husband and I really in a tough spot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not a lifestyle thing. We live a pretty normal lifestyle. could we scale back, sure. but we are not buying fancy clothes or fancy cars. I grew up in a culture and enviroment that you save your money for your kids college- help them get a good start. I feel a lot of pressure to have that savings for my children. I think he agrees, but i'm the one earning towards it. You are all right, we won't lose our house the second he loses his job. But I am feeling worse and worse about my job, and i had hoped to scale back.

Let me guess, you consider a normal lifestyle to live in an $800K or higher house and lots of vacations. Find a new job. Sell the house for a less expensive house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP also doesn’t 2/3 of the child and household management. I earn about 55-60% of our income, have to spend about 5-10 hours a week more at the office than he does plus travel about 3 nights a month, yet I’m still the one dealing with school homework and projects, scheduling dr appts, coordinating activities, planning menus and ordering groceries (he cooks), coordinating household help, etc. He’s never been willing to put forth the effort to step up his career or cut back on expenses (the latest is that it’s time to replace his car and he’s insisting on something nice vs something mediocre). This income/career issue has put a huge strain on our marriage and I fantasize about leaving him.

Leave, if you earn 5% more, you aren't earning that much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. DH and I both have “big” jobs and yeah, it’s a lot, but we both know the other is doing their best. DH would be horrified if I “scaled back.” Maybe some families can deal with one spouse not working hard in the professional realm but that wouldn’t fly with either of us.

Your post makes no sense when you first blame your husband but in reality its you wanting the big job. I feel sorry for your kids being raised by others as one parent will not scale back and make them a priority.

I don’t “blame” him for wanting an equal partner in the financial realm than I “blame” him for wanting a faithful spouse even if it would be fun to sleep around. His wanting an equal partner is fair and reasonable. Anything else and any spouse could start to feel like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

You realize getting pregnant and breastfeeding are both choices, right?

Dp. The point pp was making went way over your head, rigjt?

[Anonymous]

What is it that you are scared about? I don't think you can come up with a solution until you know exactly why you are scared. If you are afraid that life will be different then you might just be holding on to something that you are not really happy with and keeping yourself from finding something that is much better. One thing for sure there is room for only so much in our lives. Often we have to let go of something to find something better. The most important thing I see here is that you and your husband MUST be on the same page. You MUST talk honestly with each other and make your decisions TOGETHER. Dealing with all of this may give your husband a chance to be the head of his household and give you a chance to be the wife of a husband who is supportive and loving. Anything less will result in life being something less than it could be. You may be really surprised at the good that may come out of all of this. I am praying for you. You sound like a really special person with lots of talent and the opportunity for a great marriage.

[Anonymous]

So take matters into your own hands. Get a hold of his resume and send it to a few recruiters, post it on a LinkedIn account, and post it to a job board like, Indeed. Let him take it from there. If he has the right work history and qualifications, he should have no trouble getting offers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not a lifestyle thing. We live a pretty normal lifestyle. could we scale back, sure. but we are not buying fancy clothes or fancy cars. I grew up in a culture and enviroment that you save your money for your kids college- help them get a good start. I feel a lot of pressure to have that savings for my children. I think he agrees, but i'm the one earning towards it. You are all right, we won't lose our house the second he loses his job. But I am feeling worse and worse about my job, and i had hoped to scale back.

You have a choice to make. Is it more important to have the extra savings for your kids and be filled with resentment at your DH and give up more years at a job you hate OR cut back on your lifestyle and have a less stressful job? Remember, your kids will be adults in X amount of years and have a variety of ways they can pay for college I.e. community college and transfer, loans, ROTC, living at home and going close by, scholarships etc, while you only have one life to live. While you hope your kids make good choices and whatever sacrifices you make will not only be worth it but they will appreciate it - you really don’t know. So you have to determine your threshold of “even if doesn’t work out the way I hoped it was still worth it” when it comes to how much you are willing to sacrifice on behalf of someone who else.

Now if it’s you that wants the nicer lifestyle and can’t cut back, no shame in that, but be honest with yourself and realize you can’t expect others to have the same priorities or make them sacrifice for something only you think is important. If you like the nicer things in life but only you and not your DH has the the drive to work for it, you have to determine if you are willing to accept that because he isn’t going to change and living the budget lifestyle wouldn’t make you happy.

[Anonymous]

So you put your plans temporarily on hold until your husband finds a new job. Once he finds a new job, you make plans around that income. It might mean moving farther out and downsizing to a smaller home so that you can afford to live on his smaller salary. And putting your kids in public school instead of private school. But if you leave your job, you can also downsize your budget because you won't need childcare, so your husband's salary needs to cover a home and bills. You can temporarily stop your college savings. When your kids get to upper elementary school and middle school, then you'll be able to go back to work, but you can go back to a scaled back job not a high powered job. And if you've decreased your budget to live on his salary, then your salary can go towards the college fund, emergency fund and extras, like a vacation fund.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing this is how most men feel.