Is it rude to say 'You don't look old enough to have a 12-year-old'?

[Anonymous]

I’ve generally found that most moms around here say this in a dismissive way. It took me a while to figure out that the other moms in my neighborhood weren’t including me in things because they basically thought I was a child myself. A mom got drunk at a school event and made some comment to me about how I must have had my kid at 20. It finally clicked at that point. And it’s not true, I was 30, which around here still does seem to be young from my experience.

[Anonymous]

People say this to me all the time. I had my first at 30, but look young.

I don’t acknowledge it as a compliment or an insult. I just inform them of my current age, 42, and say something generic like “well, I am” and move on.

[Anonymous]

I say thanks. But seriously I do not want to have a conversation with you about how my family was made and who is who.

[Anonymous]

Pure compliment!

[Anonymous]

I've gotten comments about looking young before and I found it annoying when I was young and great now that I'm older. LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it a lot and take it as a compliment.

Replace it with “college age student” and you’ve made my day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say thanks. But seriously I do not want to have a conversation with you about how my family was made and who is who.

Uhhh, I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the same degree of a compliment as saying you look too old to have a 12 year old. Comments about age and your perceptions of someone of that assumed age are generally not a good idea

Uh, no it is not the same thing at all. Not even close. Saying "Wow! You look too old to have a 12 year old!" Is NOT a compliment and really should never, under any circumstances, be said.

People usually won't say that someone "looks to old to have..." because they will just assume it's the grandparent, not the parent.

They don’t just assume, they ask, “Is that your grandchild?” Gee, thanks. But I just laugh it off and say I’m an old mom. Better than not being a mom at all!

Out of curiosity, is your hair gray?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it a lot and take it as a compliment.

Replace it with “college age student” and you’ve made my day.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Yes, rude.

“Wow, I didn’t think you were so old!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it a lot and take it as a compliment.

Even when the subtext is "So you got pregnant at 14?"

[Anonymous]

I had my first when I was 30 and I get that comment a lot. I was also recently carded at a bar (I'm 42 now). I don't like it. There's no non-awkward reply and, in a work context especially, the person is saying that I don't look like I could have accomplished much.

It's almost always a bad idea to comment on people's appearance.

[Anonymous]

Some people could be judged for just starting their families at a much more advanced age..i.e. too lazy to start earlier...couldn't have handled doing the parent/career thing all at once early on in career . If you have a career and a child and look younger than you are, it is because you are good at multitasking and were good at this earlier than most. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people could be judged for just starting their families at a much more advanced age..i.e. too lazy to start earlier...couldn't have handled doing the parent/career thing all at once early on in career . If you have a career and a child and look younger than you are, it is because you are good at multitasking and were good at this earlier than most. Good for you!

I don't think that anyone is arguing that "You don't look young enough to have a 12 year old" wouldn't be a worse thing to say.

[Anonymous]

I don’t take it as a compliment, nor do I get offended.

Had my first at 25, every person I meet seems shocked I have a 15 yr old. It gets annoying after a while. Not that they think I’m younger than I am, it’s their expectation for my response that’s annoying. I can only say, “ oh thanks, but I’m older than I look” so many times. Then they usually respond- “ no way, how old are you?” Other times I just point blank say “I’m 40” and I usually get “are you kidding me?”

This back and forth on repeat is what I can’t stand. Thank you if you think it’s a compliment, but understand that I may not take it as one.

-Brown woman of small stature.