Wwyd if you were me

[Anonymous]

I would not have more kids with this man - you're obviously not happy with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I both met at same demanding / high comp job. We agreed we would be equals and each scale back as need demanded. 2 kids in joke is on me and probably surprising to no one, I’ve scaled back a lot and he hasn’t. My career isn’t in total shambles but I’m currently definitely mommy tracked. He’s been very successful (Thanks to both natural talent and his workaholic attitude) and has a lot of financial success. He has all sorts of neuroses and mental health issues that will likely always make him a workaholic so that that as a fixed thing in this context.

I love being a mom. I also love working but resent the handicapped career I currently have.

I’m debating do I want a 3rd kid and just go all in on mom-ing. Pro is its just accepting a path, getting an upside of the personal sacrifices (why not take a tennis lesson on Tuesday! Why not never have to crank at a model at 10pm again!), and aligning the reality to dhs needs

Con is I’m giving up my professional life that is important to me and dad to day accepting all domestic responsibilities (I can outsource as needed but dh would never again feel any need to make accommodations for domestic needs)

The juggling with 2 kids and a job (given dhs job) feels like I’m losing on all fronts. A third kid feels like it justifies throwing in the towel. But it also feels like filling going all in on just being mom and giving up any really professional ambition.

Random context is I made good money on an early startup I worked for so while it’s not crazy money I wouldn’t feel stuck financially with dh ever. Apologies that this feels rambling, I’m particularly frustrated today so having wine and posting here vs picking a fight with dh

Oh, good lord. Get a damn problem,! Stop whining. Come back when you have a diagnosis of cancer

People without cancer are allowed to post about their problems too. It doesn't make them less real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does your husband feel about having a third kid? Is he onboard with you quitting your job?

He’d be totally on board with both bc while he “loves” my success / ambition /intelligence, what he actually wants is he sah spouse who will do anything to ensure she keeps the country club membership and vacations she could never afford on her own (I’m being hyperbolic - but he’d have been much better suited for a woman who aspired to be a sah wife and admired him for his earning capabilities). He wants the image of an accomplished wife with the support of a content homemaker

Wow. Sounds terrible. I am so sorry. Third kid will not fix your marriage or his attitude. Staying home with three kids sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be an armchair psychologist for a minute. Indulge me. Is it possible that deep down you really want to be a SAHM, but you're embarrassed by this side of yourself, so you're blaming it on your husband? If you are really so amibitious and love your career, and you both make a lot of money, I feel like you just would've hired help by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does your husband feel about having a third kid? Is he onboard with you quitting your job?

He’d be totally on board with both bc while he “loves” my success / ambition /intelligence, what he actually wants is he sah spouse who will do anything to ensure she keeps the country club membership and vacations she could never afford on her own (I’m being hyperbolic - but he’d have been much better suited for a woman who aspired to be a sah wife and admired him for his earning capabilities). He wants the image of an accomplished wife with the support of a content homemaker

Wow. I wonder if we're ever going to get to the point where we openly discuss this is a large part of why there's a gender pay gap, lack of women CEO's and the like, and teach our daughters accordingly, but I digress.

OP, you don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing 30's if you are thinking a of a third kid. I urge you to think about 10-15 years out, not right now. I think going from working to SAH greatly changes the dynamic in the marriage and frankly how you're perceived by other people. I experienced a period of several years where I was in an administrative role after having a professional career and it did a number on me psychologically. I also think you may come to resent the fact that you off-ramped and your husband didn't keep up his end of the bargain.

I'd tread slowly and carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does your husband feel about having a third kid? Is he onboard with you quitting your job?

He’d be totally on board with both bc while he “loves” my success / ambition /intelligence, what he actually wants is he sah spouse who will do anything to ensure she keeps the country club membership and vacations she could never afford on her own (I’m being hyperbolic - but he’d have been much better suited for a woman who aspired to be a sah wife and admired him for his earning capabilities). He wants the image of an accomplished wife with the support of a content homemaker

Wow. I wonder if we're ever going to get to the point where we openly discuss this is a large part of why there's a gender pay gap, lack of women CEO's and the like, and teach our daughters accordingly, but I digress.

OP, you don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing 30's if you are thinking a of a third kid. I urge you to think about 10-15 years out, not right now. I think going from working to SAH greatly changes the dynamic in the marriage and frankly how you're perceived by other people. I experienced a period of several years where I was in an administrative role after having a professional career and it did a number on me psychologically. I also think you may come to resent the fact that you off-ramped and your husband didn't keep up his end of the bargain.

I'd tread slowly and carefully.

NP here and I totally agree with the bolded. The guys make their wife SAH, which frees up all their mental energy so they can focus on work and only work. Whereas very few women get that, unless they stay single or childless.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? At this point, do nothing. You are not in a frame of mind to think clearly. You are frustrated with your marriage and your job. I suspect the option is going to be C) don’t have a third kid and think of another way to go about your career. It’s OK to be at an impasse. But bringing another child into the world and dissolving your career is going to be a temporary fix for the deeper emotional issues you need to resolve. You need to dig down and find out what is really at the root of all this.

[Anonymous]

Let me just tell you that adding a 3rd child (a baby) to the mix is never the answer. And it definitely doesnt solve problems.

You say your husband us on board with it, but he's never home though (your words "he is a workaholic") so how would he know? He would parent when it is convenient for him and that will be never. Like what he does now, right?

If you go through with this, and I'm surprised you're even considering a 3rd - you boast of yourself as being highly successful, smart, etc - then I guarantee you'll be posting on the Relationship Forum about how Ricky your marriage is and you'll post simultaneously on the Toddler or the ES aged forum about all the behavior problems your kids are having from the fallout from a struggling marriage, career regret, and solo parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I both met at same demanding / high comp job. We agreed we would be equals and each scale back as need demanded. 2 kids in joke is on me and probably surprising to no one, I’ve scaled back a lot and he hasn’t. My career isn’t in total shambles but I’m currently definitely mommy tracked. He’s been very successful (Thanks to both natural talent and his workaholic attitude) and has a lot of financial success. He has all sorts of neuroses and mental health issues that will likely always make him a workaholic so that that as a fixed thing in this context.

I love being a mom. I also love working but resent the handicapped career I currently have.

I’m debating do I want a 3rd kid and just go all in on mom-ing. Pro is its just accepting a path, getting an upside of the personal sacrifices (why not take a tennis lesson on Tuesday! Why not never have to crank at a model at 10pm again!), and aligning the reality to dhs needs

Con is I’m giving up my professional life that is important to me and dad to day accepting all domestic responsibilities (I can outsource as needed but dh would never again feel any need to make accommodations for domestic needs)

The juggling with 2 kids and a job (given dhs job) feels like I’m losing on all fronts. A third kid feels like it justifies throwing in the towel. But it also feels like filling going all in on just being mom and giving up any really professional ambition.

Random context is I made good money on an early startup I worked for so while it’s not crazy money I wouldn’t feel stuck financially with dh ever. Apologies that this feels rambling, I’m particularly frustrated today so having wine and posting here vs picking a fight with dh

I think this is the common song of many competent, successful women, including myself (although not as successful as you). I can completely relate with the feeling that I felt like I was "losing on all fronts" juggling 2 kids and a job and feeling like I was not doing a good job on either side. I can also completely relate with dealing with the realization that DH is just wired to hyper-focus on his job. While he is not a workaholic like yours (he wants to work less, not more), he is able to be extremely good at a very narrow line of skill sets, while with everything else-it is almost as if he is handicapped.

The reason it's so common is
1) a cultural, and societal one
2) timing of our generation within the context of history (specifically in the transition of family roles),
3) it's also reinforced by some significant differences that exist between men and women that while they are not universal and have a whole spectrum of variation, the average differences can not be ignored
4) I think women are still conditioned to choose men who have strengths in those traditional roles rather and are more likely to give leniency in their lack of domestic skills.

I'm not sure if I have any advice, but I can tell you that 4 years in, I am much less stressed out not juggling both, and same for DH. And I cherish my time with my kids, and can actually enjoy it. Not saying it's all rainbows by any means because it can be pretty thankless sometimes. I don't miss working nearly as much as I thought I would, but that is me. I was fearful of letting that part of my identity go - and also the risk I was taking in terms of my career by not working. I'm rethinking what my next steps are as my youngest will be in school full time in 2021.

BTW I have a feeling you may be one of those parents who turn her ambition and drive into parenting your kids as if it was your career, which I think has a huge downside too. "Parenting" didn't even become a word until the 70s and since then it has become a job/competition for most.