If your kids listen and participate in family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not PC to say it, but be around for your kids more often.

If you're not around them all that much and schedule every minute of their time away from you at camp or whatever, then you cannot expect to instill "family life" and familial expectations (chores, participation, conversation, etc.) on a vacation. It just doesn't work that way. You need to a presence in their lives.

Go ahead, flame away. It's the cold, hard truth.

+1

We have a very peaceful existence, because we are home together a lot.

This does not work for everyone though. I'm an introvert. I came home from work Friday and didn't leave my house until Monday morning and was perfectly happy. My DD is an extrovert and would go stir crazy if she didn't get out of the house every day. Even when she's sick she'll ask to go for a short walk or something.

PP here and I didn’t mean literally at home. I meant “together”. Hiking, museums, playgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding chores, I echo what PPs have said about starting them early and making them part of the routine. That makes a huge difference.

Re: the electronics, start as late as possible and with very clear and strict guidelines, like never at the table, never in the car, never in social groups, etc. (your details may very). The consequence for breaking the rule is to get it taken away for a period of time. Again, making this routine right from the beginning is a big help. Also set the example by not being on your device when your kids are around.

With respect to being involved in family life, I think it helps to routinely do fun things together, like playing games, going to the movies, etc - even once the kids are older.

These are my lessons learned. I think other PPs have some good ones, too.

My kids are older -- in HS, college and grad school -- and I feel lucky that electronics weren't such a huge part of their childhood. It's so much harder for parents of younger kids now. I see a big difference in terms of the presence of the online world even with my nieces and nephews who are just a few years younger than my youngest child. I would also echo what some PPs have said -- that might have been just a tough week for that family. That can happen with any family. Recently, we had dinner with neighbors whose family I think of as a model of cooperation and warmth and respect, but, that night there was a lot of bickering among the kids -- possibly because they had visiting cousins, so the balance was a bit off. That might have been what you were seeing on your vacation, OP.

That said, though, I do think there are differences in family culture. The post above gives some good ideas for creating a culture of cooperation. Chores are a part of that, yes, but I'd also work to establish an "all hands on deck" style where everyone pitches in even if that means going beyond routine chores. So, for example, parents say, "Hey, if we want to hit the beach before it's too crowded, then everybody's got to be working together to make breakfast, get the kitchen cleaned up, pack what we need for the day, etc." I think this helps kids feel like they're part of a team, rather than just minions. (Credit here to my dad, who was a USNA grad and pediatrician.)

I would also really emphasize having fun together -- and would simply add that it's important to ask kids what they'd like to do, rather than just expecting them to fall in line with what parents have planned. On our vacations we would try to work things out so that everyone -- including each parent -- could choose one activity that everyone else would participate in without grumbling. (This has the added benefit of giving parents an opportunity to set an example of tolerance and cooperation as some of us who are not fans of baseball games, theme parks and superhero movies may be required to participate in those outings before requiring others to attend the opera, ballet and musicals other than Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen.

[Anonymous]

This focus on happily doing chores is silly IMO. Why should kids happily do chores? Chores are annoying. I don't happily do chores and I certainly don't expect it from my kids. I ask them to do things and give them time frames to do it, but I do not expect my teens to be cheerful bland robots. If they grumble, fine. I grumble too about chores. Sometimes they roll their eyes or whatever, because they are teens and not always great at managing emotions; most of the time I remain calm, sometimes I lose it and then try to do better. If OP was at my house on one of the grumbling days, she would probably judge or whatever she does. We also don't live any sort of 1950s imaginary life. We both work, kids have electronics that I monitor but don't restrict too much so long as they've exercised and sometimes not even that. It sounds like OP would be horrified.

But we are very close. My teens are constantly giving me hugs. We genuinely like to spend time with each other. I mean, sometimes they are on my every last nerve, but you know what? I am probably on their last nerves too.

Also, while my family has SNs, we are enormously fortunate that none of the teens have mental illness or emotional disability. This is luck, and I am deeply appreciative (all the while understanding that it could change). I think some teens that seem disengaged are in truth struggling with mental illness and they and their families are doing.the best they can.

The judging in this thread is ... something else. There is no formula for kids. You get what you get, and you manage and sometimes it is sublime. If you wanted unemotional robots, well, best of luck to you.