pot by the handle?

I don't even get how this scenario happened?

It seems neither of you had a normal response to a pot burning on the stove. You underreacted and he overreacted.

It was a tiny piece of paper stuck to the side/bottom of the pot. Yes, I looked at it and thought it was no big deal to just let it burn off. I didn't pick up the pot, he did.

[Anonymous]

honestly, sounds like he might have undiagnosed adult ADHD. Impluse control, reactionary, blames you when you react. Hyper sensitive to critique because he's feeling ashamed and vulnerable. It is manageable - but his has to recognize his symptoms and work on them, and you have to work on understanding his mind and how you react to his symptoms

I found this site really helpful:

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am alone in the kitchen, cooking soup on the pot. I notice a burning smell, and look on the pot to see that there was just a little piece of paper stuck to the bottom, no big deal.

Cue my husband, who rolls into the kitchen, sees me looking at the pot. "SOMETHING'S BURNING ON THE POT!!" I say, "Yeah I know." He then grabs the pot handle, flips the pot over to look, meanwhile spilling out all of the soup onto the stove top. I yell, incredulous, "WHAT in the world??" He says, "What?? There was something on the bottom of the pot!" He then puts the hot pot directly on to the kitchen counter with no trivet or anything. I grab the pot off the counter, and said "Just STOP."

He then proceeds to walk out of the kitchen, leaving the whole mess behind, hot soup all over the stove top. I said, "So you're not going to clean this up?" And he huffs back at me, "WHAT?! YOU told me to just stop!" So now he's mad at ME. And there goes my soup. And now I have another mess to clean up.

He’s abusive. This is incredibly abusive behavior.

+1. This is a very troubling dynamic.

[Anonymous]

This isn't rocket science. He did a boneheaded thing. OP was rude.

In a sense, being rude to a loved one is worse than being a bonehead.

But really, both OP and her husband need to lighten up, laugh it off, and realize that they are just going to have to put up with each other's imperfections.

These people calling for divorce because of one story like this are bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am alone in the kitchen, cooking soup on the pot. I notice a burning smell, and look on the pot to see that there was just a little piece of paper stuck to the bottom, no big deal.

Cue my husband, who rolls into the kitchen, sees me looking at the pot. "SOMETHING'S BURNING ON THE POT!!" I say, "Yeah I know." He then grabs the pot handle, flips the pot over to look, meanwhile spilling out all of the soup onto the stove top. I yell, incredulous, "WHAT in the world??" He says, "What?? There was something on the bottom of the pot!" He then puts the hot pot directly on to the kitchen counter with no trivet or anything. I grab the pot off the counter, and said "Just STOP."

He then proceeds to walk out of the kitchen, leaving the whole mess behind, hot soup all over the stove top. I said, "So you're not going to clean this up?" And he huffs back at me, "WHAT?! YOU told me to just stop!" So now he's mad at ME. And there goes my soup. And now I have another mess to clean up.

He’s abusive. This is incredibly abusive behavior.

+1. This is a very troubling dynamic.

What?! "Incredibly abusive"? "Very troubling"? You are nuts.