Really need some good advice teen son spiraling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents also need to realize that often they are a big part of the problem, even if they mean well, which is why sending the boy away to military school will help. There is too much medicalization these days of kids/teens behavior problems. I have known several people who have had serious addictions to hard drugs or alcohol and none of them got over it from “treatment” where they usually relapsed within a few months.

Again, terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you explain what support and treatment he is getting for the ADHD? This kind of behavior is textbook for ADHD that isn't treated.


https://www.additudemag.com/the-truth-about-adhd-and-addiction/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents also need to realize that often they are a big part of the problem, even if they mean well, which is why sending the boy away to military school will help. There is too much medicalization these days of kids/teens behavior problems. I have known several people who have had serious addictions to hard drugs or alcohol and none of them got over it from “treatment” where they usually relapsed within a few months.

Again, terrible advice.

This. A family member went to military school and was sexually assaulted there when several boys held him down and another assaulted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents also need to realize that often they are a big part of the problem, even if they mean well, which is why sending the boy away to military school will help. There is too much medicalization these days of kids/teens behavior problems. I have known several people who have had serious addictions to hard drugs or alcohol and none of them got over it from “treatment” where they usually relapsed within a few months.

Again, terrible advice.

This. A family member went to military school and was sexually assaulted there when several boys held him down and another assaulted him.

So awful.

That pp is acting like this is a discipline issue. It isn't. You can't fix depression, anxiety, mental health issues, ADHD or learning disabilities that way.

And the abuse that happens at those kind of schools is super common. - physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Taking isolated and marginalized kids and removing their family support is a predator's dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military School - he needs to get it together and touchy feely psychobabble will not help. He needs to own himself and his mistakes

No. There’s some kids for whom military/boarding school/wilderness programs can be helpful. The kids who have already been expelled from their base schools and are now staring down juvie or even the adult criminal justice system. Kids who are mixed up with gangs, fighting, arson, serious sh*t. Then I might say well try it as a last-ditch thing. Keeping in mind some of those programs are shoddily regulated at best and kids have died or been seriously injured. But this kid is just doing normal dumb teen stuff made worse by his mental and physical health issues. It won’t take a military school to get him on track. That’s the nuclear option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of great answers. I would also consider considering his spiritual health and if connecting to God/other spiritual truths could be helpful (not in a legalistic, bashing way of course but in an accepting love/worth kind of way).

I agree with this (I am OP) as it’s how I deal with all of this but not sure how you make someone to that. He’s been exposed.

I recently changed churches at my teen DD's urging. We are in a new church community that is way more engaging for my teens and for me too. Maybe ask him if he wants to check out a new faith community. Just pop into a couple and see if any grab him in a different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of great answers. I would also consider considering his spiritual health and if connecting to God/other spiritual truths could be helpful (not in a legalistic, bashing way of course but in an accepting love/worth kind of way).

I agree with this (I am OP) as it’s how I deal with all of this but not sure how you make someone to that. He’s been exposed.

I recently changed churches at my teen DD's urging. We are in a new church community that is way more engaging for my teens and for me too. Maybe ask him if he wants to check out a new faith community. Just pop into a couple and see if any grab him in a different way.

And you can always do your own reading or talk with a trusted clergy member to get some grounding in things you can say to your kid. We parent a child prone to anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. from a faith perspective, and we emphasize so much that those labels are not WHO the child is. Our child is beloved, created uniquely, uniquely gifted with talents, insights, etc., and their present struggles are not WHO they are, they are challenges that they have and that can be addressed with love and support. When children are spiraling they do really need help to see themselves differently and having a trusted clergy person work through that with you (and your son if he's open) can be part of your overall care approach as you get the other professional support in place that he needs. For your own reading, Brene Brown's work on shame is really powerful, as is Curt Thompson's book The Soul of Shame. Dr. Thompson is a Christian and has a local psychiatry practice as well; his work has really resonated with men in particular.

[Anonymous]

some mindfulness meditation may help if he would give it a try.

This may have some useful info. https://imcw.org/

[Anonymous]

We have a couple of neighborhood boys at military school (massanutten academy). Both are thriving on the structure - with one graduating with a desire for a military career.
Def research the school for any red flags if you choose this path. Much luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at exactly the same place with DD. Not sure what to do.

I’m sorry. What have you tried? What are you considering ?

[Anonymous]

Things began to change for us in similar situation was looking at the situation a DS was struggling and not misbehaving. Also realizing we could not control him, but we could support him.

We got a good therapist for him. Note I didn't say a good therapist, I said good therapist for him. We tried a couple and they were not a good match. When we found a therapist and the clicked it made a huge difference. Took about 9 months to feel things were better.

[Anonymous]

What in God's name is a "wellness reboot"? This sounds like something you heard about from Dr. Oz.

You have a kid who smokes or vapes, drinks some, gets high some and has ADHD. He sounds like my son, except that mine doesn't smoke/vape (although I smoked in high school). My kid doesn't need a "wellness reboot" or a "detox" or crystals, energy therapy or any other similar nonsense. My kid knows that he needs to do well in school and not be arrested. Beyond that, we pretty much leave it up to him, although we support tutoring and ADHD treatment to the extent he's willing to do those. It's working fine -- DS has good grades, was admitted to a great college and doesn't get in trouble.

Have you considered that the problem may be you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in God's name is a "wellness reboot"? This sounds like something you heard about from Dr. Oz.

You have a kid who smokes or vapes, drinks some, gets high some and has ADHD. He sounds like my son, except that mine doesn't smoke/vape (although I smoked in high school). My kid doesn't need a "wellness reboot" or a "detox" or crystals, energy therapy or any other similar nonsense. My kid knows that he needs to do well in school and not be arrested. Beyond that, we pretty much leave it up to him, although we support tutoring and ADHD treatment to the extent he's willing to do those. It's working fine -- DS has good grades, was admitted to a great college and doesn't get in trouble.

Have you considered that the problem may be you?

That was just mean. You sound like your kid is doing fine and on a good track and that is great, but the OP feels her situation is not going the direction of a good path, so there is a big difference. My guess is that she is probably dealing with a more drinking/vaping/weed than you are to feel like it is spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents also need to realize that often they are a big part of the problem, even if they mean well, which is why sending the boy away to military school will help. There is too much medicalization these days of kids/teens behavior problems. I have known several people who have had serious addictions to hard drugs or alcohol and none of them got over it from “treatment” where they usually relapsed within a few months.

Again, terrible advice.

So … the first poster's statement is blunt and maybe poorly said; however, there is some validity to the concept of helping a child by changing the environment. It can be especially helpful when the adults and child are in a vicious cycle of action and reaction. It may not be necessary though if the parents need to be capable of re-tooling themselves and their parenting techniques to stop the bad cycling. And of course the child needs to be in a peer and social environment that is supportive of positive change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents also need to realize that often they are a big part of the problem, even if they mean well, which is why sending the boy away to military school will help. There is too much medicalization these days of kids/teens behavior problems. I have known several people who have had serious addictions to hard drugs or alcohol and none of them got over it from “treatment” where they usually relapsed within a few months.

Again, terrible advice.

So … the first poster's statement is blunt and maybe poorly said; however, there is some validity to the concept of helping a child by changing the environment. It can be especially helpful when the adults and child are in a vicious cycle of action and reaction. It may not be necessary though if the parents need to be capable of re-tooling themselves and their parenting techniques to stop the bad cycling. And of course the child needs to be in a peer and social environment that is supportive of positive change.

DP. Except that's not what the PP said. 'Sending the boy away to military school will help' is not the same thing as 'helping a child by changing the environment' except, perhaps, in an an Orwellian sense.

When you consider the PP asserted as factual 'there is too much medicalization these days' followed by personal anecdotes reinforcing her bias against 'treatment', you would be incorrect to think the PP was thinking a change in environment would be helpful - unless that change was to an authoritarian style school which would treat behavior problems with discipline rather than as symptoms of a larger mental health issue.