When you are a guest, do you ask before helping yourself to food/drink/alcohol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t help myself to anything at anyone’s house as a houseguest. At my parents’ and in laws’ I’m comfortable enough to ask if it’s ok to get a beer or whatever but I still ask instead of just going and looking for stuff. Also, we always bring some drinks and snacks with us to be shared w our hosts in addition to a host gift.

Your FIL was definitely wrong. However, I always put special things I don’t want guests to get into away just in case of a situation like this.

This. It should have been put away in a private place not haphazardly stored in a random cabinet where anyone could get it.

Girl, it was in a cabinet with all the china, farthest corner of our kitchen, couldn't be further from the liquor cabinet and the wine rack. And trust and believe, he knows where the liquor cabinet and the wine rack are. It was stored among china IN A BAG and was freaking engraved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very context-specific question. OP, I think you know that most people wouldn't just help themselves in someone else's house... so what happened?

OP here. Thanks for the posts, all. I'm trying to get a sense of whether my instinct and reaction here is normal, or not.

My ILs stayed with us for several days. We took them out to dinner, made a huge holiday meal, provided food and drink in our home, offered alcohol at cocktail hour every night and wine with dinner. Could not have been more generous, stocking all their favorite foods and beverages.

On the last night, I find that FIL has rooted around in our cupboards and found a very expensive bottle of scotch that I received from my boss as not only a holiday gift, but also a congratulations on a huge project closing gift. Multiple hundred dollar bottle, engraved. It was not kept in our liquor cabinet, but in another cabinet. He has opened it and is pouring for himself and his wife, without asking. Without even waiting for me to be around.

I was horrified and let him know that it was a gift and that I didn't appreciate him taking some without asking. He got very defensive and told me the whole time it's been a family visit and help yourself. Anyway, I let it go, but I am still furious.

Yeah, he was in the wrong. Alcohol, liquor specifically, is a different story even with close family because it can be expensive. I would certainly help myself to a beer from my in-laws refrigerator, but I would never drink their liquor without asking first. Hell, I wouldn't even open a bottle of wine without asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve posted this story before. What were the answers then?

I remember that. It was a long time ago so she must still be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t help myself to anything at anyone’s house as a houseguest. At my parents’ and in laws’ I’m comfortable enough to ask if it’s ok to get a beer or whatever but I still ask instead of just going and looking for stuff. Also, we always bring some drinks and snacks with us to be shared w our hosts in addition to a host gift.

Your FIL was definitely wrong. However, I always put special things I don’t want guests to get into away just in case of a situation like this.

This. It should have been put away in a private place not haphazardly stored in a random cabinet where anyone could get it.

Girl, it was in a cabinet with all the china, farthest corner of our kitchen, couldn't be further from the liquor cabinet and the wine rack. And trust and believe, he knows where the liquor cabinet and the wine rack are. It was stored among china IN A BAG and was freaking engraved.

Sounds like your husband told him about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t help myself to anything at anyone’s house as a houseguest. At my parents’ and in laws’ I’m comfortable enough to ask if it’s ok to get a beer or whatever but I still ask instead of just going and looking for stuff. Also, we always bring some drinks and snacks with us to be shared w our hosts in addition to a host gift.

Your FIL was definitely wrong. However, I always put special things I don’t want guests to get into away just in case of a situation like this.

This. It should have been put away in a private place not haphazardly stored in a random cabinet where anyone could get it.

Girl, it was in a cabinet with all the china, farthest corner of our kitchen, couldn't be further from the liquor cabinet and the wine rack. And trust and believe, he knows where the liquor cabinet and the wine rack are. It was stored among china IN A BAG and was freaking engraved.

Sounds like your husband told him about it.

And it sounds like it was in an easily accessible spot. Still your fault, OP. Be more careful with your belongings if you don't want others using them.

[Anonymous]

FIL should buy a new bottle. For sure.

OP, is FIL an alcoholic? I only see one rooting around for hard liquor in a china cabinet - looking for a fix. So weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very context-specific question. OP, I think you know that most people wouldn't just help themselves in someone else's house... so what happened?

OP here. Thanks for the posts, all. I'm trying to get a sense of whether my instinct and reaction here is normal, or not.

My ILs stayed with us for several days. We took them out to dinner, made a huge holiday meal, provided food and drink in our home, offered alcohol at cocktail hour every night and wine with dinner. Could not have been more generous, stocking all their favorite foods and beverages.

On the last night, I find that FIL has rooted around in our cupboards and found a very expensive bottle of scotch that I received from my boss as not only a holiday gift, but also a congratulations on a huge project closing gift. Multiple hundred dollar bottle, engraved. It was not kept in our liquor cabinet, but in another cabinet. He has opened it and is pouring for himself and his wife, without asking. Without even waiting for me to be around.

I was horrified and let him know that it was a gift and that I didn't appreciate him taking some without asking. He got very defensive and told me the whole time it's been a family visit and help yourself. Anyway, I let it go, but I am still furious.

I'm sorry to say it but to me it sounds like your FIL was just following the protocols already in place. Your "rooted around" probably was him looking for something and it certainly doesn't sound like he had an ill intent. You're not going to like this but given everything else you've described I think you owe him a big apology for being mad. How was he to know that this one thing was off limits???

Oh hell no! Helping yourself to a bottle of beer or a snack is one thing, opening a sealed bottle of extremely expensive alcohol is beyond the pale. He knows he’s in the wrong, and that’s why he’s defensive. He should be the one apologizing.

How would he know it was expensive? I wouldn't know just by looking at a bottle. I would have no idea. If OP had previously given the directive (or even passively allowed) free range than anything in a public area should be open to use. This sounds like OP's error in not clearly defining what was and was not acceptable to be used. And then OP compounded the mistake by losing his/her stuff. OP owes the FIL an apology and OP needs to take better care of his/her things in the future, especially when visitors are in the house and OP is letting them use things at will.

If you don’t know if something is expensive or not, you should err on the side of caution rather than blithely helping yourself to things that aren’t yours. Ignorance is no excuse. Or you know, ASK YOUR HOST. You sound like someone who believes in asking forgiveness rather than permission. That’s not cute.

[Anonymous]

If I’m sleeping at your house we are very close to begin with so I help myself.

If it’s like a dinner party or game night at someone I don’t know very well, then I ask.

[Anonymous]

Completely depends on whose house and how long I am there for.

Parents - I eat what I want!
Sisters - pretty much eat what I want but will check on some items - always would check before opening wine
Friends - if I am just there for a brief visit, I ask. Once a couple days have passed, I pretty much hep myself. By then I have a sense of it.
Anywhere else- I will ask if I am not sure but help myself to basic things (fruit, a drink, breakfast food etc)