42, not married, have always wanted to be, and now thinking - why? Is marriage really that great?

[Anonymous]

I LOVED being single and find marriage a challenge. (I married in my late 30s.) But I’ll be honest, I would hate to age without either husband or kids. As long as I was healthy, I’d be fine, but I wouldn’t want to be 65 with cancer and not have someone around to help me.

I guess it would depend, too, on how tightly connected I was to friends or other family. Would nieces or nephews feel close enough to help me when I’m 85 and they’re in the full swing of their own careers, family life and possibly elder care for their own parents? My own friends at that age might not be around or in a position to be helpful.

Obviously, wealth would compensate for some of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been lots of studies showing that marriage makes men happier but women unhappier. Personally, I’m very happy with my marriage bc even though it’s hard at times, I feel like my husband inspires me to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

Those studies are all b.s or clickbait. https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

Studies also show kids make people unhappy, as does grad school and other things you have to work at that make a life meaningful.

Marriage has its benefits and detriments, with whom you are married to determinant as to whether its worth it.

Married man here. I don’t know any married men who prefer marriage to being single.

Maybe you have a small circle. That's sad.

Most men can't be alone and want to be married. Especially over 40.

I think a lot of people, men included, have a "grass is greener" mentality. I love being married, but to the right person. I held out and got married in my early 30's to the right person. My sister married the wrong person in her 20s because she was in a rush. All the signs were there. She just ignored them.

IMO, I think a lot of unhappy men in marriages shouldn't have children. More than likely, they were happy in their marriages before kids arrived, but they can't handle the changes in the marriage and in life once kids arrive so they become unhappy. Get married sure, but don't have kids unless you are 100% sure you want them and are willing to change your life and priorities once the kids arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with kids, about ten years your junior. I think marriage is valuable - can be valuable - when you think of it not in terms of romance or love, but partnership. Of course, chemistry and sex and attraction and fondness are wonderful (and important) in marriage, but the value of a good marriage is what the partnership enables each individual to achieve, and what they can achieve together. I think these kinds of marriages are in the minority, but are what people who do marry aspire to.

I agree that the partnership is valuable. I got married in my late 30s to a guy in his mid-40s, and we've been married for about 8 years now. First marriage for both, no kids. I'd been very happy as a single, so I was nervous going into marriage - such a big CHANGE - but I'm even happier married. In addition to love, romance, and all of that - I gained a wonderful life partner. Financial partnership - we're BOTH better off by pooling our money.

Not clear to me why you have to get married to "pool your money". And there is the issue that getting married, and thus entangling your finances, puts your money at risk in the event of a divorce.

For one thing, I wasn't comfortable with making large financial commitments - such as buying a house together - without the legal commitment. Some people do it, but I wouldn't have. Either way, it would be a entanglement to sort out in the event of a breakup or divorce. To me, the benefit is worth the risk. Also both DH and I have partial pensions (one is fed, other is private sector), and I'm not sure that we would be eligible for survivor benefits if we weren't married. Not an immediate issue, but it does play into our long-term financial planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been lots of studies showing that marriage makes men happier but women unhappier. Personally, I’m very happy with my marriage bc even though it’s hard at times, I feel like my husband inspires me to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

Those studies are all b.s or clickbait. https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

Studies also show kids make people unhappy, as does grad school and other things you have to work at that make a life meaningful.

Marriage has its benefits and detriments, with whom you are married to determinant as to whether its worth it.

Married man here. I don’t know any married men who prefer marriage to being single.

Maybe you have a small circle. That's sad.

Most men can't be alone and want to be married. Especially over 40.

I think a lot of people, men included, have a "grass is greener" mentality. I love being married, but to the right person. I held out and got married in my early 30's to the right person. My sister married the wrong person in her 20s because she was in a rush. All the signs were there. She just ignored them.

IMO, I think a lot of unhappy men in marriages shouldn't have children. More than likely, they were happy in their marriages before kids arrived, but they can't handle the changes in the marriage and in life once kids arrive so they become unhappy. Get married sure, but don't have kids unless you are 100% sure you want them and are willing to change your life and priorities once the kids arrive.

We were married almost 5 years before we had children and that, I believe, was very helpful as it allowed our relationship to really “marinate” and weather the chaos brought about when children arrive as they did - three in 4 years. If during those five years I had had concerns about the relationship I would have exited because children are not a solution to a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is great if you are married to the right person.

Although as the product of a second marriage I would not marry someone with kids.

Op here. Thanks. Could you elaborate on the second marriage thing?

I'm currently dating someone with kids. Also, while he is well educated and has a steady job and good credit, he doesn't have a lot of assets and neither does his ex. They would have been in decent shape if they had stayed married, but between divorce lawyers and running two houses, their assets are fairly modest. And they have two teens to put through college.

While I actually have a lot of assets (mostly in trust)....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I LOVED being single and find marriage a challenge. (I married in my late 30s.) But I’ll be honest, I would hate to age without either husband or kids. As long as I was healthy, I’d be fine, but I wouldn’t want to be 65 with cancer and not have someone around to help me.

I guess it would depend, too, on how tightly connected I was to friends or other family. Would nieces or nephews feel close enough to help me when I’m 85 and they’re in the full swing of their own careers, family life and possibly elder care for their own parents? My own friends at that age might not be around or in a position to be helpful.

Obviously, wealth would compensate for some of that.

I agree, but wealth certainly can't compensate for someone loving you unconditionally like that of a child/parent. Sure, there are no guarantees, but if you don't have kids, more than likely, you won't have someone who loves you like that. My spouse just lost a parent, and even though my spouse and a sibling weren't that close to that parent, they were still there for the parent in the end.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is overrated.


All my friends with cancer... the H was basically useless and friends helped out anyway.... kids too young to help too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would hate to age without either husband or kids

Think this is the answer in its simplest form

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

My friends who have had 3-4 LTR rather than marriage seem much happier than my friends stuck in unhappy marriages. Particularly the two women I know in unhappy marriage #2 but determined to not be a statistic.

It may seem bloodless, but I think marriage should require an annual renewal to be legally in effect. Parties would have to give 2 months notice of their intent either way and contracts would have a default option for custody and financial issues, although complex or emerging situations could trigger either family therapy and mediation. If that fails, the traditional divorce process.

[Anonymous]

It’s great with the right person, awful with the wrong person. Sadly, the right person can turn into the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

My friends who have had 3-4 LTR rather than marriage seem much happier than my friends stuck in unhappy marriages. Particularly the two women I know in unhappy marriage #2 but determined to not be a statistic.

It may seem bloodless, but I think marriage should require an annual renewal to be legally in effect. Parties would have to give 2 months notice of their intent either way and contracts would have a default option for custody and financial issues, although complex or emerging situations could trigger either family therapy and mediation. If that fails, the traditional divorce process.

The whole point of marriage being a legal contract regulated by the state is that it is a public good meant to provide stability to our society. Annual renewal would negate that. There is a reason it takes time and effort to legally disentangle the adults in any family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

My friends who have had 3-4 LTR rather than marriage seem much happier than my friends stuck in unhappy marriages. Particularly the two women I know in unhappy marriage #2 but determined to not be a statistic.

It may seem bloodless, but I think marriage should require an annual renewal to be legally in effect. Parties would have to give 2 months notice of their intent either way and contracts would have a default option for custody and financial issues, although complex or emerging situations could trigger either family therapy and mediation. If that fails, the traditional divorce process.

Pretty silly. The state and federal laws are the only ones that would apply in the end. They are deluding themselves and are obviously not all that secure or happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

My friends who have had 3-4 LTR rather than marriage seem much happier than my friends stuck in unhappy marriages. Particularly the two women I know in unhappy marriage #2 but determined to not be a statistic.

It may seem bloodless, but I think marriage should require an annual renewal to be legally in effect. Parties would have to give 2 months notice of their intent either way and contracts would have a default option for custody and financial issues, although complex or emerging situations could trigger either family therapy and mediation. If that fails, the traditional divorce process.

The whole point of marriage being a legal contract regulated by the state is that it is a public good meant to provide stability to our society. Annual renewal would negate that. There is a reason it takes time and effort to legally disentangle the adults in any family.

Also, what a pain!!!! I consider myself to be a reasonably competent adult, but I can barely manage to get my vehicle safety inspection done every year, and the emissions done every other year. I really don't need to add one more thing to my plate, especially something that's a really big deal if we miss the deadline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

My friends who have had 3-4 LTR rather than marriage seem much happier than my friends stuck in unhappy marriages. Particularly the two women I know in unhappy marriage #2 but determined to not be a statistic.

It may seem bloodless, but I think marriage should require an annual renewal to be legally in effect. Parties would have to give 2 months notice of their intent either way and contracts would have a default option for custody and financial issues, although complex or emerging situations could trigger either family therapy and mediation. If that fails, the traditional divorce process.

The whole point of marriage being a legal contract regulated by the state is that it is a public good meant to provide stability to our society. Annual renewal would negate that. There is a reason it takes time and effort to legally disentangle the adults in any family.

Also, what a pain!!!! I consider myself to be a reasonably competent adult, but I can barely manage to get my vehicle safety inspection done every year, and the emissions done every other year. I really don't need to add one more thing to my plate, especially something that's a really big deal if we miss the deadline.

And every year the government would charge you a $250 renewal fee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on marriage you should wonder if you’d like a boyfriend. The first step is a boyfriend. Find someone you enjoy spending time with. Step one is going on dates and meeting men.

FWIW I see the main benefit of marriage to be relative stability. Marriage for better or worse keeps people together. If I weren’t married I would have probably left my husband by now and later regretted it. It’s a lot easier to breakup with a boyfriend/gf than get divorced. If I only went the LT partner route I would probably have multiple ones throughout my life. This is what I’m witnessing among my friends who are opposed to marriage. They jump from relationship to relationship. There are of course people who don’t require a legal contract to stay together, but I find it certainly helps. It also provides financial protection, especially for the spouse who has children and/or sacrifices their career for children.

My friends who have had 3-4 LTR rather than marriage seem much happier than my friends stuck in unhappy marriages. Particularly the two women I know in unhappy marriage #2 but determined to not be a statistic.

It may seem bloodless, but I think marriage should require an annual renewal to be legally in effect. Parties would have to give 2 months notice of their intent either way and contracts would have a default option for custody and financial issues, although complex or emerging situations could trigger either family therapy and mediation. If that fails, the traditional divorce process.

The whole point of marriage being a legal contract regulated by the state is that it is a public good meant to provide stability to our society. Annual renewal would negate that. There is a reason it takes time and effort to legally disentangle the adults in any family.

Also, what a pain!!!! I consider myself to be a reasonably competent adult, but I can barely manage to get my vehicle safety inspection done every year, and the emissions done every other year. I really don't need to add one more thing to my plate, especially something that's a really big deal if we miss the deadline.

And every year the government would charge you a $250 renewal fee.

Good. People would take ownership of a marriage more seriously.