42, not married, have always wanted to be, and now thinking - why? Is marriage really that great?

[Anonymous]

I would never be married just to be married. If you find the right person, it’s good. And if you’re not planning to have kids of your own, then I would be together for a very long time before I considered marriage to make sure that what feels right earlier in a relationship still feels that way years later.

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced with kids, about ten years your junior. I think marriage is valuable - can be valuable - when you think of it not in terms of romance or love, but partnership. Of course, chemistry and sex and attraction and fondness are wonderful (and important) in marriage, but the value of a good marriage is what the partnership enables each individual to achieve, and what they can achieve together. I think these kinds of marriages are in the minority, but are what people who do marry aspire to.

[Anonymous]

+1 to much of the advice on this thread.

Here’s the thing, to me. Happiness comes in all kinds of ways, and I think while some people are happier on some sides of the fence than the other, there is no one way to be happy.

Before I met DH, I had several single years that were amazing in some ways, and tough in others, like any period in life. I met DH, life changed, and I’m happier in some ways, and less happy in others.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner. If anything happens, I’ll be devastated, but I’ll also move on to happiness. No one else can sow joy for you, even if sometimes they lift some of the burden.

[Anonymous]

No, it's terrible. I hope my daughters find the right balance between love/having a satisfying relationship and independence. Putting up with someone else 24/7 is not fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been lots of studies showing that marriage makes men happier but women unhappier. Personally, I’m very happy with my marriage bc even though it’s hard at times, I feel like my husband inspires me to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

Those studies are all b.s or clickbait. https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

Studies also show kids make people unhappy, as does grad school and other things you have to work at that make a life meaningful.

Marriage has its benefits and detriments, with whom you are married to determinant as to whether its worth it.

I can't take this article seriously when it gets the title of the book that it's savaging incorrect. "Happy Every After"? Remove the plank from your own eye first, Ms. Kelsey Piper.

[Anonymous]

I think cohabitation is on the rise versus marriage, and not just very young people either. I know an awesome couple that have been partners for 20 years - they are both in their 60s. The woman has never married, the man is a divorced dad/grandad. At this point I think he has been with his partner/girlfriend for longer than he was with his ex wife. It just works for them. Why complicate things with marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with kids, about ten years your junior. I think marriage is valuable - can be valuable - when you think of it not in terms of romance or love, but partnership. Of course, chemistry and sex and attraction and fondness are wonderful (and important) in marriage, but the value of a good marriage is what the partnership enables each individual to achieve, and what they can achieve together. I think these kinds of marriages are in the minority, but are what people who do marry aspire to.

I agree that the partnership is valuable. I got married in my late 30s to a guy in his mid-40s, and we've been married for about 8 years now. First marriage for both, no kids. I'd been very happy as a single, so I was nervous going into marriage - such a big CHANGE - but I'm even happier married. In addition to love, romance, and all of that - I gained a wonderful life partner. Financial partnership - we're BOTH better off by pooling our money. Emotional partnership - we've leaned on each other pretty hard during parental illnesses and deaths in the family. And just general partnership - having another adult around makes lots of things in life easier (pet ownership, dealing with car repairs, fixing the overhead light, etc).

A couple of caveats: my DH is a highly responsible and hardworking person, so he makes my life easier. I might very well feel differently about this if I'd married someone who was out of the workforce and/or refused to do chores around the house.

Also, neither of us brought kids into the relationship. Being a step-parent is a whole 'nother ballgame. I have a couple of friends who got married (for the first time) also in their late 30s or early 40s, but they married divorced guys who had partial custody. I think that those friends are also happy in their marriages and also even enjoy and love the (step)kids, but are very open that being a step-parent has added an additional level of stress to their marriage. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been lots of studies showing that marriage makes men happier but women unhappier. Personally, I’m very happy with my marriage bc even though it’s hard at times, I feel like my husband inspires me to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

Those studies are all b.s or clickbait. https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

Studies also show kids make people unhappy, as does grad school and other things you have to work at that make a life meaningful.

Marriage has its benefits and detriments, with whom you are married to determinant as to whether its worth it.

Married man here. I don’t know any married men who prefer marriage to being single.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bother. Half the population is f’d up and so are half the marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 to much of the advice on this thread.

Here’s the thing, to me. Happiness comes in all kinds of ways, and I think while some people are happier on some sides of the fence than the other, there is no one way to be happy.

Before I met DH, I had several single years that were amazing in some ways, and tough in others, like any period in life. I met DH, life changed, and I’m happier in some ways, and less happy in others.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner. If anything happens, I’ll be devastated, but I’ll also move on to happiness. No one else can sow joy for you, even if sometimes they lift some of the burden.

Very wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily married but wouldn’t bother if I planned to stay childless.

I'm happily married (ups/downs of course, but generally pretty happy), and I'd still want to be married even if I never wanted children. Actually, I never thought about having kids until after I got married.

I'd say marriage to the right person is great. Marriage to the wrong person, obviously, is miserable. The trick is to find the "right" person. But, I will say that it does really take two to make the marriage work. Lots of give/take and compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been lots of studies showing that marriage makes men happier but women unhappier. Personally, I’m very happy with my marriage bc even though it’s hard at times, I feel like my husband inspires me to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

Those studies are all b.s or clickbait. https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2019/6/4/18650969/married-women-miserable-fake-paul-dolan-happiness

Studies also show kids make people unhappy, as does grad school and other things you have to work at that make a life meaningful.

Marriage has its benefits and detriments, with whom you are married to determinant as to whether its worth it.

Married man here. I don’t know any married men who prefer marriage to being single.

Maybe you have a small circle. That's sad.

[Anonymous]

I'm 41. I wish I was you. I doubted getting married, was freaking out, and my mom said to do it anyway. It has been unhappy the entire time. We were never truly in love. I made so many sacrifices for no reason.

Marriage is highly overrated.

If it is the right person, I am sure it is wonderful. That is not my experience.

If it not the right person, being single is so much better. I was so much happier before.

No reason for you to get married now. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think cohabitation is on the rise versus marriage, and not just very young people either. I know an awesome couple that have been partners for 20 years - they are both in their 60s. The woman has never married, the man is a divorced dad/grandad. At this point I think he has been with his partner/girlfriend for longer than he was with his ex wife. It just works for them. Why complicate things with marriage.

I don't understand why marriage makes a relationship more complicated, especially at that age. When DH and I got married, not much changed from the year when we were living together, other than pulling our resources together. But, plenty of people keep separate bank accounts after they get married.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing magic about marriage. The question you should be asking is whether you want a long-term committed relationship. Marriage is a legal status that confers some benefits and some disadvantages. And if you marry a divorced person, it's not like marriage sets up the default economic arrangement anyway, since they'll likely have financial commitments to their kids in terms of their estate, life insurance, etc. So marriage doesn't even solve that issue for you.