My 12 year old isn’t smart

[Anonymous]

Is there something that you and your child could do together and enjoy —video games, cooking lessons, building furniture, martial arts classes? Rebuilding your relationship will help and seeing some good in him will help. It’s worth almost any amount of time or expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has your genetics. You are a miserable person so of course he has issues.

There’s that DCUM support I know and love.

I think more people should accept their kids are exceptional. Our son isn’t smart. And yet he’s entitled. And he’s never wrong.

It’s a dangerous combo.

He became that way because of your parenting. Step up and help him with school or get him a tutor. Better yet, give him to another family who wants him. You clearly don't. This is a parenting issue.

Where are these families willing to take him????? Yeah right. The foster system must just be empty......

I don't believe parents can make kids 100 Percent one thing or another. Can you parent a kid into adhd, bi polar, anorexia??? Not really

Of course, you can't! Those are mental illnesses, most of them genetic. You, as a parent, can try to mitigate the damage and help bring the child into remission, but most of those diseases have no cure.

[Anonymous]

As for “not writing his fate,” on the one hand, you do know your child best. One the other hand, so much changes from age 12. The kid I knew who never, ever did her math homework is now an attending physician. My sister works with children with autism who often start out with a profound lack of basic skills when they enter her care. Many learn to become much more self sufficient. I taught a child with severe academic, social-emotional, and learning issues who no other children wanted to work with. His behavior at school was so out-of-bounds it merited expulsion. But he’s in college now.
While you may not hope for radical shifts in personality, I hope you will also be open to the potential for some positive change. Your attitude will affect your relationship with your child. It’s ok to have low points and “be real” with strangers, but I do sincerely hope things turn around for you.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, yes, not every kid is smart. It's tough to come to this realization especially when everyone around you is bragging about their kid or every kid seems to be getting straight As all the time every time. But if you really have got him help and tried all you could, then you just have to begin the process of accepting.

I went to a small private school growing up and I am in touch with my most of 75 kids I knew in 8th grade thanks to social media. Pretty much how kids were at age 12 is how they ended up as adults and those who changed were the exception and not the rule. So yeah, I get what you are saying.

You might want to consider looking up Auditory Processing Disorder. It goes undiagnosed quite a bit. What you said about your child lacking common sense is what made me think of it. One of my kids was finally diagnosed with this after an ADHD diagnosis and a few others. He did appear to lack common sense and did seem to be able to follow along normal conversations or give the right words in some conversations. It was very frustrating to me because I ended up feeling like you that maybe he was just dumb. I feel bad saying it but sadly he really did sound dumb in some situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Look, get him into something like learning to work on cars or bikes. It will keep his hands busy and give him a springboard to a career.

Lots of the trouble making guys I knew in HS liked to work on cars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op — this is an off the beaten path idea but have you tried a therapy with horses? A few years ago a parent volunteer I worked with was involved with that kind of therapy somewhere around or near the DC area. I’m being totally serious about this. There is something about being around these animals and caring for these animals that helps people. I’ve heard of groups that work successfully with people who have special needs. I’ve also heard use of it to help rehabilitate convicts.

Yes. equine therapy is a real thing. As is marine therapy (i can't believe if it's dolphins or orcas). However, I believe it's mostly used for people with PTSD.

How would this be helpful for people who aren't that into animals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my DS at that age.

We were certain he was headed to prison.

Then we got a an accurate diagnosis (14), got him medicated (14), he started to finally mature and find hobbies (15 and music).

He’s now 24 and just started his Masters in music compilation and business. He’s of average intelligence (we got him IQ tested, 105). He has a passion and a drive. He has support and medication and he constantly is working on his mental health.

Don’t label your kid at 12.

What was his diagnosis and medication?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here — before you ask — yes we are in therapy, yes he is in therapy, yes he is on meds, yes he has had a neuropsych, no to any sexual abuse (that we know of and we have asked and so has the therapist).

Go back to the therapists and really listen to what they are trying to tell you. Because you come across like a Grade A a$$hole here. I guarantee you the therapists know you have a role in all of this and have tried to gently tell you, but you are too busy calling your kid names.

Also, what did the neuropsych SAY? There was information there, too.

Your kid is a lot more than “dumb and entitled”. But you aren’t processing any of it.

[Anonymous]

There HAVE TO BE some things he is good at. Find those......

My 14 year old that struggles academically is currently being tested for Auditory Processing Disorder, explained by a PP. But he has physical and spatial intelligence that is well above normal, can build anything with his hands, understands motors and engines instinctually, is fantastic at problem solving physical problems, loves animals and trains our neighbor's dog for her because of his instincts with animals, is creative, hard working, and tries harder at his academics than most kids I know even though he never attains As in his classes. I don't believe he is that unusual, however. I just think we have spent a lot of time and energy recognizing what things he is good at and we will continue to guide him in those directions along with allowing him to feel good about himself and his "gifts".

Everyone is good at something. I firmly believe that. The world values academic intelligence over all other types of intelligence, but there are definitely others that can be used to create a wonderful life. But without self confidence, it will be extremely difficult.

[Anonymous]

What did the neuropsych diagnose him with? What was his IQ? from that evaluation? What were her suggestions for next steps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Struggling with a child that is just dumb as a sack of hammers. He also lies a lot and displays like every personality trait to make a perfect addict or inmate.

Please don’t tell me not to write his fate.

I’m looking for ways to lessen the inevitable damage.

And to decrease the anxiety and aggression in our household.

OP- what is his diagnosis? I'm assuming ADHD based on your description. Are there co-morbid diagnoses? Learning issues, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder? I have a DS12 with ADHD and we are a *time* of it right now. Manipulative, dishonest, impulsive, and disrespectful...but there are reasons and when we get to the reasons, we can change the behavior.
Also, no, it's unlikely your DS is dumb as a sack of hammers...but it is highly likely that he's underperforming and avoiding school work due to ADHD and other factors.
I get it-- sometimes I just walk into my bedroom and shut the door because I can't tolerate the whining over homework, disrespect, screen addiction, etc. but keep in mind that puberty is likely one of the worst times for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a son who is 11 and has ADD. Some days he does stuff that is pretty dumb but never do I think "OMG my son is so dumb, he is headed to prison." I think, "he is 11 and 11 year olds do stupid stuff. Especially if they have impulse control issues due to ADD." Common sense comes from experience (life experience) and he probably doesn't have any. Book smarts comes from, well...books. How much can an average 12 year old really know. ESPECIALLY if he has issues with learning. Entitlement comes from home, sorry to say. My kid acts entitled, but that's mostly my fault. I should have made him do chores a lot earlier, I should have made him get his own cut of water.

All of this to say, you are expecting a hell of a lot from a 12 year old. Are you sure you're realistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op — this is an off the beaten path idea but have you tried a therapy with horses? A few years ago a parent volunteer I worked with was involved with that kind of therapy somewhere around or near the DC area. I’m being totally serious about this. There is something about being around these animals and caring for these animals that helps people. I’ve heard of groups that work successfully with people who have special needs. I’ve also heard use of it to help rehabilitate convicts.

Yes. equine therapy is a real thing. As is marine therapy (i can't believe if it's dolphins or orcas). However, I believe it's mostly used for people with PTSD.

How would this be helpful for people who aren't that into animals?

My understanding is that people don’t go into it because they like animals. They go there to learn how to build trust, self-confidence, empathy, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op — this is an off the beaten path idea but have you tried a therapy with horses? A few years ago a parent volunteer I worked with was involved with that kind of therapy somewhere around or near the DC area. I’m being totally serious about this. There is something about being around these animals and caring for these animals that helps people. I’ve heard of groups that work successfully with people who have special needs. I’ve also heard use of it to help rehabilitate convicts.

Yes. equine therapy is a real thing. As is marine therapy (i can't believe if it's dolphins or orcas). However, I believe it's mostly used for people with PTSD.

How would this be helpful for people who aren't that into animals?

My understanding is that people don’t go into it because they like animals. They go there to learn how to build trust, self-confidence, empathy, etc.

Sample explanation can be found on Wikipedia:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equine-assisted_therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here — to have a child that lacks both common sense and book smarts and is entitled and never at fault makes me nervous.

It just is.

entitled and never at fault is not uncommon among 12 year olds...