Sources for explaining negative consequences of early sexual activity to a teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she had the privacy to kiss a boy at 12, she’ll have the privacy for other stuff. She can be super smart and well-meaning, but if the opportunity to progress is available on a regular basis, it probably will, because hormones. She needs to be kept busy, be sure if she’s at a friend’s house there’s real adult supervision, etc. The time between school lets out and when parents get home especially. Good time to suggest she take that art class after school or join a sport. She should see the boy at school or in groups where there’s not going to be opportunities for alone time.

This. I know I will get flamed for this but your child needs more supervision, OP. And you need to do a better job keeping her busy. She should not have had the opportunity to be kissing a boy.

- A Middle School Teacher

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?

OP, you're talking about a 12 year old. You don't have to "sway" her at all. The answer is no; she is too young to be dating and kissing boys. Be a parent and cut this out now.

You cannot prevent her from kissing boys and calling whatever relationship they have “dating.”

OH, yes, you can. And I would.

This depends. At almost any school, public or private, they can probably find a way to “date” which could translate to texting, notes, eating lunch together, sitting together in class and finding a spot by a locker for a quick kiss. We were all in middle school and high school and know this. Unless you Dugger it, “dating” and the occasional kiss might happen.

You can certainly chaperone all contact outside of school though. And. Kid who says she is at Larla’s house and finds a way to sneak out to be with Larlo is a kid who is not responsible enough to hang out with friends outside your home.

Set the expectation now that boys spend time with your whole family. Keep it going through high school.

You also say “unfortunately” she’s popular (humblebrag). Will she still be popular without an iPhone, the latest clothing fad or the ability to socialize and hang out with her with her friends? She may hate you if you pull these things. But not as much as she would hate herpes.

There’s no way you could steal a quick kiss at our middle school. We go to a private- there are teachers everywhere. Plus, the kids talk and the teachers hear the gossip even if they don’t see something. Kissing at school would result in suspension or at least a meeting with then principal. Most kids, even my non-nerdy not afraid of trouble, wouldn’t risk that at school.

You live in a bubble. Absolutely this can happen anywhere. How do you think the Duggar's have so many babies so early? LOL....

No, I am a different poster and I teach at a large public middle school. There is no way 2 kids can kiss at our school and we don't see it. We have too many teachers walking around and we are hyper-vigilant about it. If we think something is brewing we pull the kids, call parents, sign the kids up for mandatory after-school programs with constant supervision, and put each child into "group," a different one for each child, aimed at preventing precocious behavior in tweens and teens.

Perhaps at other schools the teachers and staff aren't as active but I agree with the ^^PP that when we see the beginnings of precocious behavior we move really fast to break it up. Price of the school has nothing to do with it. Because we are so swift to move AND because we talk about it a lot, most kids won't risk the behavior.

[Anonymous]

I was “going out” with a boy at 12 and waited through many interested boys to have sex (and everything else beyond a kiss) with my boyfriend at 17. We were together for our senior year. It was a healthy start to a good sex life. Only thing I would change is how much energy I spent liking boys instead of chasing other dreams. I’d support her interests and female friendships and of course have a bunch of talks with her.

[Anonymous]

Teach her about STDs and birth control, take her to the doctor and tell her you think she’s too young for sexual activity because you’re worried she might be bullied or teased or become confused and unhappy and you think it would be better to wait until she is older and more mature.

[Anonymous]

She's 12! Tell here that when you have a baby you will poop on the table in front of a room full of people. That outta take care of it.

[Anonymous]

oughta

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 12! Tell here that when you have a baby you will poop on the table in front of a room full of people. That outta take care of it.

LOL! Good point.

[Anonymous]

My 13 yo has a "boyfriend". They walk together in the halls and to the bus after school. They text a lot...it's pretty benign (my kids know we do random checks of their phones). We don't allow her to date and they have no contact outside of school. DD and I have discussed sex, teen pregnancy, STIs, etc. And, in FCPS at least, if you don't think your 12/13 yo kid hasn't been exposed to those issues already you're living in a bubble because they've covered at least some of it in FLE. Even if you opt your kid out, they'll hear about it, because their friends who are in the class are discussing it at the lunch table and on the bus and via text. It's absolutely something parents should be bringing up by the time their kids are this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you want science OP. But science says otherwise. A 12 year olds lack of prefrontal cortex development makes them terrible at understanding the concept of long term consequences.

A few thoughts.

First, I am pretty conservative about kids and sex. But it sounds like overkill if it’s just a kiss with another 12 year old— and they told you about it. If you are being realistic, very few people ruin their life by kissing at boy when they are 12. If you hit the panic button, your kid just won’t talk to you later.

Second, peers, peers, peers. It’s why religious fear mongering (which I disagree with) works. One of the best things you can do to keep your kid from making stupid decisions is to encourage them to be friends with kids who aren’t making stupid decisions. Stupid decisions are contagious in teens. If “everyone else is doing it” it’s hard to stop your kid. Nerdy kids with sensible parents who enforce limits and have values make awesome teenage peers.

And third, I have gotten far with concrete life examples. And pointing them out occasionally as they come up in life. “Did you hear about the kid who got into Harvard and were rescinded for racist memes? The internet is forever.” “Wow. That poor girl. She was dreaming of being a doctor and now she is going to have to get a GED and work at a dead end job while taking care of a baby.” It’s more concrete for a tween than abstract, longitudinal research.

I get what effect you're going for, but you know this isn't necessarily true, right? Especially if that kid has a good support system?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?

OP, you're talking about a 12 year old. You don't have to "sway" her at all. The answer is no; she is too young to be dating and kissing boys. Be a parent and cut this out now.

You cannot prevent her from kissing boys and calling whatever relationship they have “dating.”

OH, yes, you can. And I would.

This depends. At almost any school, public or private, they can probably find a way to “date” which could translate to texting, notes, eating lunch together, sitting together in class and finding a spot by a locker for a quick kiss. We were all in middle school and high school and know this. Unless you Dugger it, “dating” and the occasional kiss might happen.

You can certainly chaperone all contact outside of school though. And. Kid who says she is at Larla’s house and finds a way to sneak out to be with Larlo is a kid who is not responsible enough to hang out with friends outside your home.

Set the expectation now that boys spend time with your whole family. Keep it going through high school.

You also say “unfortunately” she’s popular (humblebrag). Will she still be popular without an iPhone, the latest clothing fad or the ability to socialize and hang out with her with her friends? She may hate you if you pull these things. But not as much as she would hate herpes.

There’s no way you could steal a quick kiss at our middle school. We go to a private- there are teachers everywhere. Plus, the kids talk and the teachers hear the gossip even if they don’t see something. Kissing at school would result in suspension or at least a meeting with then principal. Most kids, even my non-nerdy not afraid of trouble, wouldn’t risk that at school.

Whatever you need to tell yourself to justify the price tag.

Your kids have never gone to private school, have they? Yes, sex can and does happen with private school kids. However, the kids are a lot more supervised and the administrators have a good handle of what’s going on with whom. There aren’t many secrets.

I’m a therapist to a number of private school teens. These kids may be supervised at school -as they should be. But please know that there are patty’s a homes where parents buy alcohol for the party and then leave them alone. One told me she was so drunk she couldn’t manage herself. Eventually cried to have her mom pick her up. This was after she was outside laying down w a male classmate and later was making out in a closet w a female classmate. They only stopped cause someone came in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?

OP, you're talking about a 12 year old. You don't have to "sway" her at all. The answer is no; she is too young to be dating and kissing boys. Be a parent and cut this out now.

You cannot prevent her from kissing boys and calling whatever relationship they have “dating.”

OH, yes, you can. And I would.

This depends. At almost any school, public or private, they can probably find a way to “date” which could translate to texting, notes, eating lunch together, sitting together in class and finding a spot by a locker for a quick kiss. We were all in middle school and high school and know this. Unless you Dugger it, “dating” and the occasional kiss might happen.

You can certainly chaperone all contact outside of school though. And. Kid who says she is at Larla’s house and finds a way to sneak out to be with Larlo is a kid who is not responsible enough to hang out with friends outside your home.

Set the expectation now that boys spend time with your whole family. Keep it going through high school.

You also say “unfortunately” she’s popular (humblebrag). Will she still be popular without an iPhone, the latest clothing fad or the ability to socialize and hang out with her with her friends? She may hate you if you pull these things. But not as much as she would hate herpes.

.

I agree with all of this but I don’t know that I would keep it going through high school, to the extent that there are no outings without family present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 12 year old DD who is very interested in a boy and they have kissed. I want to find her non-wacky (i.e., non-political), scientific sources that lays out for her why it is best to wait on this. She is the kind of kid to be swayed by facts and research. Can anyone help with something well written on this topic?

OP, you're talking about a 12 year old. You don't have to "sway" her at all. The answer is no; she is too young to be dating and kissing boys. Be a parent and cut this out now.

You cannot prevent her from kissing boys and calling whatever relationship they have “dating.”

OH, yes, you can. And I would.

DP. How would you do that? She's not with you 24/7. They are at school together and can sign up for the same after school activities. You can most certainly get her to say she isn't kissing the boy and they aren't dating anymore, though. I don't want my 12 year old dating and we have a no dating rule, but I'm not deluded enough to think I can make her do anything when I'm not with her every waking hour. I've found with my older DC that pointing out how badly a friend felt after a break up, how so few people end up marrying someone from high school, etc. and having open conversations have worked well.

[Anonymous]

You need to monitor phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK - just talk. Consent, birth control, STDs, gossip, sharing on phone, nude pics, etc - talk all the time.

At 12??? No.

Yes at 12. You don't have to be explicit, but you absolutely should talk about those things.

[Anonymous]

My DD has told me about her friend (12) who is "dating" and kissed her "boyfriend" on the bus on the way home from school (in front of other kids). This same friend was prohibited from going to the school dance because her parents found texts with a different boy (her then-"boyfriend"). She is not allowed to date.

From what I can see, parents' actions are simply driving the girl to be secretive and go faster than she might otherwise. It was the girl who kissed the boy.