DS’s friend’s dad only wants to hang out with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why everyone is concluding that this guy doesn't like spending time with his own family? Clearly it's that he doesn't like OP and her bratty kids. Also, it's normal to want adult time with your own friends. Not everyone likes to socialize in a group -- much less with a bunch of kids and spouses around.

+1. Here's what's going on. This guy has spent the last 10 years gradually having friends drift away because he and his friends have all been more and more focused on their families. He's met a few other dads through school and kids' activities, but finally really "clicks" with OP's DH as a friend. So he wants to do what friends do, find some time to hang out, especially because he's going through a rough patch in his marriage and could use another sane dude to talk to without the combined total of 6 kids running around. He loves his own family, is lukewarm on OP's brood, and in any event "more time around kids" is not the missing ingredient from his life. The guy would rather that he and OP's DH grab a bite, but dinners are family time, so he proposes a drink after dinner at 9pm. This being DCUM, OP exaggerates it to 11pm for dramatic effect. DCUM commenters get a hold of it, and suddenly OP's DH's friend is on the DL, hates his family, is getting a divorce, and only ever wants to go clubbing at 1am.

Seriously, guys. I know the mantra of DCUM is "if it makes you feel good or is something you want to do, then you're a bad parent," but it's really ok to want to grab a drink with a friend. OP, if your husband doesn't want to, he should say "no." If he wants to and it's something only occasional, he should say "yes" and you should let him. He should give you the same courtesy next time you want to gossip over a gimlet with the girls.

This. I'm a mom, but you explain exactly. "Even more time around kids" (including your crazy kids that you let destroy my house) is not what is missing in my life at this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t really see a problem with this. If they’re going out after the kids are in bed, isn’t everyone still getting “family time”?

If your husband doesn’t want to go, he can decline, but I also don’t see what your issue is with the other guy inviting only your DH. Just because the school is the way you met / common thread, doesn’t mean that it can be the only thread.

DH and I have a group of friends that he met at work. The families come over often, but often the women leave early with the kids, and the guys hang out in our backyard for hours later, having a few drinks and talking business. I usually pour them some more wine, bring them some shooters and snacks, bow out with DD early, and she and I go do something fun. I think it’s great that DH has friends that he can just chill with. I think men have as much trouble forming friendships as women do, and it’s important that they also get tome to decompress from family time now and again.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, so try to be flexible and give them an out to socialize if they get along.

I see from your posts that you’re a SAHP, and I see that you haven’t bonded with their nanny. Is it possible that you’re a little jealous that the men have forged a friendship outside of children? Being home can feel isolating sometimes.

Op here. The last thing I am is jealous of their friendship.

The reason they were previously separated is because the dad cheated. The dad openly insults his wife and wife’s family. He opts out of his own family outings, will choose not to go on a weekend trip with his wife and kids and then ask my DH to go out.

My kids are actually very well behaved. Dad and mom both have commented how well behaved my children are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don’t really see a problem with this. If they’re going out after the kids are in bed, isn’t everyone still getting “family time”?

If your husband doesn’t want to go, he can decline, but I also don’t see what your issue is with the other guy inviting only your DH. Just because the school is the way you met / common thread, doesn’t mean that it can be the only thread.

DH and I have a group of friends that he met at work. The families come over often, but often the women leave early with the kids, and the guys hang out in our backyard for hours later, having a few drinks and talking business. I usually pour them some more wine, bring them some shooters and snacks, bow out with DD early, and she and I go do something fun. I think it’s great that DH has friends that he can just chill with. I think men have as much trouble forming friendships as women do, and it’s important that they also get tome to decompress from family time now and again.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, so try to be flexible and give them an out to socialize if they get along.

I see from your posts that you’re a SAHP, and I see that you haven’t bonded with their nanny. Is it possible that you’re a little jealous that the men have forged a friendship outside of children? Being home can feel isolating sometimes.

Op here. The last thing I am is jealous of their friendship.

The reason they were previously separated is because the dad cheated. The dad openly insults his wife and wife’s family. He opts out of his own family outings, will choose not to go on a weekend trip with his wife and kids and then ask my DH to go out.

My kids are actually very well behaved. Dad and mom both have commented how well behaved my children are.

DP. And?

When exactly is the problem? You don't like the guy, so you want to control your DH's friendships?

[Anonymous]

I actually don’t mind the guy. We get along.

I have a problem with how much my husband works. That is a different topic though.

I’m very social. I go out way more than DH does. Majority of my friends and I get kids together most of the time and of course enjoy moms only nights as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty normal for a parent to want to socialize with other adults, without their kids in tow. I know I do, and I’m a mom.

Of course. I love hanging out with my girlfriends.

This is a friend from school though. Our mutual connection is our child.

So if your mutual connection was knitting you could only do knitting related events? Or talk about yarn? It is ok to meet people in one context and like them and want to expand your context - so meet via your kids but hang out socially as adults with no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t mind the guy. We get along.

I have a problem with how much my husband works. That is a different topic though.

I’m very social. I go out way more than DH does. Majority of my friends and I get kids together most of the time and of course enjoy moms only nights as well.

Then why can't your Dh have a "dads only night out?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t mind the guy. We get along.

I have a problem with how much my husband works. That is a different topic though.

I’m very social. I go out way more than DH does. Majority of my friends and I get kids together most of the time and of course enjoy moms only nights as well.

So there's no problem at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t mind the guy. We get along.

I have a problem with how much my husband works. That is a different topic though.

I’m very social. I go out way more than DH does. Majority of my friends and I get kids together most of the time and of course enjoy moms only nights as well.

So there's no problem at all.

The question was do some dads just not do play dates. Answer is yes.

I thought people would respond how guys don’t do play dates with guy friends the way moms do. DH said guys don’t do this. DH has never done a play date. He would rather hang out with kids alone. I thought this situation could and would be different since the boys are so close AND dads are also friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty normal for a parent to want to socialize with other adults, without their kids in tow. I know I do, and I’m a mom.

Of course. I love hanging out with my girlfriends.

This is a friend from school though. Our mutual connection is our child.

So? I have also met people through my kids. It doesn't mean that's the only reason I'd like to see them though. Can you really not understand that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The drinks at 11pm would be a firm no-go for my husband. He will meet a guy friend for a cocktail after work sometimes - maybe once or twice a month.

But after dinner? No.

Seriously? You don't let your husband out of the house after dinner? That is so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has way better things to do than hang out with parents of our kids’ friends sans kids, let alone losing sleep to do it. Frankly, he sounds ridiculous.

My husband is going on a guy's trip with dads he knows through our kids. They all genuinely like each other and spend time both with and without the kids. The moms and I do the same. I'm not one to go out at 11 pm because I go to bed early, but I don't understand why you all think this is so weird. You do understand that people do things differently than you, yes? And that that doesn't make them ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has way better things to do than hang out with parents of our kids’ friends sans kids, let alone losing sleep to do it. Frankly, he sounds ridiculous.

DH already works a ton and has a lot of work related or alumni type events in the evenings he already often declines.

My peeve with this guy is that our kids are good friends. The mom actually always says my son is her son’s best friend.

OP, who cares if your kids are friends? People are allowed to do things without their kids. At least, most people are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t mind the guy. We get along.

I have a problem with how much my husband works. That is a different topic though.

I’m very social. I go out way more than DH does. Majority of my friends and I get kids together most of the time and of course enjoy moms only nights as well.

So there's no problem at all.

+1

Or, what really is the problem, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want him to take DH away from family time, yet you are fixated on the late night drinks. At least that isn’t family time!

+1

It seems like the guy is trying to be more respectful of "family time" by doing it when the kids are in bed. Would you have less of a problem with it, OP, if he wanted your Dh to go out for drinks around 7 pm (bath, story, and bed time?)

I think it's generally healthy for men to have "guy time" with some buddies and women to have "girl time" with some girlfriends, away from the spouses and kids. It seems like this is what the guy is trying to do; he's just looking for a buddy.

Didn't you read? OP doesn't let her husband out after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why everyone is concluding that this guy doesn't like spending time with his own family? Clearly it's that he doesn't like OP and her bratty kids. Also, it's normal to want adult time with your own friends. Not everyone likes to socialize in a group -- much less with a bunch of kids and spouses around.

NP. Do you people not read?

From the OP:

"I feel somewhat insulted but then DH told me it is because he doesn’t like HIS wife and kids, not because of me and our kids."

Yeah, OP, it's not you, it's his own family...