husband and I really in a tough spot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

You realize getting pregnant and breastfeeding are both choices, right?

Not the PP you're responding to, but so is taking a high-paying job. You're acting like men are *forced* into this pressure. It's a choice. Nobody says you can't opt out and be a beach bum or work at McDonalds.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you OP. DH and I both have “big” jobs and yeah, it’s a lot, but we both know the other is doing their best. DH would be horrified if I “scaled back.” Maybe some families can deal with one spouse not working hard in the professional realm but that wouldn’t fly with either of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. DH and I both have “big” jobs and yeah, it’s a lot, but we both know the other is doing their best. DH would be horrified if I “scaled back.” Maybe some families can deal with one spouse not working hard in the professional realm but that wouldn’t fly with either of us.

How is this being "with" OP? She works hard and her husband does not, and is now about to lose his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

I can't be sure, but it seems like this post is suggesting that because women are physiologically responsible for childbirth and nursing, men should have a heightened responsibility to support the family. Is that right?

I had no idea when I went to sleep last night I'd wake up in the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It is not a lifestyle thing. We live a pretty normal lifestyle. could we scale back, sure. but we are not buying fancy clothes or fancy cars. I grew up in a culture and enviroment that you save your money for your kids college- help them get a good start. I feel a lot of pressure to have that savings for my children. I think he agrees, but i'm the one earning towards it. You are all right, we won't lose our house the second he loses his job. But I am feeling worse and worse about my job, and i had hoped to scale back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

You realize getting pregnant and breastfeeding are both choices, right?

Not the PP you're responding to, but so is taking a high-paying job. You're acting like men are *forced* into this pressure. It's a choice. Nobody says you can't opt out and be a beach bum or work at McDonalds.

No, I think men have the choice to work high-paying, pressure filled jobs. Just like OP has that choice.

[Anonymous]

I'm questioning the decision-making of you ladies choosing to have babies with these losers. Hopefully some of them have trust funds that they haven't told you about yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not a lifestyle thing. We live a pretty normal lifestyle. could we scale back, sure. but we are not buying fancy clothes or fancy cars. I grew up in a culture and enviroment that you save your money for your kids college- help them get a good start. I feel a lot of pressure to have that savings for my children. I think he agrees, but i'm the one earning towards it. You are all right, we won't lose our house the second he loses his job. But I am feeling worse and worse about my job, and i had hoped to scale back.

LOL seriously? Why do you get to scale back?

[Anonymous]

OP post your budget.
Also, do not go crazy about the college funding. Anything could happen with that. If your kids get loans you can always help pay off the principal later, don't have to kill yourself now. My financial advisor would tell you to save it for retirement, not the kids' college. (I admit am saving for half of college expenses as a single mom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not a lifestyle thing. We live a pretty normal lifestyle. could we scale back, sure. but we are not buying fancy clothes or fancy cars. I grew up in a culture and enviroment that you save your money for your kids college- help them get a good start. I feel a lot of pressure to have that savings for my children. I think he agrees, but i'm the one earning towards it. You are all right, we won't lose our house the second he loses his job. But I am feeling worse and worse about my job, and i had hoped to scale back.

This is temporary. He’s going to pull it together. Once this crisis is over start looking for something that serves you better. If you take something that pays less look at finding ways to cut corners on expenses. It’s going to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. DH and I both have “big” jobs and yeah, it’s a lot, but we both know the other is doing their best. DH would be horrified if I “scaled back.” Maybe some families can deal with one spouse not working hard in the professional realm but that wouldn’t fly with either of us.

You sound sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here and I am sympathetic to OP.

We can chirp all we want about equality but even though men and women are equal we are not the same. it's not a good dynamic for women to be pulling harder at work and making more money if the man isn't working at least as hard. OP said she was hoping to cut back, so he needs to step up.

It's obviously beyond obnoxious when the trolls here ask "did you get fat/stop putting out" but there is a less obnoxious truth that men are primarily attracted to looks and women to power and ambition. Each side can turn a blind eye to that dynamic at their own peril.

Agree with others need to see an actual budget but either way he needs to get motivated.

How is that "less obnoxious"? And although dcum often sounds like your "truth" I just don't generally see this in the real life people I know, and they actually do range from poor people to 1%-ers and above.

[Anonymous]

I am sure your husband doesn't feel great about losing his job. You seem to think he is losing his job to spite you and keep you from scaling back. I hardly think so.

Without knowing his profession/income, there is no way to know if your expectations are reasonable. Many people are in helping professions or in professions that just aren't as high paying but are very respectable and important jobs where they make a difference in the world. Not everyone is driven by money or status.

You also say you have sacrificed family - has he picked up those pieces? Has his job allowed more flexibility to do pick ups or drop off or sick days or snow days or to be home earlier. Are there any perks to the family of him not busting to move up the career ladder and also sacrifice family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

You realize getting pregnant and breastfeeding are both choices, right?

Not the PP you're responding to, but so is taking a high-paying job. You're acting like men are *forced* into this pressure. It's a choice. Nobody says you can't opt out and be a beach bum or work at McDonalds.

No, I think men have the choice to work high-paying, pressure filled jobs. Just like OP has that choice.

Sure she does. But when she does, it doesn't mean her complaints can fairly be shouted down with EQUALITY because she's also taken on the other things PP is referencing. The issue isn't that men should feel pressure and women shouldn't, it's that incels gloating when women are unhappy with "isn't this what you asked for? now things are equal!!" are missing a big part of the equation.

That said, OP has two choices: buckle down or step back. We can't change your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with you OP. DH and I both have “big” jobs and yeah, it’s a lot, but we both know the other is doing their best. DH would be horrified if I “scaled back.” Maybe some families can deal with one spouse not working hard in the professional realm but that wouldn’t fly with either of us.

Your post makes no sense when you first blame your husband but in reality its you wanting the big job. I feel sorry for your kids being raised by others as one parent will not scale back and make them a priority.