Reply to What does being a good mom look like to you?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that lots of parents "love" their kids, even unconditionally.  But being a good parent requires [b]putting your  child's needs ahead of your own[/b].  Being responsible and mature enough to do what is best for your child even when it's painful or difficult.  [/quote]

This keeps coming up. What does it mean? Putting their oxygen mask on first? Spending all resources on them instead of saving for retirement? Staying in abusive marriage? Who defines their needs? At 3 they think they need ipad and a 5 pound bag of candy. At 16 - a car and being able to drink to be with the "cool" crowd, etc.etc. [/quote]

It means not partying every night at HH like you used to before having kids. It means not spending $500 at anthro every month and instead making sure there is food on the table and shoes on their feet.

No one said putting a child's wants against your own wishes and needs, they said that part of being a parent is putting their NEEDS first. Needs as defined as human needs which are actually fairly agreed upon by sociologists. There is a hierarchy of needs, physical needs are the most important (safe place to sleep, food to eat, place to bathe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs), then safety, living without fear of violence/danger or of becoming destitute or homeless. Then social needs like friendship and family, then self esteem and then self actualization. Parents should focus on meeting those needs. I don't think ipads or 5 pound bags of candy really fit in any categories there. Which is why some parents go hungry while their kids eat. Why I live in a suburb and go to Sam's club now instead of my walk able town home and my yoga studio subscription.

This is intuitive to anyone who understands it. Things like staying in a marriage you're unhappy in are where there is not necessarily a clear line. An abusive relationship you should leave FOR the children as much as yourself. One where you're just mad you're not getting laid every Tuesday? That is more complicated. Putting your kids needs above your own means that if your child is suffering in any of those need hierarchies, ESPECIALLY the first three, you need to focus on rectifying that before focusing much on yourself. Unless, and this is sometimes absolutely the case such as in an abusive household, you need to fix some of those needs in yourself in order to better help your child. [/quote]

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