Where do you think mean kids get it from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people posting here haven't seen middle school yet.

True. You think that cliquey mom at the pool is horrible? Wait til you see her 12 year old daughter modeling everything she does.

[Anonymous]

I think it's multifactorial. Many bullies I've known had a disruptive homelife and were abused or whatever.

But then there's some kids whose parents are not abusive but they just kind of throw their hands up and don't correct behaviors, like they're clueless or afraid to take charge maybe? In my social circle, there's a mom who over the years has routinely just giggled at her kid getting into trouble rather than doing any sort of parenting. This kid is only 3 yet I can already see he's going to be trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it is in their nature to be mean? Tv? Parents? Someone else was mean to them first?

I have an elementary child who dealt with mean girls teasing and just being mean to my child all year. My child is generally well liked but these girls are just mean, not just to my child but to one another and other kids in class.

I also have a preschool child. My friend’s daughter purposely excludes my younger child and I witnessed her taunting and laughing at my child after making my child cry.

It is one thing for kids in school. This girl is my very good friend’s daughter. It makes me wonder what kind of person my friend is. She is a great friend to me but her daughter is a little mean brat. I’m probably going to avoid family gatherings for a while. Don’t want to necessarily end our friendship but it really makes me question my friend. My friend thinks her daughter is an angel. Not sure if she is in denial or truly doesn’t know.

I couldn't be friends with anyone who thinks their kid is an angel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

No. It’s overly attached parents. The mothers who bring everything the child does back to herself. Mean girls have overly involved mean mothers (firing nannies, housekeepers, anyone the child is attached to without warning; dropping friends).

I don’t know what you mean by group care. School?

Studies show that bullies are often the kids who were red shirted. Bigger and older than other kids. They are more likely to pick on and manipulate others. More likely to single out the emotionally or physical oh immature kids as victims.

[Anonymous]

Parents.

Look no further than the hard-partying cliques of moms and dads. The ones off having block parties, happy hours, throwing themselves birthday parties, taking vacations together, tailgating at youth football games, hanging out with travel sports parents - they're the ones sitting at the hotel bar and shutting it down, running boosters and coming up with new ways to socially engineer their kids' lives. They set up a cabal of sorts. If you complain or challenge...watch out...you, the adult, are the social pariah.

Yes, these people are my neighbors and collectively, their kids are mean girls/boys. Anything to be be popular! The kids all date each other, play on the same teams, hang at their parents' parties, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents.

Look no further than the hard-partying cliques of moms and dads. The ones off having block parties, happy hours, throwing themselves birthday parties, taking vacations together, tailgating at youth football games, hanging out with travel sports parents - they're the ones sitting at the hotel bar and shutting it down, running boosters and coming up with new ways to socially engineer their kids' lives. They set up a cabal of sorts. If you complain or challenge...watch out...you, the adult, are the social pariah.

Yes, these people are my neighbors and collectively, their kids are mean girls/boys. Anything to be be popular! The kids all date each other, play on the same teams, hang at their parents' parties, etc.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Seeking dominance is a natural thing for lots of animals (including humans). I think there are always going to be people who discover they have a talent for controlling and manipulating people, and they're going to experiment with it in good ways and bad, especially when they're young. How many of these "mean" girls go on to be powerful women in a variety of ways? I don't mean to say that being mean is a positive or desirable thing, but just that it's a natural personality trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know - I mean I think 80% is parents, but there is 20% that is temperament and self-esteem/insecurity issues - I have one child that is the nicest kid and so intuitive and kind and wins kindness awards at camp and school. I have another and we have been working on kindness for about 5 years - and it's SO much better, but it's a work in progress - her's comes from social anxiety and low self -esteem - we work really really hard.

This is us. One child (boy) is the kindest most empathetic yet popular boy. He wins character awards in every setting, multiple times as the character award winner for the whole camp. He was born this way. Other child (girl) was not born with the empathy gene. We CONSTANTLY work on kindness, inclusivity, empathy and always have. It is not natural to her. She is a powerful, popular, very attractive teen now and was always so. I think we have done ok overall considering but she has caused mental anguish in the past. I know it is not from us. I am am a total bleeding heart. We keep working with her and have tried to take responsibility when she has hurt someone.

There is no empathy gene. You did something wrong in the early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it is in their nature to be mean? Tv? Parents? Someone else was mean to them first?

I have an elementary child who dealt with mean girls teasing and just being mean to my child all year. My child is generally well liked but these girls are just mean, not just to my child but to one another and other kids in class.

I also have a preschool child. My friend’s daughter purposely excludes my younger child and I witnessed her taunting and laughing at my child after making my child cry.

It is one thing for kids in school. This girl is my very good friend’s daughter. It makes me wonder what kind of person my friend is. She is a great friend to me but her daughter is a little mean brat. I’m probably going to avoid family gatherings for a while. Don’t want to necessarily end our friendship but it really makes me question my friend. My friend thinks her daughter is an angel. Not sure if she is in denial or truly doesn’t know.

I couldn't be friends with anyone who thinks their kid is an angel.

This brings to mind this new "mom friend" I met at an activity. She was very chatty, bubbly, and friendly. I hear about her DD and in these stories her DD is always nice and sweet and helping out her friends. Then I meet the DD when the activity is over and the DD is.....not sweet. She yells at her mom for not having her snack ready, snatches it and stomps off. I was like WTF? And not just a one time thing -- each time I'm at this activity, I see the DD rolling her eyes, yelling at her mom and being mean to kids all the time. Like a real-life Veruca Salt. Her mom just stands there and beams. I'm thinking "do you have eyes?" In sum, some parents have real blinders when it comes to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

No. It’s overly attached parents. The mothers who bring everything the child does back to herself. Mean girls have overly involved mean mothers (firing nannies, housekeepers, anyone the child is attached to without warning; dropping friends).

I don’t know what you mean by group care. School?

Studies show that bullies are often the kids who were red shirted. Bigger and older than other kids. They are more likely to pick on and manipulate others. More likely to single out the emotionally or physical oh immature kids as victims.

There are no such studies, at least nothing in the academic published literature. I assume by study, you mean a conclusion you reached in your own imagination.

Signed,
Has studied all the academic literature about redshirting extensively for years

[Anonymous]

I was just on the jeans thread and there was a 38 year old mom bragging about how she was skinnier and prettier than all the 12 year olds she saw in American Eagle.

I'm sure that mom's kids are little a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

This. Read “Hold On To Your Kids” by Mate.
(Obviously, not forever.)

This really doesn't explain the middle school Queen Bee phenomenon, who tend to be wealthier kids with parents who put enormous focus on appearance and who usually have a parent who doesn't work or doesn't work much, though. Those kids don't have group childcare experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

This. Read “Hold On To Your Kids” by Mate.
(Obviously, not forever.)

This really doesn't explain the middle school Queen Bee phenomenon, who tend to be wealthier kids with parents who put enormous focus on appearance and who usually have a parent who doesn't work or doesn't work much, though. Those kids don't have group childcare experience.

Yep. It usually tends to be an overly involved SAHM whose job and purpose in life is to "socially engineer" her kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

It is frankly BOTH extremes.

Overly involved parents who socially engineer every aspect of their kids' lives and parents who don't keep an eye of any sort on their kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group childcare combined with detached parents.

Totally agree with this. Most kids that went to daycare from an early age seem to be bullies (even at 3-4 years of age). All kids that spent the first year or so with parents or nanny where they got undivided attention are so much nicer and more empathetic.

+1

I completely disagree with this.

—former SAHM and current preschool teacher

Agree with PP. If anything those kids are better socialized from a young age and also do not always expect to be the center of attention.