Is it rude to say 'You don't look old enough to have a 12-year-old'?

[Anonymous]

Twice men have said it to me at a college function where we all had college-aged children. Their wives were right there. It made me feel like they were slamming their wives and making me part of it. I didn't like it at all.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just genuine surprise.

I'm 53 with a 16 year old which I think is pretty normal, especially for the DC area. I live further south now where people tend to start their families on the earlier side. Women my age often have grown (30 something year old) children with grandchildren not that much younger than my youngest kid.

Some of the women LOOK young to have grown children and grandchildren. Some of the women look like old women already. Regardless of how they look, I think that 53 is pretty young to have a 30 year old child and tween/teenage grandchildren. I'm sure that they think that I'm old to still have teenagers at home. It's just a matter of perspective...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did have my kids young so when it gets told to me I don’t take it as a compliment. I take it as prying and a person trying to confirm what they suspect about the age I was when I had my kids.

Yes, I agree. My husband and his daughter's mom had her when they were college freshman. I am close in age to them, so when my husband, SD, and our younger son are out together, we get lots of prying questions. Since I don't blurt out that she's my SD, they are definitely implying that I was a teenage mom. MYOB, people!

[Anonymous]

When someone tells me I don’t look old enough to have a 36 year old (I do!) I take it as a compliment. My daughter is 34 and the mother of three and people some times think she is the nanny because she looks so young. I tell her that the leggings, tee shirt and baseball cap might be a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did have my kids young so when it gets told to me I don’t take it as a compliment. I take it as prying and a person trying to confirm what they suspect about the age I was when I had my kids.

Yes, I agree. My husband and his daughter's mom had her when they were college freshman. I am close in age to them, so when my husband, SD, and our younger son are out together, we get lots of prying questions. Since I don't blurt out that she's my SD, they are definitely implying that I was a teenage mom. MYOB, people!

I think they are just puzzled by the math. You are pushing 40 so it's not like people are scandalized to see you parenting tweens/teens. No one cares as much as you think they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's generally considered a compliment. BUT:

1. People in the DMV love to get offended by anything at all they can think of to be offended by

2. Some people are sensitive about looking young for their age

3. Some people don't know a compliment when they get one.

TLR: you're fine.

x100000

[Anonymous]

To take it as a compliment, you have to assume that

Looking young (because being young) is better than looking old/looking your age (because how dare women age, that's just gross)

There is an acceptable age for having children (and that is not young -- you probably got knocked up via unprotected premarital sex)

It's anyone else's business how well you're meeting the two standards above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's generally considered a compliment. BUT:

1. People in the DMV love to get offended by anything at all they can think of to be offended by

2. Some people are sensitive about looking young for their age

3. Some people don't know a compliment when they get one.

TLR: you're fine.

x100000

+ infinity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's generally considered a compliment. BUT:

1. People in the DMV love to get offended by anything at all they can think of to be offended by

2. Some people are sensitive about looking young for their age

3. Some people don't know a compliment when they get one.

TLR: you're fine.

x100000

+ infinity

++Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did have my kids young so when it gets told to me I don’t take it as a compliment. I take it as prying and a person trying to confirm what they suspect about the age I was when I had my kids.

Yes, I agree. My husband and his daughter's mom had her when they were college freshman. I am close in age to them, so when my husband, SD, and our younger son are out together, we get lots of prying questions. Since I don't blurt out that she's my SD, they are definitely implying that I was a teenage mom. MYOB, people!

I think they are just puzzled by the math. You are pushing 40 so it's not like people are scandalized to see you parenting tweens/teens. No one cares as much as you think they do.

If they don't care, why are they interrogating us in the produce section of Trader Joe's? It doesn't really bother me, but it makes my SD visibly uncomfortable. And that's not right. Get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

I had my son when I was 26 and am now 37. I get "Wow - YOU have a 10 year old?" a lot. It's somewhat complementary, but also just a reality of living in an area where most women "like me" -- which is to say white professional women -- have children in the 2nd half of their 30s. People expect I will have a toddler and/or preschooler, not a middle schooler.

I have certainly heard women of color say it is offensive to comment on young parent or grandparenthood, because it evokes images of pregnant teenagers of color, which is somewhat of a systemic reality in many communities and not worth dwelling on or speculating about.

Also have heard people point out that people often say to pre-middle-aged white women with a baby "Oh, so cute! Is it your first?" whereas to women of color they say "Oh, so cute! How many kids do you have?" implying/assuming that women of color have children much younger, which is offensive. I have observed this, and make it a point to treat everyone the same "Oh, so cute!" Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To take it as a compliment, you have to assume that

Looking young (because being young) is better than looking old/looking your age (because how dare women age, that's just gross)

There is an acceptable age for having children (and that is not young -- you probably got knocked up via unprotected premarital sex)

It's anyone else's business how well you're meeting the two standards above

You nailed it. It is the implication that looking your age is bad that really makes me mad.