Just Completed Disastrous Freshman Year - Please Help find a new school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS just completed 9th grade at a W HS and it has been a complete and utter disaster from an academic perspective. He is completely unmotivated and does not complete projects and homework. There has been no support or accountability from the school. He failed three classes that he will have to repeat and will end up with a 1.57 GPA for the year.
He just refuses to do the work or lies and says it has been completed and that the teacher has not entered the grade yet. None of his teachers or counselors ever reached out to us or him to ask if there was a problem or if they could help in anyway.
We have tried tutors with no success. He does have ADHD and a 504 plan.

We think it is time for a change of scenery for him.

Any suggestions on schools that might be a fit for him where he will get more attention and not have the option of not completing assignments.

We are new to this area so not familiar with all of the schools in the area. We want to spend our money wisely and not just pay the private school tuition to have the same results.

Thanks

I think you know your son is the problem, not the school, but are in denial. You are *almost* able to admit it. For all you know, his teachers constantly emailed/sent Remind101 texts, sent google classroom notifications and messages, and stopped him in person and he was defiant and defensive and oppositional. You weren't there, all you have to go on is the word of a 14 year old boy who you already admitted lied all year. Work on him, a therapist and a 504. Try to learn that the school system isn't this evil monster out to attack you and your precious kid.

I knew there would be an end to the helpful posts at some point.

[Anonymous]

I would also call The Sycamore School in Arlington. It's small and the students get very personalized attention. I know a number of kids who have thrived there when their large public HS was not a good fit for them. They allow a fair amount of flexibility in assignments where they can and still teach/achieve the same outcome. I recall from the tour students were writing about a theme but the students were free to choose what they wanted to write about as logn as they could relate it to the theme. so they kids were writing about everything from the french revolution to iphones to video games (it was something related to revolution).

[Anonymous]

Ask your son how he would feel about a tutor coming into help with organization and homework, etc. It may be cheaper than a coach and if you could find a male college student, would he be open t that? My friend's son sounds like your and she hired a male college student to come in 3-4 days/week to do this. His son liked having someone other than his parents help him. I think they found him online at a tutoring website for math tutoring and then asked if he wanted to extend that position. I wish I had the money for this! My DS is 14 and has ADHD and I am tired by the second shift of monitoring HW, etc.

[Anonymous]

McLean or Lab- I agree with some pp's that this is beyond adhd. We have a kid with adhd on meds at at big 3 hs who has all a's and a few b's. I think he needs a good family therapist to look at why he doesn't want to do work and is lying about it. There are also boarding schools geared for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your son how he would feel about a tutor coming into help with organization and homework, etc. It may be cheaper than a coach and if you could find a male college student, would he be open t that? My friend's son sounds like your and she hired a male college student to come in 3-4 days/week to do this. His son liked having someone other than his parents help him. I think they found him online at a tutoring website for math tutoring and then asked if he wanted to extend that position. I wish I had the money for this! My DS is 14 and has ADHD and I am tired by the second shift of monitoring HW, etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:McLean or Lab- I agree with some pp's that this is beyond adhd. We have a kid with adhd on meds at at big 3 hs who has all a's and a few b's. I think he needs a good family therapist to look at why he doesn't want to do work and is lying about it. There are also boarding schools geared for this.

Just because your child with adhd doesn't have the same challenges doesn't mean that these challenges can't be caused by adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DS upthread, but one piece of advice we got somewhat late in the game, but was so crucial, was to forge as much connection with your DS outside of the school situation as possible. Frame your thinking as he is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time and then connect with him in every other way. For my DS, this was through food (he was always willing to go out to eat with me and we would talk about anything BUT school - let him talk about WHATEVER he wants), DH would watch basketball with him whenever possible, and I would listen to rap music (which I hate, but he loves) whenever we were in the car together. Those connections are what will see you through the other side of this. (And I know - incredibly hard when there is so much stress and conflict in the picture.)

+1. I have a 9th grader who can be very uncommunicative, but going to lunch is our thing. I spend more money than we would if we eat at home, but we have a rule that you can't look at your phone in the restaurant, so he's forced to talk to me. When we're driving in the car, we also listen to podcasts about things that interest him and we talk about that. I now know more about the NBA and NHL than I ever thought I would, although it's actually really handy at cocktail parties when I have to talk to men I don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP here - just want to thank those who have shared some great advice and suggestions, as well as sharing similar type stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you find a better school situation OP. Wherever you go I would hire an executive function and homework coach. Start with the Chesapeake Center.

Here are some other EF coaches:


-Julie Bulitt, LCSW-C Organizational Skills [e-mail] 301-509-1505

-Lisa Bernstein, LCSW Organizational Coaching, Cognitive/Behavioral Therapist & Coach [e-mail] 301-590-0115

-Lynn Long & Associates Educational Consultant [e-mail] 301-251-9622

-Nina Hagan Executive Functioning Skills 301-332-9259

The advantage of these coaches -- assuming that the child doesn't have challenges with the material, but rather struggles with focus and organization -- is that they take the parent/child battle off the table.

It's totally normal developmentally for a teen to push away parents and not want their help. Children with ADHD are also in many ways ~2 years behind in cognitive development than their peers. So your kid has all the hormones and defiance of a 9th/10th grader, but maturity and organization skills of a 7th grader. It is really frustrating for all.

I think it's worth a try, even if you change to a school with more individualized attention.

I'd add Monica Adler Werner to the above list; in Chevy Chase: https://caatonline.com/about-us/. And the PP is right about reducing the battle which is critical, in my view, to shoring up your relationship with your child in his years left at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have an undermotivated son who just finished his freshman year at a W school. I sympathize with you a lot. My son is a wonderful kid, fairly mature with a good group of friends who are on the geeky side of the social spectrum. He has been told for several years that he has to take ownership of his education if he is going to have options for college and beyond, but he just doesn't like school and he struggles with getting his work done. He doesn't have any diagnosis or accommodations.

I can only tell you what has worked for us: intense parental oversight and engagement. My husband monitors MyMCPS like it's his heartrate. We found tutors for 2 subjects, one of whom will review his overall workload. We also do a weekly meeting with DS, sometimes twice weekly near the end of a quarter, to go over what tests or other big assignments are coming up, including going through his binder for forgotten assignments etc. We'll drill him for tests or give him feedback on a big essay. We've had to encourage DS to learn to advocate for himself - ask about a bad or missing grade, which on his own he would never do. Electronics are the downfall here, but we've resorted to taking them away when grades are rocky. It hasn't had to happen much.

It's not a perfect system, and it takes a ton of effort. We both work and have younger kids, and sometimes it feels like a big pain that I have to have room in my head to remind my kid to study for an upcoming 9th grade biology test. And there are some teachers who wait till the end of the quarter to post grades which makes it tough to monitor. But there's no doubt in my mind that this oversight helped our DS keep a solid GPA in honors classes. And we see modest signs of progress, that he's more invested in doing well now that he sees he's capable of it and that he's doing a mildly better job of managing his workload on his own. He hates our monitoring etc but over this year he went along with it more easily and by the end would willingly do homework or study on the weekends, something that used to be impossible. Hopefully he'll continue to inch forward over the next 3 years.

I don't know if this kind of intervention would have avoided such a tough outcome for your son. But I notice your post seems to lay the blame at the feet of the teachers and the school, and since you mention that you're not from here I wanted to point out that in any big MCPS HS (even a "good" one like a W) the classes are large, many kids are highly self-motivated, and it's easy for a slacker to fall between the cracks. Your complaint that "there's no support or accountability" in the school is understandable, but it's not entirely fair - if you or your son were pushing for help, you'd get it. But unfortunately given the size etc teachers aren't tracking down the parents of every HS freshman who is goofing off. You have the tools to follow his assignments and submitted work via the parent portal -- use them! I wish it weren't the case, but the upside is that if you get and stay involved, you may be able avoid a repeat of this year's problems.

This was my life. When our kid was a Freshman, finished the year with a 3.0 which was exactly what we had been hoping for. It was straight Bs.
Sophomore year was also a 3.0 BUT the grades ranged from C- to A-.
By Junior year, our kid was failing all classes. IEP meetings were not helping. The teachers told me I was doing too much monitoring and that I probably should back off. Well, I knew my kid was just not going to make it without help but it just wasn't sustainable. We withdrew. Went to Fusion Academy. What a huge difference it has made. I don't need to closely monitor my kid. What the kid needed was a total change of environment and a much better teaching method. We get daily emails from the teachers. Our home life has gotten so much better. Made all A's this quarter with no help from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lab School, McLean, Commonwealth, maybe the special program at St Johns. What you describe doesn’t sound like lack of motivation but something more significant. Failing classes in public school is actually pretty hard to do.

Have you considered boarding school? Definitely repeat 9th grade. Look at Gow or Kildonan.

Geez! why everybody feels like sending kid away is going to solve the problems? If you have a child with special needs, sending a kid can make everything worse.

[Anonymous]

To OP. Amazing suggestions. There are wonderful resources in this area. I believe OP is a transplant. We are too. Relocating is very difficult for kids and hard on families. If you’ve never been through it, you have no clue.

Our DD was 9. She maintained straight A’s while devolving into depression. The effort she and I had to expend to create a happy life for her (us) here was Herculean. All’s well that ends well. Happy. At last. Going to a top college.

Something to consider is a school with area transplants, or just a lot of new kids. Your DD May be isolated by his status as a new kid. We went private because that was our plan and were really stupid about this. Assumed there just would be other new transplants or new kids. Wrong. We chose a great school- awful for that.

Many families here never move. They have rock solid government jobs. Or stable jobs catering to government. The selective private’s k-whatever can be super stable with “lifers.”

The private international schools are your best bet. The Potomac School is international and diverse I understand. Progressive schools like Field, Burke are supposed to be very welcoming. Used to “new” kids. And kids who have struggled socially.

Just my 2 cents as a transplant. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

The move definitely has something to do with it.

[Anonymous]

I just want to let you know that I was a less extreme version of your son. Just didn’t like doing schoolwork outside of school and hated confrontation, so lied to my parents whenever they asked questions. I was lucky that I am smart and so 50% homework grades got balanced against good test grades and so ended up with Bs rather than Fs. Ended up as a summa grade of a top college. Don’t stop trying to fix things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:McLean or Lab- I agree with some pp's that this is beyond adhd. We have a kid with adhd on meds at at big 3 hs who has all a's and a few b's. I think he needs a good family therapist to look at why he doesn't want to do work and is lying about it. There are also boarding schools geared for this.

Actually this is under treated adhd that has morphed into chronic lying, defiance, anger — likely masking anxiety and depression (and anger Mgmt issues).