I feel like wife overdramatizes party planning and I resent the extra $

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world is she throwing a huge party for the third one year olds birthday?

Have only family members or a few friends and a cake with drinks at home. No need for venue or party planning other than calculating amount of cake and drinks and maybe some nuts for people who don't eat cake. Leave all the winter Christmas decorations up for the party. The kid is one, this party is only for the parent.

OP here. Just to take this issue off the table we both want a similarly sized 1st bday for our kid. Its cultural in my family and its an important tradition to both of us.

Well if it's an important tradition for both of you, why are you kvetching over an additional $400? Sounds like you want as nice event as much as she does, so pay for it!

[Anonymous]

OP, I host a lot and a 40 person party, big Christmas and big party is a lot for essentially 2 months.

My DH always says “don’t worry about the house” but he doesn’t realize how much basic stuff I do just to maintain the status quo. We both work, 2 kids, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and a farm full of other critters and it is a lot of work just keeping the house looking decent.

I don’t mind the parties, but they are a TON of work. He recently had people over when I was out of town and realized how difficult it is. He basically kept them in the one area he managed to clean....and it was in fact stressful for him to “let the rest of it go”!

[Anonymous]

OP you need to do what your wife says here. Per your own description, you can't be counted on to fully participate in party prep (you couldn't take time off work to help fully in Thanksgiving) so she rightfully believes that you won't do so for the birthday party either. And, since she IS the one bearing the brunt of party planning and prep, you need to BELIEVE HER when she says that the venue will be less work for her.

Is she being completely rational, beyond a reasonable doubt, that this is the best way? No. Reasonable minds can differ. But you're not arguing your case in a court of law - you're supporting your wife, who does the brunt of the household labor, including party planning and childcare. Do it her way, and be happy that she is taking the lead in giving YOUR child the party that YOUR family expects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I host a lot and a 40 person party, big Christmas and big party is a lot for essentially 2 months.

My DH always says “don’t worry about the house” but he doesn’t realize how much basic stuff I do just to maintain the status quo. We both work, 2 kids, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and a farm full of other critters and it is a lot of work just keeping the house looking decent.

I don’t mind the parties, but they are a TON of work. He recently had people over when I was out of town and realized how difficult it is. He basically kept them in the one area he managed to clean....and it was in fact stressful for him to “let the rest of it go”!

Classic man/DH line. "Don't worry about the house" because they don't SEE the work that goes into making the house look decent for a party. To their eye, the housing looking decent for a party "just happens" ... because the DW does it. I'm not even talking serious decorating, just the basics of cleaning, decluttering, and a little decorating.

[Anonymous]

No one is required to listen to someone complain about work they have brought on themselves.

[Anonymous]

do you belong to a religion that only celebrates the first birthday?

Also, I think you are wrong. You have no idea how stressful hosting 40 people is and it sounds like you did little to help plan or cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You say you rarely have disagreements, but it seems to me that you have very little sympathy for her, and possibly think she's a liar? She's telling you she's at her limit and cannot handle doing this again at the house, and your reaction is to basically roll your eyes and call her dramatic. Why not take her at her word? She's telling you very clearly that she does not want to do this and it's very stressful for her, and she's bringing you a solution at the same time. Seems to me that's the gold standard for communication in a marriage.

Op here. This is a good point. I am not trying to be a dick. Ok, venue it is. Thanks all

New poster here. Thanks for the update OP. I too have a cold weather birthdays and longingly wished we could have done birthdays in the park and rent a pavilion like the May birthdays or the backyard parties like the September birthdays. Short of just our parents and siblings (without any kids) for cupcakes and lunch, we’ve done all the birthday parties at venues because it is easier on us. If the money is a concern you can always look for and plan a less expensive venue to host the gathering but given we are in December already the prime time/places might already be booked For January.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the heck - a one year old's party?

How about you find a Chuckie Cheese or something similar and just do that for a core group of family/kids. It would be less than the $400 you plan to spend just to rent an empty hall.

Since when do kids' birthday parties have to be "EVENTS" needing this kind of focus and financing?

As a person who just hosted a Chuck e. Cheese pArty, you're wrong about it being less expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had thanksgiving at our house, about 40 people. It went well but my wife was really stressed that whole week. I helped the entire Thursday and Friday (the event itself, clean up, take down) but my work schedule didn't let me do a lot of the set up, table prep, meal prep, etc. Our kids are still relatively young (6,3, 10 mo) and she works part time but it really was a lot on her. For our youngest firsts birthday she wants to rent a venue. It will add about 400 dollars to the budget. I just think that's crazy for a 1st bday and we have had all the other kids bday parties at the house just fine. She says she's "at her limit" and since it's a January bday Christmas will have "her nerves shot." I think venues are harder because we have to lug all our food and drinks there, then decorate, then have the party, clean up, drive home, etc. She says its worth it not to have her house completely trashed for days with prep, actual event and the clean up. I feel like it's unfair to all the sudden have the last kids party "upgraded" and she thinks "she's 1 and has no freaking idea." We very rarely have disagreements and I have been thinking about it for days. I think a good compromise is I take off the Friday before the party and really help with the prep stuff. She isn't budging. DCUM what's your opinion?

Thank you OP, you just made me appreciate my low-maintenance girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Compromise and hire a planner who comes to set up and take down party stuff at your house.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't really matter if you have it at the venue or your house, you will still be decorating, cleaning and setting up each place. The venue may require more decorations to make it look nice.

It will still be a ton of work and organising for the venue. Not only cooking and prepping but getting the food and drinks transported as well unless the venue has a kitchen.

If her nerves are shot, I would get the venue and then get it catered as well.

[Anonymous]

I am a DW who also entertains on a large scale and things have to be perfect. This means that it takes days of prep because I also cook elaborate dinners with many courses for 30-40 people at least a few times a year. I always threw epic parties for my kids at home (I could be a party planner) but there have been some years when it was not something that I could handle so I did venue parties and tried to jazz it up with some small touches. If you can afford it, go for the venue party because it is standardized and geared towards kids enjoying themselves.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, op, you’re insane. The woman hosted 40 people for Thanksgiving, with three little kids including a baby at home, and you want her to host again at the house in January? Seriously, op, if you were my husband you’d be sleeping in the car tonight. You’re being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take the lead on hosting a larger event, where she just needs to play a smaller supporting role.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she does all the planning, I am absolutely team wife. And unless the childcare you all have is full time, it doesn't help that she works part time. You have three small kids! My husband 'helps' with getting ready for parties/dinner, meaning he'll do what I ask him to do. But he expends zero mental energy on it, no planning time, etc. Clearly you have no experience with that role, either, so you really don't understand how much is riding on your wife. $400 is a bargain for her not to stress out for weeks over what should be fun, family events.

Ditto, and I would bet it's this way w/ most men. It's so odd that most CEOs are men, but they can't do a simple damn thing around the house w/o being managed or told what to do.

I’ve often wondered this. My dh has literally hundreds of people under him at work, but Christmas wouldn’t exist at our house if I didn’t do the whole thing. It’s like pp said, they’ll do what they’re told, but none of the planning or mental load for it. And don’t seem to appreciate that the mental load is the hard part.