What does being a good mom look like to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that lots of parents "love" their kids, even unconditionally. But being a good parent requires putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Being responsible and mature enough to do what is best for your child even when it's painful or difficult.

This keeps coming up. What does it mean? Putting their oxygen mask on first? Spending all resources on them instead of saving for retirement? Staying in abusive marriage? Who defines their needs? At 3 they think they need ipad and a 5 pound bag of candy. At 16 - a car and being able to drink to be with the "cool" crowd, etc.etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that lots of parents "love" their kids, even unconditionally. But being a good parent requires putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Being responsible and mature enough to do what is best for your child even when it's painful or difficult.

This keeps coming up. What does it mean? Putting their oxygen mask on first? Spending all resources on them instead of saving for retirement? Staying in abusive marriage? Who defines their needs? At 3 they think they need ipad and a 5 pound bag of candy. At 16 - a car and being able to drink to be with the "cool" crowd, etc.etc.

It means not partying every night at HH like you used to before having kids. It means not spending $500 at anthro every month and instead making sure there is food on the table and shoes on their feet.

No one said putting a child's wants against your own wishes and needs, they said that part of being a parent is putting their NEEDS first. Needs as defined as human needs which are actually fairly agreed upon by sociologists. There is a hierarchy of needs, physical needs are the most important (safe place to sleep, food to eat, place to bathe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs), then safety, living without fear of violence/danger or of becoming destitute or homeless. Then social needs like friendship and family, then self esteem and then self actualization. Parents should focus on meeting those needs. I don't think ipads or 5 pound bags of candy really fit in any categories there. Which is why some parents go hungry while their kids eat. Why I live in a suburb and go to Sam's club now instead of my walk able town home and my yoga studio subscription.

This is intuitive to anyone who understands it. Things like staying in a marriage you're unhappy in are where there is not necessarily a clear line. An abusive relationship you should leave FOR the children as much as yourself. One where you're just mad you're not getting laid every Tuesday? That is more complicated. Putting your kids needs above your own means that if your child is suffering in any of those need hierarchies, ESPECIALLY the first three, you need to focus on rectifying that before focusing much on yourself. Unless, and this is sometimes absolutely the case such as in an abusive household, you need to fix some of those needs in yourself in order to better help your child.

[Anonymous]

I think questioning yourself and your decisions, and feeling bad when you know you've f'd up, is a sign you're a good parent. I make mistakes every day and I am not the best mom in the world, but every single night I think about how I can do better tomorrow and how much I love my kids. And I try to make sure they know I love them with lots of affection and reassurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that lots of parents "love" their kids, even unconditionally. But being a good parent requires putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Being responsible and mature enough to do what is best for your child even when it's painful or difficult.

This keeps coming up. What does it mean? Putting their oxygen mask on first? Spending all resources on them instead of saving for retirement? Staying in abusive marriage? Who defines their needs? At 3 they think they need ipad and a 5 pound bag of candy. At 16 - a car and being able to drink to be with the "cool" crowd, etc.etc.

It means not partying every night at HH like you used to before having kids. It means not spending $500 at anthro every month and instead making sure there is food on the table and shoes on their feet.

No one said putting a child's wants against your own wishes and needs, they said that part of being a parent is putting their NEEDS first. Needs as defined as human needs which are actually fairly agreed upon by sociologists. There is a hierarchy of needs, physical needs are the most important (safe place to sleep, food to eat, place to bathe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs), then safety, living without fear of violence/danger or of becoming destitute or homeless. Then social needs like friendship and family, then self esteem and then self actualization. Parents should focus on meeting those needs. I don't think ipads or 5 pound bags of candy really fit in any categories there. Which is why some parents go hungry while their kids eat. Why I live in a suburb and go to Sam's club now instead of my walk able town home and my yoga studio subscription.

This is intuitive to anyone who understands it. Things like staying in a marriage you're unhappy in are where there is not necessarily a clear line. An abusive relationship you should leave FOR the children as much as yourself. One where you're just mad you're not getting laid every Tuesday? That is more complicated. Putting your kids needs above your own means that if your child is suffering in any of those need hierarchies, ESPECIALLY the first three, you need to focus on rectifying that before focusing much on yourself. Unless, and this is sometimes absolutely the case such as in an abusive household, you need to fix some of those needs in yourself in order to better help your child.

Thanks for the lecture. Assume it's not either food or shelter, or shoes on their feet. As in, all of material needs are met and you can still go and afford whatever your equivalent of Anthro is & can still go to whatever walkable yoga place you like. What then? Are you responsible for their friendships? Or self actualization (which is more of an adult thing, no?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that lots of parents "love" their kids, even unconditionally. But being a good parent requires putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Being responsible and mature enough to do what is best for your child even when it's painful or difficult.

This keeps coming up. What does it mean? Putting their oxygen mask on first? Spending all resources on them instead of saving for retirement? Staying in abusive marriage? Who defines their needs? At 3 they think they need ipad and a 5 pound bag of candy. At 16 - a car and being able to drink to be with the "cool" crowd, etc.etc.

It means not partying every night at HH like you used to before having kids. It means not spending $500 at anthro every month and instead making sure there is food on the table and shoes on their feet.

No one said putting a child's wants against your own wishes and needs, they said that part of being a parent is putting their NEEDS first. Needs as defined as human needs which are actually fairly agreed upon by sociologists. There is a hierarchy of needs, physical needs are the most important (safe place to sleep, food to eat, place to bathe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs), then safety, living without fear of violence/danger or of becoming destitute or homeless. Then social needs like friendship and family, then self esteem and then self actualization. Parents should focus on meeting those needs. I don't think ipads or 5 pound bags of candy really fit in any categories there. Which is why some parents go hungry while their kids eat. Why I live in a suburb and go to Sam's club now instead of my walk able town home and my yoga studio subscription.

This is intuitive to anyone who understands it. Things like staying in a marriage you're unhappy in are where there is not necessarily a clear line. An abusive relationship you should leave FOR the children as much as yourself. One where you're just mad you're not getting laid every Tuesday? That is more complicated. Putting your kids needs above your own means that if your child is suffering in any of those need hierarchies, ESPECIALLY the first three, you need to focus on rectifying that before focusing much on yourself. Unless, and this is sometimes absolutely the case such as in an abusive household, you need to fix some of those needs in yourself in order to better help your child.

Thanks for the lecture. Assume it's not either food or shelter, or shoes on their feet. As in, all of material needs are met and you can still go and afford whatever your equivalent of Anthro is & can still go to whatever walkable yoga place you like. What then? Are you responsible for their friendships? Or self actualization (which is more of an adult thing, no?)

You're not responsible for their friendships. You're responsible to be there for them when they need advice in their friendships. You're responsible for not modeling poor relationship choices in front of them which could cascade into a lifetime of bad decisions on their part. IE, don't let your husband walk all over you and expect your daughters to marry men who respect them.

You're responsible for giving them the tools to discover how good self actualization feels. You can start that when they're 1 on a playground and instead of helping them climb every obstacle you let them try and fail and fall and then triumph in their own accomplishments. Sometimes you want to save them from themselves but they need to both experience failure and have a safe place to recover when they feel sad about it. Teaching them about relationships and self esteem and how to feel proud of themselves for hard work put in to goals they achieve is absolutely what separates an acceptable parent from a great parent.

You're complaining about getting a lecture but have no idea how to try to help your kid in their friendships? I mean I'm not saying its easy to execute but it isn't hard to understand. The concept of realizing they have relationships apart from you and that there will be good relationships and bad relationships and how to position yourself as a trusted and constant and supportive adviser instead of someone who always has your hand on the rudder is hard, but it is, in some ways, more important than making sure your kid is never hungry for a day.