Where do you think mean kids get it from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

Totally agree with this. Most kids that went to daycare from an early age seem to be bullies (even at 3-4 years of age). All kids that spent the first year or so with parents or nanny where they got undivided attention are so much nicer and more empathetic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know - I mean I think 80% is parents, but there is 20% that is temperament and self-esteem/insecurity issues - I have one child that is the nicest kid and so intuitive and kind and wins kindness awards at camp and school. I have another and we have been working on kindness for about 5 years - and it's SO much better, but it's a work in progress - her's comes from social anxiety and low self -esteem - we work really really hard.

This is us. One child (boy) is the kindest most empathetic yet popular boy. He wins character awards in every setting, multiple times as the character award winner for the whole camp. He was born this way. Other child (girl) was not born with the empathy gene. We CONSTANTLY work on kindness, inclusivity, empathy and always have. It is not natural to her. She is a powerful, popular, very attractive teen now and was always so. I think we have done ok overall considering but she has caused mental anguish in the past. I know it is not from us. I am am a total bleeding heart. We keep working with her and have tried to take responsibility when she has hurt someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in grade school and high school I noticed that mean kids usually had really nice parents.

I think it's environment. Kids around other kids all day, Lord of the Flies is inevitable.

My parents were amazing- my mom was a fantastic SAHM and I was still a mean girl I late elementary/middle. I moved around a lot, and it didn’t take long to realize that being one of the mean girls was an easier path to acceptance than being kind. I grew out of it once I was in HA with a steady group of friends, but I am definitely or proud of the little kid I was when I was a popular girl.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised so many people think it’s always the parents. (And I say this as a mom of a 2 year old so I have no dog in this fight yet.) But I know I went through a sort of mean phase myself and it was after years of being bullied. My parents were really, really good people and I did not learn any of it at home and they weren’t even aware of it for the most part (although were horrified at how I’d treat my little brother.) But by middle school I learned to be quick with put-downs and offering up funny but hurtful commentary at school to protect myself from attacks. I was kind of dorky and always a bit behind on trends and spent elementary years being bullied and finally just did what those kids did to maintain some social standing. So maybe the elementary bullies had shit parents but it was those KIDS who created a whole new group of bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

Totally agree with this. Most kids that went to daycare from an early age seem to be bullies (even at 3-4 years of age). All kids that spent the first year or so with parents or nanny where they got undivided attention are so much nicer and more empathetic.

+1

I completely disagree with this.

—former SAHM and current preschool teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

This. Read “Hold On To Your Kids” by Mate.
(Obviously, not forever.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised so many people think it’s always the parents. (And I say this as a mom of a 2 year old so I have no dog in this fight yet.) But I know I went through a sort of mean phase myself and it was after years of being bullied. My parents were really, really good people and I did not learn any of it at home and they weren’t even aware of it for the most part (although were horrified at how I’d treat my little brother.) But by middle school I learned to be quick with put-downs and offering up funny but hurtful commentary at school to protect myself from attacks. I was kind of dorky and always a bit behind on trends and spent elementary years being bullied and finally just did what those kids did to maintain some social standing. So maybe the elementary bullies had shit parents but it was those KIDS who created a whole new group of bullies.

So your PARENTS never noticed the change in behavior or tried to figure out why you treated your brother? I tried to hide the harassment I took at school at first, but I had a good relationship with my PARENTS. They noticed something was wrong & I was able to confide in them. They helped me fix it. I never became a bully. Weird, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised so many people think it’s always the parents. (And I say this as a mom of a 2 year old so I have no dog in this fight yet.) But I know I went through a sort of mean phase myself and it was after years of being bullied. My parents were really, really good people and I did not learn any of it at home and they weren’t even aware of it for the most part (although were horrified at how I’d treat my little brother.) But by middle school I learned to be quick with put-downs and offering up funny but hurtful commentary at school to protect myself from attacks. I was kind of dorky and always a bit behind on trends and spent elementary years being bullied and finally just did what those kids did to maintain some social standing. So maybe the elementary bullies had shit parents but it was those KIDS who created a whole new group of bullies.

So your PARENTS never noticed the change in behavior or tried to figure out why you treated your brother? I tried to hide the harassment I took at school at first, but I had a good relationship with my PARENTS. They noticed something was wrong & I was able to confide in them. They helped me fix it. I never became a bully. Weird, huh?

Um, yes they punished me for being mean to my brother, talked about the importance of siblings and having a life-long bond, the impact it would have on him to grow up with a big sister he looked up to making fun of him etc. I was 12 so I rolled my eyes and sulked in my room but didn’t get the big picture. If you think that “good” parents magically can change tween/teen attitudes or that parents know exactly what goes on in middle school then god help you when your kids get there. I won’t be so naive to think I have that much power or control. With teens I believe you mostly need to hope that how you act and what you say to your kids will sink in by adulthood and they will become decent people who appreciate all that you did but it’s crazy to think that they’ll magically get it while going through everything that adolescence entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

Totally agree with this. Most kids that went to daycare from an early age seem to be bullies (even at 3-4 years of age). All kids that spent the first year or so with parents or nanny where they got undivided attention are so much nicer and more empathetic.

+1

Huh, this isn't at all what I see in middle school. The mean queen bee kids tend to have moms with a lot of time on their hands who carefully direct their kids' social lives.

[Anonymous]

I think most people posting here haven't seen middle school yet.

[Anonymous]

I think its more nature than nurture or maybe the order of birth? You see sibsets where one is a total brat and the other one is the sweetest thing. Also, a lot of kids grow out of it when they are more capable of feeling empathy. I'm a totally different person than I was as a kid..

[Anonymous]

The three bullies I knew in primary school:

— raised by grandparents, parents were MIA
— raised by single mom, dad was in prison
— two parent household, dad was a drunk who beat the crap out of him

[Anonymous]

If left alone, kids dont necessarily develop empathy. Being in a group of schoolkids means that kids are exposed to all kinds of bad behavior. If parents don't set standards to counteract that, the kids will just pick up that behavior.

Most of the really bratty kids I know come from families where there are several kids, and the parents just can't pay enough attention to each kid to counteract the influence of the larger group.

[Anonymous]

Definitely from their parents/family. Nobody is born an a**hole. They're conditioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely from their parents/family. Nobody is born an a**hole. They're conditioned.

Agree. Environmental stress from parents and other adults can damage the developing brain of a young child. Children must feel safe and loved.