Encouraging my teen to get drivers license

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Pushing ANYONE to get behind the wheel of a car when they don't want to, is the height of insanity.

I think you do not have experience with kids who are anxious.

I had to push my child to learn to swim. It took years. It was a necessary skill.

I had to push my child to ride a bike. It didn't take too long once I pushed, but I had waited years for her to be interested on her own. She wouldn't have learned without the push.

I have to push her to get learners permit and then I will have to push her to do the practice driving. It is just the way she is. If you simply wait for some kids to want to do something, they will be ill-prepared for life.

And as for brains not being fully developed until people are 25. Ummm.... how's that going to work out to try to teach a 25 yr old to drive? At that point, they are really self conscious about the fact that they don't know how to drive (realizing that most everyone else does), then they pay for a driving school (when they have a full time job???), and they have very little experience driving when they are in a job that requires them to take the company/gov. car to go do something??? I mean c'mon, man! (channelling Biden here).

Some kids simply have zero confidence and need to be pushed a bit to see that they CAN do something. As I always say -- true CONFIDENCE comes from COMPETENCE. So, as my kid sees that she can answer a good number of the permit questions right, she gains confidence that she can pass the written test. And then when she does that, we will start slow to give her confidence in doing small driving in open spaces. She CAN do it! She just doesn't believe she can. So, I have to break it down and push her to believe in herself. So, no, this isn't "insanity." It's called teaching. And it's called parenting the child you have.

Completely disagree. Would love to hear your kid's view on this.

Given how she reacted the moment she learned to do other things that were hard and that she resisted (i.e. the swimming and the bike riding), I'm expecting her to literally do a happy dance once she gets it. Both of those accomplishments were sources of pride after years of resistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was extremely anxious about driving as a teen, and my 14 year old is terrified of it.

You can push, but please realize that if he's anxious, he'll take a lot more time to feel comfortable behind the wheel than a regular young person and it will impact his driving skills. It took me YEARS.

PP, addressing anxiety looks very different from allowing a child to stay in denial about a task, and to completely avoid it. It's important not to conflate the two.

I hated driving from the time I learned until I was maybe 35. Now I'm inured.

My mom thought I was ridiculous. I thought who the hell cares if I like it or not as long as I do it when I have to? She was not helpful.

Be nice about the anxiety. Maybe just start with forcing the permit test (written) and hold off on the rest until you've provided tons of parking lot practice (7 am at a community college works). Don't ask them to power through the anxiety, but maybe just incorporate a legit fear into the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was extremely anxious about driving as a teen, and my 14 year old is terrified of it.

You can push, but please realize that if he's anxious, he'll take a lot more time to feel comfortable behind the wheel than a regular young person and it will impact his driving skills. It took me YEARS.

PP, addressing anxiety looks very different from allowing a child to stay in denial about a task, and to completely avoid it. It's important not to conflate the two.

I hated driving from the time I learned until I was maybe 35. Now I'm inured.

My mom thought I was ridiculous. I thought who the hell cares if I like it or not as long as I do it when I have to? She was not helpful.

Be nice about the anxiety. Maybe just start with forcing the permit test (written) and hold off on the rest until you've provided tons of parking lot practice (7 am at a community college works). Don't ask them to power through the anxiety, but maybe just incorporate a legit fear into the process.

I'm the immediately PP -- yes, I completely agree! I'm pushing the permit test b/c she isn't in school during the summer, so she doesn't have the excuse of "I have homework and spend all day in school!" Of course, I plan to take it VERY slow with this kid. Literally, just having her sit in the drivers seat in the driveway and turn on the car = lesson #1. Lesson #2 will be in a big parking lot -- probably her elementary school when no one is there -- it's a place she associates with good memories! etc. We'll be in a parking lot for weeks if not months. Slow and steady progress....but I'm not letting this go until she's 22 (or older!) She's going to learn little by little.

[Anonymous]

I've got a DD who has diagnosed anxiety. On top of that, she's got an eye condition that makes her unable to look to the side (she has to move her head to the side to see out of the side). We live in Los Angeles which is traffic hell. She did not want to learn to drive.

She now drives and is very confident. I got her private lessons--CA requires 6 hours, I think. I got her about 20 hours, and they practiced freeways at rush hour, and to/from school every which way, and driving in the dark. The only thing she didn't get to practice was driving in the rain because of lack of real weather.

I'm embarrassed to say that I have no eye condition, have been driving for 35+ years, am a good driver, and she's better than me. If your kid is anxious...get them someone good to help them!

At first we had some horrid woman and my DD doubled down on not learning. Then I found her a woman who had a psychology degree. She was great. It made all the difference.

The other thing that made a HUGE difference is to get a program where they pick up the kids from their home. That way you are not driving them to the center--that is really hard, because you have to nag them to be ready, then they are anxious on the way over...it's all this anxiety building up, whereas if they are at home, they are chillin' in front of the TV and then hop up and walk out to the car. Also, choose a program that allows two hours per session (not one) because you really don't get far out of your driveway with only one hour.

So here in CA, the AAA program was one hour and you had to drive your teen to the AAA place. So although in general, I'm a fan of AAA, I'm not recommending them for this program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too anxious to drive? Sweet mother of jesus what are we becoming? Can you imagine any member of the greatest generation saying they were too nervous to drive. You are not helping your kids by indulging this nonsense.

The greatest generation weren’t learning in 2019 DMV traffic with MD drivers yelling at them.

That said OP, my kid had like 3 behind the wheel hours 10 months after he got his learners permit and was literally refusing to leave the parking lot and drive on a street. So, I signed him up for behind the wheel through ACE, dropped him at the flagpole and the high school and drove away. Turns out the time behind the wheel with a professional instructor did, in fact, jump start his driving, and we were able to knock the rest of the hours out after that. It wasn’t a perfect solution though. He really didn’t have enough practice to get enough out of BTW, and he was not proficient enough to be certified at the end. So we hand to complete his hours over the next few months and re schedule and pay to retest later.

If I had it to do over, I would use the same basic approach, with a twist. There are driving schools that will do all 45 hours with your kid if you will pay for it. (So, so tempting). I would probably do the piece in the parking lot with him, and then hire a driving school to do the first 5-10 of actual on the road, in traffic hours. Just to get him started, with appointments he had to keep and a professional who wasn’t as anxious as I was, and that he would be less willing to argue with. Presented as will be done or every electronic device you have is gone. And then do the rest myself, and official BTW at the end, when it is most beneficial.

Thanks for this advice, PP.

I was a PP whose DD wasn't interested instudying for a learners permit. Got her to study. She passed. Got her in the car and moving for the first time. Quickly realized that I don't know how to teach driving very well. I think the plan you laid out is a good one. I will continue to work with DD on basic use of the vehicle, but then I'm turning to a driving instructor for 5 or so lessons. I never realized how uncomfortable I would be with my physical safety in my 15 yr old's hands! Scary.

[Anonymous]

NP. I hate the way Va arranges driving licensing. They expect parents to teach all the behind the wheel skills and get 45 hours of practice before doing 5 days in a row of behind the wheel with the 5th day being the test. I’m not qualified to teach driving and I find it very scary to ride around with my kid. I looked into a la carte lessons with a private company and they want $189/hour!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I hate the way Va arranges driving licensing. They expect parents to teach all the behind the wheel skills and get 45 hours of practice before doing 5 days in a row of behind the wheel with the 5th day being the test. I’m not qualified to teach driving and I find it very scary to ride around with my kid. I looked into a la carte lessons with a private company and they want $189/hour!

I know, right?

When I was a kid, and the same with my husband, the classroom and behind the wheel training was put on by the school system (either on Saturdays during the school year, or weekdays during the summer). Our parents did some driving with us, but mostly, it was the driving instructor who taught us all the steps and processes (look left, then hand over hand, then accelerate... etc.). Our parents didn't teach us that stuff. The school system provided the instructors.

As this is my first teen, I wasn't aware of what people generally do. (what would I do without DCUM??)

I figured I was capable to teaching my child to drive since VA sets it up that we parents ensure they have 45 hrs. Literally within the first 5 min. of driving practice in a parking lot, I realized that I am not prepared to give those step by step instructions. And I'm also not very comfortable being with an beginning driver. I will buck up on that one. As for the former, I don't know the best way to progressively teach skills. I found myself doing things for my teen (like looking behind when I wanted her to go in reverse) b/c it is just instinctual for me. I forgot to tell HER to look over her right shoulder before reversing. And then I had some vague memory of doing a "hand over hand" thing to turn. I don't think about that -- I just DO IT when I drive. Teaching driving is definitely a different skill set than actually driving.

I wish someone -- Dept. of Motor Veh. or the school system or someone would have been more proactive in saying describing the need to sign your kid up for in car drivers lessons from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop driving him places.

Do. Op already said she doesn't drive him. He uses the bus. I think learning to drive is important but not as important to teens today. Kids just don't see it tied to independence and frankly if he is going on the bus he is independent.

My dd is 18 and just now learning tut o drive, same age as me. She will be fine and so will your son. He isn't interested so I would drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too anxious to drive? Sweet mother of jesus what are we becoming? Can you imagine any member of the greatest generation saying they were too nervous to drive. You are not helping your kids by indulging this nonsense.

Totally agree that the kid needs to get the license. But I would imagine that many people of the generation you mention had anxiety about many things. They repressed it, became alcoholics, and croaked at an early age.

Because those are the choices - indulge nonsense or die of alcoholism. Come on. Teach the selves to pull themselves together and just drive. They are going to CVS not to Mars. Everyone is anxious about things all the time. You can choose to hide from it or move forward.

Dp. My kid can walk to CVS therby keeping one car off the street. I do too btw.

[Anonymous]

Three of mine got their licenses at 15 in a state where it was legal for 15 year olds to drive with restrictions. My other two got theirs at 16. It was non-negotiable in our home. When my kids left for college they had several years of driving experience. No way would I have allowed them to opt out of driving.

[Anonymous]

Those who children are afraid to drive, I blame you. You aren't putting in the time to teach them. They first learn in an empty parking lot. And it's boring. Oddly boring and very stressful. And it take up lots and lots of your time. And then you have to find a wide street that isn't busy. And that may have to be at a very inconvenient hour. Because that's the only time when it's not busy. It's all very inconvenient. And it's what parenting is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those who children are afraid to drive, I blame you. You aren't putting in the time to teach them. They first learn in an empty parking lot. And it's boring. Oddly boring and very stressful. And it take up lots and lots of your time. And then you have to find a wide street that isn't busy. And that may have to be at a very inconvenient hour. Because that's the only time when it's not busy. It's all very inconvenient. And it's what parenting is about.

I think it is good to have some fear about driving. You have the power to actually kill someone.m. My kids were't interested in driving. It was not like my dh who lived in ct and needed a car to get anywhere. My kids have. Metro. Buses. Scooters, and their feet.

Cars and driving are slowly going to be in the past. I know adults who don't have their liscence and yet are livkng great lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three of mine got their licenses at 15 in a state where it was legal for 15 year olds to drive with restrictions. My other two got theirs at 16. It was non-negotiable in our home. When my kids left for college they had several years of driving experience. No way would I have allowed them to opt out of driving.

You sound lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should be expected Op. Learning to drive is a needed adult skill. Expect it. It's part of your responsibility, as the parent, to see that it happens and see that he learns well and is a good driver.

Well, not so much needed anymore. Especially in big cities. If public transportation can’t get you there, Lyft and Uber can. It comes at a cost but so does insuring a teenager to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three of mine got their licenses at 15 in a state where it was legal for 15 year olds to drive with restrictions. My other two got theirs at 16. It was non-negotiable in our home. When my kids left for college they had several years of driving experience. No way would I have allowed them to opt out of driving.

You sound lazy.

On what planet????

Fwiw if you want to travel off the beaten path around the world you are going to need to be in a car to get there a lot of the time. If you hire a driver that's fine but wouldn't you want the ability to get yourself into and out of great experiences if needed? It's a life skill