Things to experience with your partner before you get married

[Anonymous]

We dated 10 years, spent 4 of those long distance, and have been married 11 (mostly happily).

Things I’m glad for: seeing he was decent during breakups, discussion about children and finances in advance, his solid advice on life stresses (like coming close to failing a class in college), getting through sad times (like deaths of loved ones). Not sure I realized this at the time, but he’s always been a calming influence for me, which I appreciate.

I’m not sure it would have changed my mind, but I wish I’d reflected more on (a) how stressful we each find the other’s family (though to a large degree we each also find our own nuclear families stressful) and (b) now often he promises he’ll do things (big or small) and just flakes or doesn’t carry through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For real:

- spend some time with your future in-laws -- few days is fine
- go on a trip, preferably abroad, to some place with a language barrier so you can see how they deal with stress and ppl who can't understand them
- home improvement/cooking
- see how your partner is around kids if you're interested in having some (some people dislike all kids but their own, so may not work, but I didn't want someone like that anyway)

I spent time with my in-laws and I found that it didn't make a difference. My MIL did a complete 180 once married. As a girlfriend my MIL was still running my husband's life as he was living at home. Once we got married she thought she would still run it and it caused massive problems. I have since learned that a lot of MIL's are like this. Everything is fine until after the wedding and then they panic for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For real:

- spend some time with your future in-laws -- few days is fine
- go on a trip, preferably abroad, to some place with a language barrier so you can see how they deal with stress and ppl who can't understand them
- home improvement/cooking
- see how your partner is around kids if you're interested in having some (some people dislike all kids but their own, so may not work, but I didn't want someone like that anyway)

I spent time with my in-laws and I found that it didn't make a difference. My MIL did a complete 180 once married. As a girlfriend my MIL was still running my husband's life as he was living at home. Once we got married she thought she would still run it and it caused massive problems. I have since learned that a lot of MIL's are like this. Everything is fine until after the wedding and then they panic for some reason.

Your mistake was marrying an adult man who was living at home.

[Anonymous]

Live together for a year...

[Anonymous]

Go to Ikea together and not kill one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Be with them through the recovery from a minor/moderate medical procedure. One that may require a few days of taking it easy.
2. Spend a week visiting with their parents.

I love my DH but man these things bring out the worst in him! I’m sure I would have married him anyway, but would have been nice to know he turns into a complete ass on these occasions.

What’s on your list?

+1

There is some validity to this, OP. You need to know certain things about their family, such as how your spouse was treated by them growing up. If there are unresolved issues, I would move on while you still can.

[Anonymous]

All the Ikea references are really funny!
I second the one about a 2-person kayak or even a rowboat with a single oar.
A difficult journey - whether it's domestic US or foreign travel.
Babysit a friend's kids for a night, or even overnight. Very eye opening! Kept me on birth control for quite awhile!
Doing the wedding registry was also very illuminating.
We've always been 95% on the same page about money, but many people have serious issues with how each other handles it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the medical stuff. Having a spouse who can step up and actually help you without demeaning you is key. I broke my arm and my DH helped me bathe and even shaved my armpits so gently. Needless to say he is a great dad and partner!

Wow, this is great. Also know how your spouse acts during times of loss and distress. ie: if your parent is dying, does he bail? if you are planning all the wedding yourself long distance (before internet), does he go across the entire country at his whim to have his bachelor party with a prostitute, with people who aren't even bothering to come to the wedding? Yeah, that - not exactly a prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the Ikea references are really funny!
I second the one about a 2-person kayak or even a rowboat with a single oar.
A difficult journey - whether it's domestic US or foreign travel.
Babysit a friend's kids for a night, or even overnight. Very eye opening! Kept me on birth control for quite awhile!
Doing the wedding registry was also very illuminating.
We've always been 95% on the same page about money, but many people have serious issues with how each other handles it.

+

The money issue is big. If you marry someone who spends too much or too little, or blames you for things you have nothing to do with - that is not fun. Add in mommy issues and wowza.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Live together for a year...

Yes

[Anonymous]

Babysit a friend's kids for a night,

... neither of us ever liked kids. Not anyone else's but our own. Adore our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anal. Both ways. Get it out of system. Need not be repeated.

We still do and been happily together for 12 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will strongly recommend to my children that they live with someone for at least 6 months before marrying them.

Why do you encourage low moral values?

Do you believe in no sex before marriage as well?

I'm a Christian and I know for a fact my wife and I wouldn't have gotten married if there was sex before marriage. Things have been complicated in that area. We are staying together because we are Christian and the rest of our marriage is great.

Marriage is about mutual submission and sacrifice. People don't understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anal. Both ways. Get it out of system. Need not be repeated.

We still do and been happily together for 12 years.

Excellent. I’ve always thought if married couples did this on a regular basis it would really bond them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will strongly recommend to my children that they live with someone for at least 6 months before marrying them.

Why do you encourage low moral values?

Do you believe in no sex before marriage as well?

I'm a Christian and I know for a fact my wife and I wouldn't have gotten married if there was sex before marriage. Things have been complicated in that area. We are staying together because we are Christian and the rest of our marriage is great.

Marriage is about mutual submission and sacrifice. People don't understand this.

Sounds like fun. Good luck with that.