42, not married, have always wanted to be, and now thinking - why? Is marriage really that great?

[Anonymous]

Why not give marriage a try and see if you like it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not give marriage a try and see if you like it?

Much better off living with someone for a year or two and see if you like it. Rent first, then buy.

[Anonymous]

No, it's not. Unless you want children, there is no point in marriage. This is coming from a married woman with kids. If I could go back in time...

[Anonymous]

If you are doubting the relationship you are in and are unsure then no do not marry, do not live together.

Date him but keep everything separate, your house, your finances, everything.

A marriage won't add anything to a good partnership. If you meet someone you really connect with then living together, getting married will seem effortless.

However being older and having a lot of assets then I would protect those assets and not get married. Live together but unless he has as much to offer as you, protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Marriage can be great.
Marriage can be hell.
It's as good as what you put into it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think you get married when you feel and trust an overwhelming want to be married to a specific person. Other caveats, but basically to me that's the bottom line.

My advice would be the same to you whether you were 20 or 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single 42 year old woman here. Have had several long term relationships that came close to marriage but decided things weren't quite right for marriage. I've always wanted to be married and I've tried to find the right partner. Now at my age I am mostly dating people who are divorced. And I am seeing my friends in marriage once the honeymoon stage has worn off. I'm OK with not having kids. And now I'm kind of wondering… What's a great about being married? Should I? Or is it kind of overrated? Maybe it's because I'm dating people his life situations are complicated now. I enjoy their company. But I really want to legally and financially wed myself to someone who has kids to put through college? Etc? And the divorce rate for second marriage is very high. Does marriage really make women happier?

Answer: It's overrated. Especially if you don't care about not having kids. To me, having kids is the one modern day rationalization for getting married because is combines resources for raising children. Lifetime companionship would be the other, but frankly once the honeymoon phase wears off you'd better be content looking at and sleeping with the same person for the rest of your life. If you're single, self sufficient, still able to date and don't want kids, my advice would be to not pursue getting married unless you meet someone who absolutely knocks your socks off. Don't lower your standards one bit to take on a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Easier to deal with kids.

All of my friends who have divorced in their 30s say that marriage is completely unnecessary, unless you want kids.

I tend to agree with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single 42 year old woman here. Have had several long term relationships that came close to marriage but decided things weren't quite right for marriage. I've always wanted to be married and I've tried to find the right partner. Now at my age I am mostly dating people who are divorced. And I am seeing my friends in marriage once the honeymoon stage has worn off. I'm OK with not having kids. And now I'm kind of wondering… What's a great about being married? Should I? Or is it kind of overrated? Maybe it's because I'm dating people his life situations are complicated now. I enjoy their company. But I really want to legally and financially wed myself to someone who has kids to put through college? Etc? And the divorce rate for second marriage is very high. Does marriage really make women happier?

At 42, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and my husband and kids, ultimately, were my reason to fight. If I were single and childless, I would have likely just said 'Screw it', it was that bad. But I pulled through (at least, for now).

When shit hits the fan, you'd want someone who is truly close to you in your corner. Not saying that your dates would abandon you right away, should you get seriously ill, but it is family members who sit with the patients in that chemo room, not random dudes from Tinder.

Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with kids, about ten years your junior. I think marriage is valuable - can be valuable - when you think of it not in terms of romance or love, but partnership. Of course, chemistry and sex and attraction and fondness are wonderful (and important) in marriage, but the value of a good marriage is what the partnership enables each individual to achieve, and what they can achieve together. I think these kinds of marriages are in the minority, but are what people who do marry aspire to.

I agree that the partnership is valuable. I got married in my late 30s to a guy in his mid-40s, and we've been married for about 8 years now. First marriage for both, no kids. I'd been very happy as a single, so I was nervous going into marriage - such a big CHANGE - but I'm even happier married. In addition to love, romance, and all of that - I gained a wonderful life partner. Financial partnership - we're BOTH better off by pooling our money.

Not clear to me why you have to get married to "pool your money". And there is the issue that getting married, and thus entangling your finances, puts your money at risk in the event of a divorce.

For one thing, I wasn't comfortable with making large financial commitments - such as buying a house together - without the legal commitment. Some people do it, but I wouldn't have. Either way, it would be a entanglement to sort out in the event of a breakup or divorce. To me, the benefit is worth the risk. Also both DH and I have partial pensions (one is fed, other is private sector), and I'm not sure that we would be eligible for survivor benefits if we weren't married. Not an immediate issue, but it does play into our long-term financial planning.

Buying a house together IS a legal commitment, if you're both on the mortgage and both on the title. So that makes no sense. You can designate someone for survivor benefits if they are not a spouse, so that is not very compelling either.

Yes, buying a house is a legal commitment. I didn't see the point in making that large of a legal commitment together without having the legal commitment for the relationship itself. If I was committed enough to make a half million dollar real estate investment, then I was committed enough to get married, and I wanted the same commitment in return. Not everyone sees it that way, but that's the way both my husband and I see it.

Well, for one thing, buying a house together just puts you on the hook for the house. Getting married puts you on the hook for 50% of your assets, plus the possibility of paying alimony and having them get a piece of your pension. You may say you're fine with that, but you'll be singing a different song if you wind up getting divorced.

Also, a house is not really a "half million dollar real estate investment" -- assuming you put 20% down that is $100,000 or $50,000 from each of you, quite a different thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single 42 year old woman here. Have had several long term relationships that came close to marriage but decided things weren't quite right for marriage. I've always wanted to be married and I've tried to find the right partner. Now at my age I am mostly dating people who are divorced. And I am seeing my friends in marriage once the honeymoon stage has worn off. I'm OK with not having kids. And now I'm kind of wondering… What's a great about being married? Should I? Or is it kind of overrated? Maybe it's because I'm dating people his life situations are complicated now. I enjoy their company. But I really want to legally and financially wed myself to someone who has kids to put through college? Etc? And the divorce rate for second marriage is very high. Does marriage really make women happier?

At 42, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and my husband and kids, ultimately, were my reason to fight. If I were single and childless, I would have likely just said 'Screw it', it was that bad. But I pulled through (at least, for now).

When shit hits the fan, you'd want someone who is truly close to you in your corner. Not saying that your dates would abandon you right away, should you get seriously ill, but it is family members who sit with the patients in that chemo room, not random dudes from Tinder.

Just sayin'.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single 42 year old woman here. Have had several long term relationships that came close to marriage but decided things weren't quite right for marriage. I've always wanted to be married and I've tried to find the right partner. Now at my age I am mostly dating people who are divorced. And I am seeing my friends in marriage once the honeymoon stage has worn off. I'm OK with not having kids. And now I'm kind of wondering… What's a great about being married? Should I? Or is it kind of overrated? Maybe it's because I'm dating people his life situations are complicated now. I enjoy their company. But I really want to legally and financially wed myself to someone who has kids to put through college? Etc? And the divorce rate for second marriage is very high. Does marriage really make women happier?

At 42, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and my husband and kids, ultimately, were my reason to fight. If I were single and childless, I would have likely just said 'Screw it', it was that bad. But I pulled through (at least, for now).

When shit hits the fan, you'd want someone who is truly close to you in your corner. Not saying that your dates would abandon you right away, should you get seriously ill, but it is family members who sit with the patients in that chemo room, not random dudes from Tinder.

Just sayin'.

She has a husband and kids. OP brings a trust, no kids, to a divorced guy with kids. If she came down with cancer after getting married, her new husband will be happy getting all her assets.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single 42 year old woman here. Have had several long term relationships that came close to marriage but decided things weren't quite right for marriage. I've always wanted to be married and I've tried to find the right partner. Now at my age I am mostly dating people who are divorced. And I am seeing my friends in marriage once the honeymoon stage has worn off. I'm OK with not having kids. And now I'm kind of wondering… What's a great about being married? Should I? Or is it kind of overrated? Maybe it's because I'm dating people his life situations are complicated now. I enjoy their company. But I really want to legally and financially wed myself to someone who has kids to put through college? Etc? And the divorce rate for second marriage is very high. Does marriage really make women happier?

At 42, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and my husband and kids, ultimately, were my reason to fight. If I were single and childless, I would have likely just said 'Screw it', it was that bad. But I pulled through (at least, for now).

When shit hits the fan, you'd want someone who is truly close to you in your corner. Not saying that your dates would abandon you right away, should you get seriously ill, but it is family members who sit with the patients in that chemo room, not random dudes from Tinder.

Just sayin'.

She has a husband and kids. OP brings a trust, no kids, to a divorced guy with kids. If she came down with cancer after getting married, her new husband will be happy getting all her assets.

This

What a sad, cynical worldview

[Anonymous]

My BIL who is very wealthy is dating a woman with 3 kids all under 10. BIL is in his 50s. They are serious but I do not think it will go anywhere because she refuses to sign the prenup.

BIL does not have and never wanted kids so getting a prenup makes sense especially when his GF has no assets or a career. He obviously does not want to get married and deal with step teenagers in his sixties.

[Anonymous]

OP brings a trust, no kids, to a divorced guy with kids. If she came down with cancer after getting married, her new husband will be happy getting all her assets.

I don’t understand the point here. When OP dies, someone inherits. So what.