Discontent in any kind of career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you should listen to others who are giving you a hard time and saying you are enabling DH. You have found what works for your sanity and the flow of your family and you should stick with it. No on is perfect, accepting your partners faults makes marriage easier. I personally believe a lot of the folks who are super gung-ho about enforcing the perfect situation at home, end up divorced, because that type of attitude stresses the marriage. Being equal in a marriage does not mean each partner contributes in exactly the same way.

Each partner contributing different things doesn't negate basic common sense like not spreading raw chicken juice all over the kitchen or cooking spoiled meat. DH is the cook in our house because he enjoys it and he's better at it. But if I ever needed to cook a meal, dh can trust that I won't give our kids food poisoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

You wrote above, "I spoke to him tonight about it and told him the only way he could go part time is if he were to pay off the student debt, we downsized, and drastically cut our expenses. So he said let’s start looking at smaller homes. Not how I wanted that to go. But I guess that is a viable option for us if we are willing to move."

How do you downsize further from a $400K house (unless you are living in say, Arkansas)?

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Has he thought about academics? If he likes to spend a lot of time sitting around pontificating, it may be the way to go. Clinic work can be grueling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

How many years until your other child is in kindergarten? Seems like once your other child is in school and you go back to work (presumably making at least $50K right?) if he reduced his hours you would have a combined HHI of around $160K. At that point you would have expenses for after school care X 2 so if you were in FFX CO. that would be $1,200 total ($600 each if you did before and after or $400 each if you only did aftercare) plus costs for summer camps. Assuming your other spending is reasonable you guys would be in pretty decent shape. Also, while $150K is a lot of student loans its really not that bad especially if you spread it out over a 20-25 year repayment period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

You wrote above, "I spoke to him tonight about it and told him the only way he could go part time is if he were to pay off the student debt, we downsized, and drastically cut our expenses. So he said let’s start looking at smaller homes. Not how I wanted that to go. But I guess that is a viable option for us if we are willing to move."

How do you downsize further from a $400K house (unless you are living in say, Arkansas)?

How old are your kids?

We are in a single family home currently so we'd have to downsize into a 1200sq ft condo, townhome, or twin. 3 kids between the ages of 3 and 8. I grew up in a small home, so I'm not averse to it, but I would be sad that we would be less able to host friends and family. And I think DH would really miss having a backyard for his gardening - but if it meant that he could work part-time, he'd be willing to give up the gardening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he thought about academics? If he likes to spend a lot of time sitting around pontificating, it may be the way to go. Clinic work can be grueling.

Do you mean teaching? I had the same idea, but he's not interested in teaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

$400k home, where the heck do you live? Does he have a long commute?

Yeah, as a single breadwinner he can’t dial back. Even with paid off house $120k is tough (we did the math for that) especially with 3 kids. Esp if you have to pay health insurance out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

How many years until your other child is in kindergarten? Seems like once your other child is in school and you go back to work (presumably making at least $50K right?) if he reduced his hours you would have a combined HHI of around $160K. At that point you would have expenses for after school care X 2 so if you were in FFX CO. that would be $1,200 total ($600 each if you did before and after or $400 each if you only did aftercare) plus costs for summer camps. Assuming your other spending is reasonable you guys would be in pretty decent shape. Also, while $150K is a lot of student loans its really not that bad especially if you spread it out over a 20-25 year repayment period.

Thanks, this is helpful. I'd have to work out the numbers to see which options are viable, but I'm nervous about going back to work full-time for the reasons I mentioned. I don't think I would do it without hiring a housekeeper/cook/household manager to help out during the week. And aftercare and summer camp is so expensive in our area! I honestly don't know how all these working parents manage to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here and currently our current take-home pay is around $120k because of our tax bracket. And two more years to go until our youngest is in public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

We are in a single family home currently so we'd have to downsize into a 1200sq ft condo, townhome, or twin. 3 kids between the ages of 3 and 8. I grew up in a small home, so I'm not averse to it, but I would be sad that we would be less able to host friends and family. And I think DH would really miss having a backyard for his gardening - but if it meant that he could work part-time, he'd be willing to give up the gardening.

Ok, so 15 years ago I supported my husband in taking a 40% pay cut to go for his dream job. We had no children at the time. I also ended up taking a pay cut in the move. So, I am not unfamiliar with giving up some things to help your spouse thrive. And I have made many, many more sacrifices in the subsequent 15 years due to the type of work he went into.

That said, there is pretty much NO WAY I would agree to my husband taking part-time work while there are six figure student loans still looming out there. If you guys agree to cut back on certain things, including moving to a townhouse from your already very reasonably priced home, so be it. But until those loans are out of the way, just nope. Also, who carried the health insurance? How will you fund retirement? What happens if one of you becomes sick or disabled and are not able to work? What if one of your children suffers a serious medical condition or disability? What about the children's education? What if one or more of the children find interest in more than one activity?

I echo the others that have said you should talk to a financial planner - not just because you kind of seem to be winging it - but because with proper planning you can probably do all of the things you want to do and prepare for any adverse events as well. But your husband is going to have to step up to the plate and sacrifice too. He owes it to the family to get his loans taken care of before he makes a major change affecting the family income.

[Anonymous]

^NP here but would you feel differently if they refinanced the house and pulled out $150K and paid off the student loans? Now, they have a $150K mortgage and no student loans. IMHO cutting back at work with a $150K mortgage is more than reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

You wrote above, "I spoke to him tonight about it and told him the only way he could go part time is if he were to pay off the student debt, we downsized, and drastically cut our expenses. So he said let’s start looking at smaller homes. Not how I wanted that to go. But I guess that is a viable option for us if we are willing to move."

How do you downsize further from a $400K house (unless you are living in say, Arkansas)?

How old are your kids?

We are in a single family home currently so we'd have to downsize into a 1200sq ft condo, townhome, or twin. 3 kids between the ages of 3 and 8. I grew up in a small home, so I'm not averse to it, but I would be sad that we would be less able to host friends and family. And I think DH would really miss having a backyard for his gardening - but if it meant that he could work part-time, he'd be willing to give up the gardening.

Your husband is breathtakingly selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.

He doesn't make quite that much - if he went part-time, he'd be making around $100-120k. We live in a modest home ($400k) so that keeps our expenses down, and could possibly downsize further if we really had to. Student loan debt is at $150k. Public schools, no daycare, just preschool, one activity per child, and a few camps in the summer. We'll definitely need to cut out the summer camps.

How many years until your other child is in kindergarten? Seems like once your other child is in school and you go back to work (presumably making at least $50K right?) if he reduced his hours you would have a combined HHI of around $160K. At that point you would have expenses for after school care X 2 so if you were in FFX CO. that would be $1,200 total ($600 each if you did before and after or $400 each if you only did aftercare) plus costs for summer camps. Assuming your other spending is reasonable you guys would be in pretty decent shape. Also, while $150K is a lot of student loans its really not that bad especially if you spread it out over a 20-25 year repayment period.

Thanks, this is helpful. I'd have to work out the numbers to see which options are viable, but I'm nervous about going back to work full-time for the reasons I mentioned. I don't think I would do it without hiring a housekeeper/cook/household manager to help out during the week. And aftercare and summer camp is so expensive in our area! I honestly don't know how all these working parents manage to do it.

They work very hard. At full-time jobs. And they step up to their responsibilities and both work and at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

No, I think he would attempt to do his share. But he would do it his way. I wish I was joking about him being handicapped with the household and practical things, but I'm not. It's partly his temperament (very stubborn) and also some kind of disability. With laundry, he doesn't believe in separating and will throw wool sweaters in the dryer. With cooking, he will spread raw chicken juice all over every surface of the kitchen with a soiled rag. With organization, he has never attempted any kind of organization beyond throwing things in the trash. With any kind of communication (social, school, whatever) he will ignore unless he is harassed.

This plus the wanting to change career every few years sounds a lot like ADHD. The stubbornness goes along with it. Has he ever been assessed?

I would press him pretty hard to go to therapy before changing his career. And consider what might be underlying this discontent.