Music--How do you monitor?

[Anonymous]

Have you listened to the words of some of the songs from Grease? LOL. This album was given to me by a goes-to-mass-everyday, ultra conservative family member.

Point is: it's everywhere. S/he is going to hear it. It's only music.

The stuff I listened to as a teen probably made my parents cringe. But, I'll give them props for this: they didn't censor it. And even listening to it, I didn't go out and do the things I heard in those songs. Because, they are just songs. They were windows into how other folks lived and that's partially why I listened. That didn't mean I did what I was hearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Agree with the above. But when you have a child saturating themselves with one particular kind of super explicit music, you’ve discussed it with an open mind repeatedly, and kiddo is repeating the language...what do you do? A logical consequence is to place limits on the music. Yes, I’m sure his friends use this language...but surely you can’t dismiss that this huge exposure has something to do with it.

The logical consequence is to discipline him for the language he uses around you. You can’t keep him from listening to music he likes, though you, of course, should share your values and opinions. But you have every right to expect that your household remain free of explicit language. How he speaks with his own peer group (code switching) is his choice.

The term logical consequence refers to the discipline itself. Not the decision to apply discipline. In this case, if I believe my child is repeating language he or she is hearing from explicit lyrics, then loss of the privilege is the "logical" consequence of repeating the bad language that's been heard. Logical means it's related to the bad behavior that's being corrected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed - and show him the news about Gina Rodriguez if you want to help show that for some songs, the lyrics aren't appropriate for use outside of that specific context (https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/10/15/20916272/gina-rodriguez-n-word-apology-backlash-history) Love that so many folks here suggest not censoring, but speaking about it. Tipper's way is not what you want.

OP here. Agree with the above. But when you have a child saturating themselves with one particular kind of super explicit music, you’ve discussed it with an open mind repeatedly, and kiddo is repeating the language...what do you do? A logical consequence is to place limits on the music. Yes, I’m sure his friends use this language...but surely you can’t dismiss that this huge exposure has something to do with it.

This article is interesting:

https://www.scarymommy.com/dont-censor-music-kids/

I think scary mommy is really missing the point with some of the music. We’re not talking about Sir Mixalot here. We’re taking about explicit degradation of women and related topics, words.

OP, I think your issue is with the saturation and effect you see it having on your kid, which is not necessarily true of lots of kids who listen to explicit songs. If you've talked to your kid and gotten nowhere, then you have to escalate. You say you've "discussed it with an open mind repeatedly." Maybe it's time to discuss it with a strong point of view and confidence in your family's values. You are allowed to have an opinion, even a strong opinion, and express that to your child, along with some rules such as no cursing in the house and no listening to X, Y, Z in your presence or even in his own room on repeat or whatever. I think you need to not discuss with an open mind trying to persuade your child, but let your child see how deeply and strongly you feel about this. That is what religious mom did, and while I would not necessarily do it for the same music or reasons religious mom did, there is definitely a point at which I would do it. These are our family values, and while you are living here you cannot use language or expose me to music that deeply offends me and is anathema to my values. It's not a kind or loving way to treat a family member, and it's not acceptable in this house.

This is excellent guidance.

OP here. Totally agree. That was a great post. I have done this, and it hasn't worked unfortunately. That's why I am where I am right now. It stinks. Also, I really don't think so of you posters have heard the kind of music I'm referring to. Lol. I say that kindly. But, pretty sure the grease soundtrack, which I've heard millions of times, doesn't include references to anal rape and stuff of that magnitude. Make sure you really are aware of what you're kiddos are listening to.

[Anonymous]

Please excuse the bad grammar and spelling above. Exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed - and show him the news about Gina Rodriguez if you want to help show that for some songs, the lyrics aren't appropriate for use outside of that specific context (https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/10/15/20916272/gina-rodriguez-n-word-apology-backlash-history) Love that so many folks here suggest not censoring, but speaking about it. Tipper's way is not what you want.

OP here. Agree with the above. But when you have a child saturating themselves with one particular kind of super explicit music, you’ve discussed it with an open mind repeatedly, and kiddo is repeating the language...what do you do? A logical consequence is to place limits on the music. Yes, I’m sure his friends use this language...but surely you can’t dismiss that this huge exposure has something to do with it.

This article is interesting:

https://www.scarymommy.com/dont-censor-music-kids/

I think scary mommy is really missing the point with some of the music. We’re not talking about Sir Mixalot here. We’re taking about explicit degradation of women and related topics, words.

OP, I think your issue is with the saturation and effect you see it having on your kid, which is not necessarily true of lots of kids who listen to explicit songs. If you've talked to your kid and gotten nowhere, then you have to escalate. You say you've "discussed it with an open mind repeatedly." Maybe it's time to discuss it with a strong point of view and confidence in your family's values. You are allowed to have an opinion, even a strong opinion, and express that to your child, along with some rules such as no cursing in the house and no listening to X, Y, Z in your presence or even in his own room on repeat or whatever. I think you need to not discuss with an open mind trying to persuade your child, but let your child see how deeply and strongly you feel about this. That is what religious mom did, and while I would not necessarily do it for the same music or reasons religious mom did, there is definitely a point at which I would do it. These are our family values, and while you are living here you cannot use language or expose me to music that deeply offends me and is anathema to my values. It's not a kind or loving way to treat a family member, and it's not acceptable in this house.

This is excellent guidance.

OP here. Totally agree. That was a great post. I have done this, and it hasn't worked unfortunately. That's why I am where I am right now. It stinks. Also, I really don't think so of you posters have heard the kind of music I'm referring to. Lol. I say that kindly. But, pretty sure the grease soundtrack, which I've heard millions of times, doesn't include references to anal rape and stuff of that magnitude. Make sure you really are aware of what you're kiddos are listening to.

I think when you start trying to censor music, you’re really opening a huge can of worms. For my children, if I wanted to be sure they’re not sneaking and listening to music, I’d have to take away all listening devices. No phone, laptop, iPad, earbuds, headphones, tv, or echo. Are you willing to enforce that? It seems like it’s going to become a battle of wills. Are you ready to move from the discussions you’re describing above to making rules about what to listen to and enforce those rules? How will you know if they’re followed? What will you do if the behavior doesn’t change?

I think I’d probably have one final discussion (if I felt the problem is as severe you’re saying, not just an annoyance) and say I tried to guide and model our family values, but his language and attitude have become worse than I can tolerate. I’d explain that I feel the music is influencing his choices, but they’re still his choices to use that language or behave poorly. If he can continue listening to the music and stop the bad behavior, he can continue to listen to it. However, if he can’t change on his own, I’ll help him however I see fit, which includes limiting his music choices. If I don’t trust him to comply with the limits I set, I’ll have to limit access to devices. If he’s bored without electronics, I’ll help him fill his time constructively. This could include physical activity, reading more, chores, starting a new series we can watch together, etc. depending on what I feel is needed. I’d lay it all out, so he can see where it’s headed and choose which path he wants to go down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed - and show him the news about Gina Rodriguez if you want to help show that for some songs, the lyrics aren't appropriate for use outside of that specific context (https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/10/15/20916272/gina-rodriguez-n-word-apology-backlash-history) Love that so many folks here suggest not censoring, but speaking about it. Tipper's way is not what you want.

OP here. Agree with the above. But when you have a child saturating themselves with one particular kind of super explicit music, you’ve discussed it with an open mind repeatedly, and kiddo is repeating the language...what do you do? A logical consequence is to place limits on the music. Yes, I’m sure his friends use this language...but surely you can’t dismiss that this huge exposure has something to do with it.

This article is interesting:

https://www.scarymommy.com/dont-censor-music-kids/

I think scary mommy is really missing the point with some of the music. We’re not talking about Sir Mixalot here. We’re taking about explicit degradation of women and related topics, words.

OP, I think your issue is with the saturation and effect you see it having on your kid, which is not necessarily true of lots of kids who listen to explicit songs. If you've talked to your kid and gotten nowhere, then you have to escalate. You say you've "discussed it with an open mind repeatedly." Maybe it's time to discuss it with a strong point of view and confidence in your family's values. You are allowed to have an opinion, even a strong opinion, and express that to your child, along with some rules such as no cursing in the house and no listening to X, Y, Z in your presence or even in his own room on repeat or whatever. I think you need to not discuss with an open mind trying to persuade your child, but let your child see how deeply and strongly you feel about this. That is what religious mom did, and while I would not necessarily do it for the same music or reasons religious mom did, there is definitely a point at which I would do it. These are our family values, and while you are living here you cannot use language or expose me to music that deeply offends me and is anathema to my values. It's not a kind or loving way to treat a family member, and it's not acceptable in this house.

This is excellent guidance.

OP here. Totally agree. That was a great post. I have done this, and it hasn't worked unfortunately. That's why I am where I am right now. It stinks. Also, I really don't think so of you posters have heard the kind of music I'm referring to. Lol. I say that kindly. But, pretty sure the grease soundtrack, which I've heard millions of times, doesn't include references to anal rape and stuff of that magnitude. Make sure you really are aware of what you're kiddos are listening to.

I memorized the lyrics to "Gimmie Dat Nut" as a virginal 15 year old. Didn't affect me too much. I do think it's important to have a lot of conversations about misogyny, racism, etc. but I am not sure I'd censor what they listen to.

[Anonymous]

We don't censor music.

They know they can't sing the swear words or the n-word. Other than that, no censoring.

[Anonymous]

We don't censor music, but we do have expectations for how the kids are expected to speak in various situations and around various people. If my kid has poor decision making to the point that they can't choose what things to repeat or not and when, we have worse problems than just music and I would focus on that.

[Anonymous]

I supervise my tween to be sure they are practicing their instruments. That is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just realized my 12 year old has been listening to explicit music on his phone. We're not okay with this. How do you monitor this? I know we can get Spotify and do a family plan with parental controls. I'm inclined to do this so he has options for good music that isn't explicit. Anyone else run into this? Thanks.

I don’t. Music is expression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First comes explicit lyrics, then drugs, then teenage pregnancy.

Thanks Jerry Falwell!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have listened to the lyrics to this music and find it disgusting, but I don't prohibit my kids from listening. I do discuss what they are listening to and why I find it offensive. I won't let my 17 year old go to a rap concert and I do expect and enforce appropriate language in appropriate places (i.e., use whatever language you want with your friends, but if a parent is around, clean it up or answer to me).

In your case, if you are paying for spotify or whatever music service he is streaming, then a logical consequence to him using bad language is to cut off that service. You have to do what is right for your family, but censoring what he is listening to is going to be a losing battle.

[Anonymous]

First comes explicit lyrics, then drugs, then teenage pregnancy.

Then....OMG.....dancing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

First comes explicit lyrics, then drugs, then teenage pregnancy.

Then....OMG.....dancing!

Let's all watch Dirty Dancing this weekend!