ending on a low note

[Anonymous]

OP, you knew your dd was unhappy and depressed, but now you are upset that the school is telling you that? You are focusing on the wrong things. She pushed back about going to the therapist, and yet she was still miserable?

I think you should seek a therapist for yourself and also go to therapy with her. There is a lot going on here that is impossible for us to unpack over the internet, but your anger about them telling you this is not a normal response when you already knew she was unhappy.

I think you need a new therapist for her and for both of you to go together for family therapy as well as her going on her own. You can turn this around. I have friends who have been through this and it is hard but recognizing that they needed to be part of the solution made a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She says she doesn’t want therapy, i took her in April and therapist said don’t drag her

Dont come back crying when your depressed daughter is popping pills and cutting. You should take action, not be offended because your ego is bruised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They probably wanted your private school dollars, so waited until they didn't have to participate in an intervention and still get your money. I would try to get help for your dad, but also see how she does in a new environment.

Have you ever had a child in private? You sign a contract the prior year and are financially obligated to pay the next year’s tuition. They will sue you and report to credit bureaus if you don’t pay the balance. They could have told OP their concerns on September 1 and she still would have owed for whole year if she pulled her kid out.

Yes, I have. They could have told her earlier, but wanted OP to be happier with the school, hence the delay.

Hope your dad gets some help OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op: Agree, but I spent a lot of money on that school, and I feel almost insulted by what they said.

They should have notified you earlier. Not much can be done at late in the school year.

Fail on the school's part.

Sorry.

Yeah, now that school's out, OP and her partner can't do anything to address possible depression, friend issues, or other issues with their daughter. There's a legal requirement that all help be provided in conjunction with the school. And now that OP's daughter is leaving the school, there's nothing that can be done at all. OP has to just wait until the start of the next school year, at a new school, to get her daughter any assistance. It's have been better if the school didn't tell OP at all, because there's absolutely nothing that can be done at this point. What a shame.

Now that’s what I call a crappy a$$ school. So very sorry OP. They did you and your DD a disservice while taking your tuition checks. I wish you a much better school for 7th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She says she doesn’t want therapy, i took her in April and therapist said don’t drag her

Dont come back crying when your depressed daughter is popping pills and cutting. You should take action, not be offended because your ego is bruised.

Guessing your work for this horrific school?

[Anonymous]

Keep taking her to someone until you find someone she will talk to. Don’t throw up your hands. Help her.

[Anonymous]

There’s no way the school dropped this on OP for the first time at the very end of the year. OP taking her to the therapist back in April is a clear sign this has been an ongoing issue. Obviously the school brought this up with OP before, is concerned that OP hasn’t gotten her daughter any meaningful help, and tried to have one last meeting with her before her daughter leaves the school for good because they are worried about the daughter’s well-being.

[Anonymous]

So many posters with zero experience with private schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They probably wanted your private school dollars, so waited until they didn't have to participate in an intervention and still get your money. I would try to get help for your dad, but also see how she does in a new environment.

It’s a private school. They have basically zero obligation to participate in any kind of intervention or to provide any services. They notified OP, that’s pretty much the extent of their responsibility here.

Which is why they waited until the end of the year. It says a lot about the schools administrators to delay until year end. Here's why...privates do not provide free and appropriate education with support and interventions that publics provide. Had they informed OP earlier and she opted to do private evaluations, the school would have to comply with i.e. classroom observation, communication with the private team, additional teacher input and paperwork etc. This is why they waited! Glad you're DD is out of there, OP!

Also, 6th grade is a crap age of reckoning for kids. My son's group of friends turned into brats! Seriously sarcastic little brats. DS was and still is social and non discriminatory. These brats tried very hard to get back into DSs life and for the most part he's cordial with them in HS. It gets better OP. Girls tend to feel the sting of exclusion or mean girls more intensely. It doesn't mean she's suicidal (geezus pp who said this). She may need a therapist or she may just need a chill summer with an opportunity to make a few friends. Camp, clubs or maybe reaching out to girls from her school who didn't participate in the mean girl games.

Good luck, this too shall pass. DS found his people and your DD will, too. Just best to help thicken her skin since middle and HS ebbs and flows because kids start doing things that may alienate your DD. Many of DS's friends started the experimenting at the end of freshman year. There was a quiet period and now in sophomore year he has some great new friends while still remaining friendly with old group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you knew your dd was unhappy and depressed, but now you are upset that the school is telling you that? You are focusing on the wrong things. She pushed back about going to the therapist, and yet she was still miserable?

I think you should seek a therapist for yourself and also go to therapy with her. There is a lot going on here that is impossible for us to unpack over the internet, but your anger about them telling you this is not a normal response when you already knew she was unhappy.

I think you need a new therapist for her and for both of you to go together for family therapy as well as her going on her own. You can turn this around. I have friends who have been through this and it is hard but recognizing that they needed to be part of the solution made a huge difference.

OP, I agree with this pp. If your daughter won't go see a therapist, you should go see one and work on how to deal with what is happening in your family. I agree with the other pps that the school should have told you sooner but the fact that they're telling you at all means that there is something serious going on with your daughter. I remember when I was spiraling into depression and self-loathing at my private school and the school called my parents in to talk about me. When my folks came home, my mom seemed to be dismissing it all. It wasn't till I took an overdose of sleep aids and went to the school nurse that my folks got me help. Obviously you've been aware of what's going on with your daughter and you even offered to take her to a therapist. That's wonderful. But if she won't go, you should go. I know you're mad at the school but you realize that your kid is in crisis, right? Don't waste time being mad at the school. Work on getting help for you and your family. I hope things get better.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP right above. I also highly recommend the book Untangled, about teen girls.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, my DD was one who turned to cutting in 8th grade and continued through HS. Looking back what I would do differently would be to lighten up. DD attended a high stress school. DD did go to various therapists and in that area I would do differently to switch insurance plans earlier to allow better mental health care and go straight to allowing DD to select from a short list of therapists I had researched, confirmed were accepting new patients and could see her soon. When DD finally did get to a therapist she felt ok about years had passed and she was in her last year of high school. Interestingly those initial sessions were basically lots of personality tests and understanding her temperament. It was pretty helpful. Personality can change over time but it was useful to understand where she was at that moment in time. Right now you could try the Myers Briggs 16 personality, the enneagram, and another I can’t recall at the moment. If I could go back I would pay closer attention to what brings her joy and construct her days to have more of that. The suggestion for many sources of friendships sounds good but for my DD it just added to an over scheduled life with lots of short term and fairly shallow ‘friendships’.
DD is now college aged and doing well socially, emotionally and academically. Her personality is much the same and it is so helpful to understanding her and recognizing who she is. Looking back I wish I had understood my DD better so I could know how to be helpful... turns out being helpful would have been as simple as letting my ego not rule her life (work hard is HS to get into that highly selective college) and assisting her to pursue her own interests (fashion, friendships, writing) more.

[Anonymous]

op: I have been in therapy for 3 years, since my youngest had a medical crisis. It has affected our family quite a bit. I asked my therapist if she can meet with dd to explain why therapy is a good idea since dd is currently resisting. She said she would be open to speaking with dd after I come alone for one session to discuss the plan. I was hoping to bring dd to my next appt but now I'm planning to take a day off work this week and just spend it with dd sightseeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: I have been in therapy for 3 years, since my youngest had a medical crisis. It has affected our family quite a bit. I asked my therapist if she can meet with dd to explain why therapy is a good idea since dd is currently resisting. She said she would be open to speaking with dd after I come alone for one session to discuss the plan. I was hoping to bring dd to my next appt but now I'm planning to take a day off work this week and just spend it with dd sightseeing.

This is a great plan, thank you for updating. Good luck to you and your dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They said it isn’t one specific incident, there is no returning as it ends at 6th

Don't waste your time being insulted about things they said (because maybe they are true?)

I would be glad that you are done with them, since it seems they waited until there was nothing more to do on their part to bother bringing this up to you.

Very typical of private schools to become unhealthy places for anyone who doesn't fit the school's image of what a kid should be like. Good riddance.

All that said, they did choose to talk about your daughter's mental health. Take that as a warning that there may be something going on and try to figure it out this summer so that the fall goes better and so that any potential problem is addressed/has professionals in place.

This. Instead of being insulted -what's the point of that, esp when you're done with the school- take a close look at what they said. I say this as a relative of a teen who by all counts seemed fine but tried to commit suicide last week. Take it seriously.