Things to experience with your partner before you get married

[Anonymous]

Break up and get back together.

(No, I guess I don't really recommend it for everyone, but in my case it totally helped to know what he's like to break up with. Hint: he was a decent guy all the way.)

[Anonymous]

Talk about your views on gender roles. Maybe I just got lucky, but I am the only one of my friends who doesn't seem to be "stuck" with being the default parent for everything (I am a woman married to a man). I also am the only one who actually had conversations with my to-be husband about how I didn't want to repeat the gender roles I saw in either of our households (especially his 1950s oriented) family growing up.

[Anonymous]

I find a lengthy shopping trip to IKEA, it's warehouse and the ensuring assembly process to be quite enlightening.

[Anonymous]

I agree about the medical stuff. Having a spouse who can step up and actually help you without demeaning you is key. I broke my arm and my DH helped me bathe and even shaved my armpits so gently. Needless to say he is a great dad and partner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cross country car trip.

Yup -- we did this -- in the days before cell phones. We got lost, fought about who couldn't read maps properly, endured boredom so bad that we started singing to each other the wrong lyrics we knew (I now know there's a word for this: mondagreens), had to listen to AM radio through much of Indiana (he chose the Tigers game, I chose Frank Sinatra), stayed at a B&B in Minnesota where the owner served us Duncan Hines blueberry muffins for breakfast, made many a dinner out of beef jerky and Slurpees, had to hang out for a day in a small town in Ohio while we waited for them to fix the car (we went to the library and the courthouse) . . . I could go on and on. Reader, I married him. It's been 27 years and our youngest is about to go to college and I'm still glad I took him up on the suggestion . . . "Hey, I could get the car shipped back to Boston, but do you think it might be fun to drive?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite guests -- friends and family -- to Thanksgiving dinner, which you will host and cook and clean up together.

Guest list to include:

at least 1 person who doesn't share your political views
at least 1 toddler
at least 1 person with many dietary restrictions
at least 1 of each of your parents
at least 1 of your grandparents or other relatives over the age of 75
at least 1 person who must watch a football game
at least 1 person who doesn't bring what they volunteered to bring, but shows up with a box of Girl Scout cookies
at least 1 person who insists that the every guest share 1 thing they're thankful for
at least 1 person who likes to offer gratuitous advice on careers
at least 1 couple who are on the verge of a break-up/divorce
at least 1 sullen teenager
at least 1 person who unexpectedly brings their dogs

Priceless - marriage would cease to exist! I'd add:

at least one uncle/aunt who holds their hugs way too long

Oh, that would be my aunt -- she also writes poetry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two person kayak

Yes!

Hilarious but yes.

[Anonymous]

Anal. Both ways. Get it out of system. Need not be repeated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will strongly recommend to my children that they live with someone for at least 6 months before marrying them.

Why do you encourage low moral values?

[Anonymous]

For real:

- spend some time with your future in-laws -- few days is fine
- go on a trip, preferably abroad, to some place with a language barrier so you can see how they deal with stress and ppl who can't understand them
- home improvement/cooking
- see how your partner is around kids if you're interested in having some (some people dislike all kids but their own, so may not work, but I didn't want someone like that anyway)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will strongly recommend to my children that they live with someone for at least 6 months before marrying them.

Why do you encourage low moral values?

NP. I am so sick of people on their high horse about moral values. You do realize that a lot of people live together before getting married, right? I actually think it’s the smart thing to do—Long as there is an end date in mind like “will live together for a year and after that will decide to get married or not.” It is practical. People should not commit to marriage without knowing really what they’re getting into—it’s too risky. It would prevent a lot of divorces of people live together before they got married. I lived with a boyfriend after college for four years out of financial necessity—He wanted to get married and I didn’t. It was not the right choice to get married but we did have a good time living together. I did not live together with my husband before we got married. I really wish I would have because it would’ve prevented a marriage that should never of happened— unlike my college boyfriend it has never been good living together and has been a bad marriage from day 1. I would’ve known if we had lived together and would have avoided the biggest mistake of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will strongly recommend to my children that they live with someone for at least 6 months before marrying them.

Why do you encourage low moral values?

Do you believe in no sex before marriage as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be on the same page about finances is really the big one.

My MIL did a complete 180 after we got married (for the worst) so spending time with her before we got married did nothing. She didn't lose her shit until things were official, I think because when I was a girlfriend she wasn't threatened by me.

OP here. I actually really like my ILs! But DH reverts to acting like a teenage jerk around them after 48 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite guests -- friends and family -- to Thanksgiving dinner, which you will host and cook and clean up together.

Guest list to include:

at least 1 person who doesn't share your political views
at least 1 toddler
at least 1 person with many dietary restrictions
at least 1 of each of your parents
at least 1 of your grandparents or other relatives over the age of 75
at least 1 person who must watch a football game
at least 1 person who doesn't bring what they volunteered to bring, but shows up with a box of Girl Scout cookies
at least 1 person who insists that the every guest share 1 thing they're thankful for
at least 1 person who likes to offer gratuitous advice on careers
at least 1 couple who are on the verge of a break-up/divorce
at least 1 sullen teenager
at least 1 person who unexpectedly brings their dogs

This is dangerously close to my family gatherings, except all our parents are already over 75, and by now we know to expect the dog!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be on the same page about finances is really the big one.

My MIL did a complete 180 after we got married (for the worst) so spending time with her before we got married did nothing. She didn't lose her shit until things were official, I think because when I was a girlfriend she wasn't threatened by me.

OP here. I actually really like my ILs! But DH reverts to acting like a teenage jerk around them after 48 hours.

This. The thing to look for is not how well you get along with his/her family; it is whether you still like the version of your spouse that exists around their family.