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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dh and I both met at same demanding / high comp job. We agreed we would be equals and each scale back as need demanded. 2 kids in joke is on me and probably surprising to no one, I’ve scaled back a lot and he hasn’t. My career isn’t in total shambles but I’m currently definitely mommy tracked. He’s been very successful (Thanks to both natural talent and his workaholic attitude) and has a lot of financial success. He has all sorts of neuroses and mental health issues that will likely always make him a workaholic so that that as a fixed thing in this context.

I love being a mom. I also love working but resent the handicapped career I currently have.

I’m debating do I want a 3rd kid and just go all in on mom-ing. Pro is its just accepting a path, getting an upside of the personal sacrifices (why not take a tennis lesson on Tuesday! Why not never have to crank at a model at 10pm again!), and aligning the reality to dhs needs

Con is I’m giving up my professional life that is important to me and dad to day accepting all domestic responsibilities (I can outsource as needed but dh would never again feel any need to make accommodations for domestic needs)

The juggling with 2 kids and a job (given dhs job) feels like I’m losing on all fronts.  A third kid feels like it justifies throwing in the towel. But it also feels like filling going all in on just being mom and giving up any really professional ambition.

Random context is I made good money on an early startup I worked for so while it’s not crazy money I wouldn’t feel stuck financially with dh ever.  Apologies that this feels rambling, I’m particularly frustrated today so having wine and posting here vs picking a fight with dh[/quote]

I think this is the common song of many competent, successful women, including myself (although not as successful as you).  I can completely relate with the feeling that I felt like I was "losing on all fronts" juggling 2 kids and a job and feeling like I was not doing a good job on either side.  I can also completely relate with dealing with the realization that DH is just wired to hyper-focus on his job.  While he is not a workaholic like yours (he wants to work less, not more), he is able to be extremely good at a very narrow line of skill sets, while with everything else-it is almost as if he is handicapped.

The reason it's so common is 
1) a cultural, and societal one
2) timing of our generation within the context of history (specifically in the transition of family roles),
3) it's also reinforced by some significant differences that exist between men and women that while they are not universal and have a whole spectrum of variation, the average differences can not be ignored
4) I think women are still conditioned to choose men who have strengths in those traditional roles rather and are more likely to give leniency in their lack of domestic skills.

I'm not sure if I have any advice, but I can tell you that 4 years in, I am much less stressed out not juggling both, and same for DH.  And I cherish my time with my kids, and can actually enjoy it.  Not saying it's all rainbows by any means because it can be pretty thankless sometimes.  I don't miss working nearly as much as I thought I would, but that is me.  I was fearful of letting that part of my identity go - and also the risk I was taking in terms of my career by not working.  I'm rethinking what my next steps are as my youngest will be in school full time in 2021.

BTW I have a feeling you may be one of those parents who turn her ambition and drive into parenting your kids as if it was your career, which I think has a huge downside too.  "Parenting" didn't even become a word until the 70s and since then it has become a job/competition for most.

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