When you are a guest, do you ask before helping yourself to food/drink/alcohol?

[Anonymous]

I find this question sort of odd, actually. It usually seems pretty obvious to me?

Our parents: help ourselves- unless something unusual. These are the homes we grew up in. They’d be offended if we didn’t.

Close family/friends: help ourselves if it is out (a tub of drinks on ice for example), generally comfortable asking if we need something- especially for the kids. Usually we are told to help ourselves right away anyway.

The rest: wait until offered unless a large party and things are clearly set out for the party guests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very context-specific question. OP, I think you know that most people wouldn't just help themselves in someone else's house... so what happened?

OP here. Thanks for the posts, all. I'm trying to get a sense of whether my instinct and reaction here is normal, or not.

My ILs stayed with us for several days. We took them out to dinner, made a huge holiday meal, provided food and drink in our home, offered alcohol at cocktail hour every night and wine with dinner. Could not have been more generous, stocking all their favorite foods and beverages.

On the last night, I find that FIL has rooted around in our cupboards and found a very expensive bottle of scotch that I received from my boss as not only a holiday gift, but also a congratulations on a huge project closing gift. Multiple hundred dollar bottle, engraved. It was not kept in our liquor cabinet, but in another cabinet. He has opened it and is pouring for himself and his wife, without asking. Without even waiting for me to be around.

I was horrified and let him know that it was a gift and that I didn't appreciate him taking some without asking. He got very defensive and told me the whole time it's been a family visit and help yourself. Anyway, I let it go, but I am still furious.

[Anonymous]

Your FIL sounds clueless.

But if you have set a precedent that your in laws should help themselves, it’s really on you to remove special stuff that you don’t want them to access.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, that is really weird. I find liquor is the one area that folks generally wait to be served via the host. Beer is usually fair game as are opened bottles of wine. But liquor - even the stuff kept on the bar cart or the like, is 99% of the time left to the discretion of the host. Your FIL sounds strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL sounds clueless.

But if you have set a precedent that your in laws should help themselves, it’s really on you to remove special stuff that you don’t want them to access.

Please. She should not have to. This is extreme outlier behavior, and you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very context-specific question. OP, I think you know that most people wouldn't just help themselves in someone else's house... so what happened?

OP here. Thanks for the posts, all. I'm trying to get a sense of whether my instinct and reaction here is normal, or not.

My ILs stayed with us for several days. We took them out to dinner, made a huge holiday meal, provided food and drink in our home, offered alcohol at cocktail hour every night and wine with dinner. Could not have been more generous, stocking all their favorite foods and beverages.

On the last night, I find that FIL has rooted around in our cupboards and found a very expensive bottle of scotch that I received from my boss as not only a holiday gift, but also a congratulations on a huge project closing gift. Multiple hundred dollar bottle, engraved. It was not kept in our liquor cabinet, but in another cabinet. He has opened it and is pouring for himself and his wife, without asking. Without even waiting for me to be around.

I was horrified and let him know that it was a gift and that I didn't appreciate him taking some without asking. He got very defensive and told me the whole time it's been a family visit and help yourself. Anyway, I let it go, but I am still furious.

I'm sorry to say it but to me it sounds like your FIL was just following the protocols already in place. Your "rooted around" probably was him looking for something and it certainly doesn't sound like he had an ill intent. You're not going to like this but given everything else you've described I think you owe him a big apology for being mad. How was he to know that this one thing was off limits???

[Anonymous]

OP, you’ve posted this story before. What were the answers then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very context-specific question. OP, I think you know that most people wouldn't just help themselves in someone else's house... so what happened?

OP here. Thanks for the posts, all. I'm trying to get a sense of whether my instinct and reaction here is normal, or not.

My ILs stayed with us for several days. We took them out to dinner, made a huge holiday meal, provided food and drink in our home, offered alcohol at cocktail hour every night and wine with dinner. Could not have been more generous, stocking all their favorite foods and beverages.

On the last night, I find that FIL has rooted around in our cupboards and found a very expensive bottle of scotch that I received from my boss as not only a holiday gift, but also a congratulations on a huge project closing gift. Multiple hundred dollar bottle, engraved. It was not kept in our liquor cabinet, but in another cabinet. He has opened it and is pouring for himself and his wife, without asking. Without even waiting for me to be around.

I was horrified and let him know that it was a gift and that I didn't appreciate him taking some without asking. He got very defensive and told me the whole time it's been a family visit and help yourself. Anyway, I let it go, but I am still furious.

I'm sorry to say it but to me it sounds like your FIL was just following the protocols already in place. Your "rooted around" probably was him looking for something and it certainly doesn't sound like he had an ill intent. You're not going to like this but given everything else you've described I think you owe him a big apology for being mad. How was he to know that this one thing was off limits???

Oh hell no! Helping yourself to a bottle of beer or a snack is one thing, opening a sealed bottle of extremely expensive alcohol is beyond the pale. He knows he’s in the wrong, and that’s why he’s defensive. He should be the one apologizing.

[Anonymous]

Depends on where I am. At parents, siblings, or very good friends? No. Everyone else? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve posted this story before. What were the answers then?

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Of course.

[Anonymous]

I don’t help myself to anything at anyone’s house as a houseguest. At my parents’ and in laws’ I’m comfortable enough to ask if it’s ok to get a beer or whatever but I still ask instead of just going and looking for stuff. Also, we always bring some drinks and snacks with us to be shared w our hosts in addition to a host gift.

Your FIL was definitely wrong. However, I always put special things I don’t want guests to get into away just in case of a situation like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very context-specific question. OP, I think you know that most people wouldn't just help themselves in someone else's house... so what happened?

OP here. Thanks for the posts, all. I'm trying to get a sense of whether my instinct and reaction here is normal, or not.

My ILs stayed with us for several days. We took them out to dinner, made a huge holiday meal, provided food and drink in our home, offered alcohol at cocktail hour every night and wine with dinner. Could not have been more generous, stocking all their favorite foods and beverages.

On the last night, I find that FIL has rooted around in our cupboards and found a very expensive bottle of scotch that I received from my boss as not only a holiday gift, but also a congratulations on a huge project closing gift. Multiple hundred dollar bottle, engraved. It was not kept in our liquor cabinet, but in another cabinet. He has opened it and is pouring for himself and his wife, without asking. Without even waiting for me to be around.

I was horrified and let him know that it was a gift and that I didn't appreciate him taking some without asking. He got very defensive and told me the whole time it's been a family visit and help yourself. Anyway, I let it go, but I am still furious.

I'm sorry to say it but to me it sounds like your FIL was just following the protocols already in place. Your "rooted around" probably was him looking for something and it certainly doesn't sound like he had an ill intent. You're not going to like this but given everything else you've described I think you owe him a big apology for being mad. How was he to know that this one thing was off limits???

Oh hell no! Helping yourself to a bottle of beer or a snack is one thing, opening a sealed bottle of extremely expensive alcohol is beyond the pale. He knows he’s in the wrong, and that’s why he’s defensive. He should be the one apologizing.

How would he know it was expensive? I wouldn't know just by looking at a bottle. I would have no idea. If OP had previously given the directive (or even passively allowed) free range than anything in a public area should be open to use. This sounds like OP's error in not clearly defining what was and was not acceptable to be used. And then OP compounded the mistake by losing his/her stuff. OP owes the FIL an apology and OP needs to take better care of his/her things in the future, especially when visitors are in the house and OP is letting them use things at will.

[Anonymous]

at my husbands parents’ house, the only thing I would ask about is wine (or food that I thought might be designated for dinner prep).

Everyone else I have stayed with in recent years are people who keep virtually no food in the house so there was nothing to help myself to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t help myself to anything at anyone’s house as a houseguest. At my parents’ and in laws’ I’m comfortable enough to ask if it’s ok to get a beer or whatever but I still ask instead of just going and looking for stuff. Also, we always bring some drinks and snacks with us to be shared w our hosts in addition to a host gift.

Your FIL was definitely wrong. However, I always put special things I don’t want guests to get into away just in case of a situation like this.

This. It should have been put away in a private place not haphazardly stored in a random cabinet where anyone could get it.