Just Completed Disastrous Freshman Year - Please Help find a new school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have an undermotivated son who just finished his freshman year at a W school. I sympathize with you a lot. My son is a wonderful kid, fairly mature with a good group of friends who are on the geeky side of the social spectrum. He has been told for several years that he has to take ownership of his education if he is going to have options for college and beyond, but he just doesn't like school and he struggles with getting his work done. He doesn't have any diagnosis or accommodations.

I can only tell you what has worked for us: intense parental oversight and engagement. My husband monitors MyMCPS like it's his heartrate. We found tutors for 2 subjects, one of whom will review his overall workload. We also do a weekly meeting with DS, sometimes twice weekly near the end of a quarter, to go over what tests or other big assignments are coming up, including going through his binder for forgotten assignments etc. We'll drill him for tests or give him feedback on a big essay. We've had to encourage DS to learn to advocate for himself - ask about a bad or missing grade, which on his own he would never do. Electronics are the downfall here, but we've resorted to taking them away when grades are rocky. It hasn't had to happen much.

It's not a perfect system, and it takes a ton of effort. We both work and have younger kids, and sometimes it feels like a big pain that I have to have room in my head to remind my kid to study for an upcoming 9th grade biology test. And there are some teachers who wait till the end of the quarter to post grades which makes it tough to monitor. But there's no doubt in my mind that this oversight helped our DS keep a solid GPA in honors classes. And we see modest signs of progress, that he's more invested in doing well now that he sees he's capable of it and that he's doing a mildly better job of managing his workload on his own. He hates our monitoring etc but over this year he went along with it more easily and by the end would willingly do homework or study on the weekends, something that used to be impossible. Hopefully he'll continue to inch forward over the next 3 years.

I don't know if this kind of intervention would have avoided such a tough outcome for your son. But I notice your post seems to lay the blame at the feet of the teachers and the school, and since you mention that you're not from here I wanted to point out that in any big MCPS HS (even a "good" one like a W) the classes are large, many kids are highly self-motivated, and it's easy for a slacker to fall between the cracks. Your complaint that "there's no support or accountability" in the school is understandable, but it's not entirely fair - if you or your son were pushing for help, you'd get it. But unfortunately given the size etc teachers aren't tracking down the parents of every HS freshman who is goofing off. You have the tools to follow his assignments and submitted work via the parent portal -- use them! I wish it weren't the case, but the upside is that if you get and stay involved, you may be able avoid a repeat of this year's problems.

Thanks for the advice and we have tried some of the things that have worked for you but they did not work for us. Our DS would not sit with us and go through a review of his grades. He gets angry whenever we bring up the subject of grades or missing assignment. We reviewed myMCPS often and questioned him about missing assignments and we would get lies about the status. He refuses to accept any help we have offered to help review homework or study for tests. I'm glad it is working for you but did not work for us.

If this is the case regular private schools will be a waste of money. Even boarding schools for LD kids may not have the patience for this behavior. Have you considered something like military school? A friends kid had a good experience at Valley Forge.

[Anonymous]

I hope you find a better school situation OP. Wherever you go I would hire an executive function and homework coach. Start with the Chesapeake Center.

[Anonymous]

This is EXACTLY why a private can work. The teachers have time to do all these things. Many teens chafe at parental involvement but will want to please a kind, caring teacher who is able to gently prod a kid along without the baggage of family dynamics. I really encourage you to look at Field. They do a great job with kids who hate school.

[Anonymous]

I have a MS student and have to do what is described above. He also gets angry and resists. Tough! Here's what I would do. Over the summer, you sit down and outline your school management plan. You explain that if he is unwilling to let you supervise/show you his actual work, he will loose his phone and/or you will not take him to his sports practice. Explain that your goal is not to punish him but to help him learn to manage these things on his own. You'll re-evaluate how much supervision is required each quarter.

[Anonymous]

And document the agreement about what type of supervision he must allow and post it in your kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you find a better school situation OP. Wherever you go I would hire an executive function and homework coach. Start with the Chesapeake Center.

Here are some other EF coaches:


-Julie Bulitt, LCSW-C Organizational Skills [e-mail] 301-509-1505

-Lisa Bernstein, LCSW Organizational Coaching, Cognitive/Behavioral Therapist & Coach [e-mail] 301-590-0115

-Lynn Long & Associates Educational Consultant [e-mail] 301-251-9622

-Nina Hagan Executive Functioning Skills 301-332-9259

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you find a better school situation OP. Wherever you go I would hire an executive function and homework coach. Start with the Chesapeake Center.

Here are some other EF coaches:


-Julie Bulitt, LCSW-C Organizational Skills [e-mail] 301-509-1505

-Lisa Bernstein, LCSW Organizational Coaching, Cognitive/Behavioral Therapist & Coach [e-mail] 301-590-0115

-Lynn Long & Associates Educational Consultant [e-mail] 301-251-9622

-Nina Hagan Executive Functioning Skills 301-332-9259

The advantage of these coaches -- assuming that the child doesn't have challenges with the material, but rather struggles with focus and organization -- is that they take the parent/child battle off the table.

It's totally normal developmentally for a teen to push away parents and not want their help. Children with ADHD are also in many ways ~2 years behind in cognitive development than their peers. So your kid has all the hormones and defiance of a 9th/10th grader, but maturity and organization skills of a 7th grader. It is really frustrating for all.

I think it's worth a try, even if you change to a school with more individualized attention.

[Anonymous]

I posted about my DS upthread, but one piece of advice we got somewhat late in the game, but was so crucial, was to forge as much connection with your DS outside of the school situation as possible. Frame your thinking as he is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time and then connect with him in every other way. For my DS, this was through food (he was always willing to go out to eat with me and we would talk about anything BUT school - let him talk about WHATEVER he wants), DH would watch basketball with him whenever possible, and I would listen to rap music (which I hate, but he loves) whenever we were in the car together. Those connections are what will see you through the other side of this. (And I know - incredibly hard when there is so much stress and conflict in the picture.)

[Anonymous]

OP, you have some great advice here. Do the coaches it will change your life and don’t be stressed if you start with one and have to change to another. You DS is my DS. We were in the exact same boat BUT at a private. I spent so much time trying to work with the school to put guardrails in place. But he lied so much— I actually had to have the teacher send me a picture of him working with the teacher to know it was happening because he would say he did and didn’t. I can’t tell you how many nights I was awake worried about him.

What worked for us was: meds check with doctor. Added in Zoloft to concerts which made a huge difference his attitude. Coach to remove the nagging by us.

It wasn’t immediate but sophomore year was a bit better. Junior year he got his shit together and senior year he didn’t need the coach any longer. There were bumps but with supports and a bit more maturity it came together.

One thing to mention to him (and not yell at him when he is fighting with you) is that you want to help him and are here to help him. You know this is hard for him and are willing to work with him to see what he needs. As a PP said, try to connect with him on something outside of school. I can’t tell you how many show of random bands at 9:30 Club and Songbyrd Cafe I have gone to because he wanted to go. That was how/where I could connect with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank for the last couple of posts. Great tips and advice that I hope to implement.

Question on EF Coach - how often do the student normally meet with the coach and is it a visit in-house or at their offices?

[Anonymous]

This kid needs a lot more than a new school. He needs a complete evaluation by a mental health professional and intense intervention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank for the last couple of posts. Great tips and advice that I hope to implement.

Question on EF Coach - how often do the student normally meet with the coach and is it a visit in-house or at their offices?

Setting varies but I personally think home works best as a piece of the work is usually setting up systems that work at home. Usually the coach meets with the student more at first (2-3 days a week, perhaps some via Skype). A big part of it is building a relationship and helping the student find their own systems for getting work done, then helping adjust when things don't work. It's a process.

I would also strongly consider a behavioral therapist as well (to listen, help ensure depression isn't part of the problem) and checking in with your child's psychiatrist to see if the ADHD medication needs to be adjusted or changed. Both medication type and dosages may need to be adjusted as your kid grows.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a MS student and have to do what is described above. He also gets angry and resists. Tough! Here's what I would do. Over the summer, you sit down and outline your school management plan. You explain that if he is unwilling to let you supervise/show you his actual work, he will loose his phone and/or you will not take him to his sports practice. Explain that your goal is not to punish him but to help him learn to manage these things on his own. You'll re-evaluate how much supervision is required each quarter.

Interventionist PP here, this is us exactly. Our kid HATES the oversight too. And he is prone to misrepresenting where things stand at times. He just knows he has no choice in the matter and any BS will be caught. We would take away all electronics if that was necessary to get him to go along with this. And we've told him that it will stop as soon as he has all As and never misses a homework assignment.

Our being consistent on this is a big thing - he knows his dad is watching the portal like a hawk so he can't get away with blowing things off. He's also realized that stupid things can have a big impact on a grade: missing one homework isn't a big deal, except in a class w/only 2 HW assignments that quarter, which means his quarter grade for the class was brought down by a D on HW.

Another suggestion - take a look at the grading rubric whenever possible. That way if we review something he's getting ready to submit, we can remind him of the criteria (e.g., cite 3 sources on an essay.)

Finally it's been a learning curve figuring out how best to keep him on track. We tried different things in middle school when we realized he was not doing well; we even tried zero oversight for one quarter, to see if he might step up to the plate on his own. The weekly meetings and watching the parent portal seems to have worked, especially because he feels good about having done well this year (let me be clear here, I don't mean off the charts well, but very respectable overall.)

I gotta say, this doesn't come naturally to me. I was good at school and I'm the "easy" parent and I hate having to police my kid's academic work. But I figure this is the hard part of being a responsible parent. My younger kid won't need any of this intervention because he's naturally driven and competitive. But he's needed intensive parenting at other times and will probably be a nightmare for other reasons as a teenager. So I count my blessings that my 15yo "only" needs us to be his task masters about school work!



Coaches or tutors are also a great idea. Our DS struggles with math and has had a math tutor for years, even when the math wasn't beyond our competence - he just learned better when it was coming from someone else. And ther

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS just completed 9th grade at a W HS and it has been a complete and utter disaster from an academic perspective. He is completely unmotivated and does not complete projects and homework. There has been no support or accountability from the school. He failed three classes that he will have to repeat and will end up with a 1.57 GPA for the year.
He just refuses to do the work or lies and says it has been completed and that the teacher has not entered the grade yet. None of his teachers or counselors ever reached out to us or him to ask if there was a problem or if they could help in anyway.
We have tried tutors with no success. He does have ADHD and a 504 plan.

We think it is time for a change of scenery for him.

Any suggestions on schools that might be a fit for him where he will get more attention and not have the option of not completing assignments.

We are new to this area so not familiar with all of the schools in the area. We want to spend our money wisely and not just pay the private school tuition to have the same results.

Thanks

I think you know your son is the problem, not the school, but are in denial. You are *almost* able to admit it. For all you know, his teachers constantly emailed/sent Remind101 texts, sent google classroom notifications and messages, and stopped him in person and he was defiant and defensive and oppositional. You weren't there, all you have to go on is the word of a 14 year old boy who you already admitted lied all year. Work on him, a therapist and a 504. Try to learn that the school system isn't this evil monster out to attack you and your precious kid.

[Anonymous]

If your son likes school socially, staying in that school could be a motivator. If you look at other options and pick 2 or 3 that could realistically work, you can sit him down and say, last year was not ok. If you want to stay in this school, here is what you have to agree to [describe intensive monitoring]. If you don’t want to stay enough to agree to those terms, here are the other options [describe other options]. What do you think would be best for you next year? Why?