Where do you think mean kids get it from?

[Anonymous]

There are very different varieties of mean kids once you get to, say, middle school age.

There are the popular, conniving mean kids (often girls, but boys too in the same group). These are the ones who are often the children of the "socially programming" parents. They don't use so much physical intimidation as exclusion, gossip, etc.

Then there are the loner bully and rebel types who rely on physical intimidation and threats of physical violence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are very different varieties of mean kids once you get to, say, middle school age.

There are the popular, conniving mean kids (often girls, but boys too in the same group). These are the ones who are often the children of the "socially programming" parents. They don't use so much physical intimidation as exclusion, gossip, etc.

Then there are the loner bully and rebel types who rely on physical intimidation and threats of physical violence.

The first ones come from those cliquey parents.

The second group comes from the parents who don't manage the kid's impulse control and anger issues for any of a variety of reasons (lack knowledge/resources, are in total denial that their kid needs help, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a combination of things. Parents only have so much influence over certain kids.

It’s usually the parents who control what environment the children have.

So what, you control the environment. How do you control a child's temperament, or personality? You can provide for them, teach them right from wrong, and provide a loving home, but you can't control a child 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a combination of things. Parents only have so much influence over certain kids.

It’s usually the parents who control what environment the children have.

So what, you control the environment. How do you control a child's temperament, or personality? You can provide for them, teach them right from wrong, and provide a loving home, but you can't control a child 100%.

True, though I would say to be TRULY nasty, it is way easier if the kid has "support" within the power structure of activities, school, etc. to enforce the fear/social threat (for example, because dad is a coach or mom is heading the dance committee)…also to be truly nasty in a calculating way, a kid needs opportunities to observe or learn that behavior from savvier, older people--parents or older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your expectations of good behavior for a child is unrealistic. They are wild animals with different temperaments that need years of guidance and experience to learn to use their natural talents in appropriate ways to navigate a complex social world. You can model good behavior, you can gently correct when appropriate, and you can throw their butts out of your house when truly egregious behavior occurs. A child who can’t sometimes be dominant may never have the skills to assert themselves when and where it’s appropriate as an adult. To judge a woman by her child’s tendencies, ignores years of painful growth that culminated in someone you would consider a friend.

I agree with this.

Me too.

Kids go through developmental phases. You can't expect young kids to have the empathy and social skills of adults all the time. That's unrealistic and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering this myself yesterday when I went to pick up my rising kindergartner at camp. As my son was grabbing his backpack 2 girls his age very obviously whispered and giggled something about either my son or me, right in front of my face. One of my son's good friends (a boy) was sitting at their table and actually called them out on it. I don't know what was said (I'm sure it was something stupid), but the behavior really irritated me. I told them it wasn't nice to talk about other people right in front of them. One of these girls pushed my son a couple of months ago because she didn't want him playing with her and her friend (probably the other girl in the whispering scenario, if I had to guess). I actually work with the mom of the girl who pushed, and she is a very nice person. I can't imagine her daughter is learning this stuff from home unless it's from her older brother (my son has told me about mean things the brother has said at aftercare). I think the mom is overwhelmed at work so it probably is a combo of long hours in group care and not having the opportunity to observe her kid's behavior in this type of setting.

If I catch my kid being mean to others I will nip that in the bud real quick, as I have in the couple of times I have seen it from him. It's definitely something I am worried about as he starts kindergarten. Kids can be mean and are influenced by all sorts of experiences.

This just sounds like you wanted to shame the other mom for working so much and leaving her kid in daycare, and say how much of a better mom you are. Maybe your kid occasionally has posessive moments in camp, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering this myself yesterday when I went to pick up my rising kindergartner at camp. As my son was grabbing his backpack 2 girls his age very obviously whispered and giggled something about either my son or me, right in front of my face. One of my son's good friends (a boy) was sitting at their table and actually called them out on it. I don't know what was said (I'm sure it was something stupid), but the behavior really irritated me. I told them it wasn't nice to talk about other people right in front of them. One of these girls pushed my son a couple of months ago because she didn't want him playing with her and her friend (probably the other girl in the whispering scenario, if I had to guess). I actually work with the mom of the girl who pushed, and she is a very nice person. I can't imagine her daughter is learning this stuff from home unless it's from her older brother (my son has told me about mean things the brother has said at aftercare). I think the mom is overwhelmed at work so it probably is a combo of long hours in group care and not having the opportunity to observe her kid's behavior in this type of setting.

If I catch my kid being mean to others I will nip that in the bud real quick, as I have in the couple of times I have seen it from him. It's definitely something I am worried about as he starts kindergarten. Kids can be mean and are influenced by all sorts of experiences.

This just sounds like you wanted to shame the other mom for working so much and leaving her kid in daycare, and say how much of a better mom you are. Maybe your kid occasionally has posessive moments in camp, too.

Nah, I don't think that. I am familiar with her work situation and she gets a lot dumped on her that isn't totally fair due to her specific role and supervisor. I think if she knew about the two incidents I described she would be upset and have a talk with her daughter. My kid has his own challenges. I'm sure he hasn't always been 100% nice all the time but the director did stop my husband once to tell us he is one of the nicest kids at school so my guess is that he's kind at least most of the time. Hopefully that doesn't change but no guarantees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering this myself yesterday when I went to pick up my rising kindergartner at camp. As my son was grabbing his backpack 2 girls his age very obviously whispered and giggled something about either my son or me, right in front of my face. One of my son's good friends (a boy) was sitting at their table and actually called them out on it. I don't know what was said (I'm sure it was something stupid), but the behavior really irritated me. I told them it wasn't nice to talk about other people right in front of them. One of these girls pushed my son a couple of months ago because she didn't want him playing with her and her friend (probably the other girl in the whispering scenario, if I had to guess). I actually work with the mom of the girl who pushed, and she is a very nice person. I can't imagine her daughter is learning this stuff from home unless it's from her older brother (my son has told me about mean things the brother has said at aftercare). I think the mom is overwhelmed at work so it probably is a combo of long hours in group care and not having the opportunity to observe her kid's behavior in this type of setting.

If I catch my kid being mean to others I will nip that in the bud real quick, as I have in the couple of times I have seen it from him. It's definitely something I am worried about as he starts kindergarten. Kids can be mean and are influenced by all sorts of experiences.

This just sounds like you wanted to shame the other mom for working so much and leaving her kid in daycare, and say how much of a better mom you are. Maybe your kid occasionally has posessive moments in camp, too.

Nah, I don't think that. I am familiar with her work situation and she gets a lot dumped on her that isn't totally fair due to her specific role and supervisor. I think if she knew about the two incidents I described she would be upset and have a talk with her daughter. My kid has his own challenges. I'm sure he hasn't always been 100% nice all the time but the director did stop my husband once to tell us he is one of the nicest kids at school so my guess is that he's kind at least most of the time. Hopefully that doesn't change but no guarantees.

NP and WOH mom here- parents are a huge influence of course, but at some point kids start learning from their peers at daycare/school too. DS has been at an in-home daycare and there is this one older boy he admires and tries to play with. At the neighborhood playground last week DS got mad about something and called his playground friend (not from daycare) a childish name. It’s not a name we would ever use at home so when he calmed down I asked DS where he had heard it from and if someone had called him that. He says the boy from daycare calls him that all the time. I asked him how it made him feel and he said “sad” so we talked about how his playground friend was probably sad to be called that too.

[Anonymous]

I dont know OP. there was a "mean girl" in daughters K class ad the parents are the nicest people I know. they were embarrassed by behvaor they witnessed on a field trip. I think some kids are naturally very confident and leaders, and other kids are naturally followers. At a young age, neither group navigates it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We should also be thinking about how the seeds for depression develop during childhood.

I totally agree with this. PP probably meant this about the victims, but the parents of these mean kids are not doing them any favors. They are going to grow up to be miserable, and with luck they'll regret their behavior.

I think mean kids are made by their parents only in so much as their parents don't correct the behavior. We don't let our kids pick their noses or reach into their pants in public, but for some reason parents just let their kids be mean. Weird. Bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know OP. there was a "mean girl" in daughters K class ad the parents are the nicest people I know. they were embarrassed by behvaor they witnessed on a field trip. I think some kids are naturally very confident and leaders, and other kids are naturally followers. At a young age, neither group navigates it well.

Yes, but do you think they are doing anything about it?

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of you on this thread sound very, very naive and pretty unaware about what your own kids are doing.

If you believe your child isn't ever mean, you are parenting badly.

[Anonymous]

Parents.

/thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We should also be thinking about how the seeds for depression develop during childhood.

I totally agree with this. PP probably meant this about the victims, but the parents of these mean kids are not doing them any favors. They are going to grow up to be miserable, and with luck they'll regret their behavior.

I think mean kids are made by their parents only in so much as their parents don't correct the behavior. We don't let our kids pick their noses or reach into their pants in public, but for some reason parents just let their kids be mean. Weird. Bad parenting.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We should also be thinking about how the seeds for depression develop during childhood.

I totally agree with this. PP probably meant this about the victims, but the parents of these mean kids are not doing them any favors. They are going to grow up to be miserable, and with luck they'll regret their behavior.

I think mean kids are made by their parents only in so much as their parents don't correct the behavior. We don't let our kids pick their noses or reach into their pants in public, but for some reason parents just let their kids be mean. Weird. Bad parenting.

Do you chaperone your child at school? Otherwise I'm not sure how you know your kid is never mean.....just sayin'.