Discontent in any kind of career

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

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OP here and I'm not sure what to tell you - at one point in time, these things were a huge point of conflict, esp. when we first moved in together, but at some point I decided to choose our relationship over "being right". He honest to goodness does not see the point of separating lights and darks - he says it doesn't matter if the whites turn gray, why should it, etc. He doesn't believe that kids should be signed up for any kind of sports or activities outside of school, and that our society in general over-schedules children. And he kicks me out of the house on the rare occasions that he cooks, because I get so visibly anxious about where he is putting that raw chicken. I once caught him trying to cook chicken wings that were so spoiled that they smelled like feces, and we spent a half hour arguing about it because he was convinced it would be fine once he cooked it because it would kill the germs. And he believes that anything that is still sealed never goes bad, including eggs because they have a shell. Again, I wish I were joking, but unfortunately I'm not. He is incredibly intelligent in some areas but sorely missing common sense in other areas, and even after 20 years together, he still finds ways to confound me with his flawed reasoning and his blind attachment to it. When we first met, we argued about things like the existence of "merge lanes" on the highway - he was convinced there was no such thing (after almost getting into several car accidents). There is no diagnosis that fits him, he is an oddball in that respect, but I think the most challenging part is that he doesn't believe he has a problem - he believes everyone else has a problem. Anyway, I digress....

Holy smoke. Sure this wasn’t the life you expected when you decided to be a doctors wife.

Seriously; where does he practice?

LOL, no, and now that I write it out, I am starting to understand why I'm so overwhelmed all the time. He is actually an excellent top-rated physician - so many of his colleagues rave about him, and his patients too.

NP here. Maybe he is top-rated among people who don't know that he doesn't wash his hands between patients and anti-vaxxers because both decide to disregard any science that doesn't suit them. Seriously, where does he practice?

Actually, you have to be a troll. I can't believe anyone would marry or stay married to this selfish, self-absorbed, child.

[Anonymous]

Op here and not a troll. Life isn’t perfect, it never is. Part of DH never wanted to get married and have kids, part of him did. I put the pressure on him for marriage for 4yrs, then put the pressure on him for kids for another 3. I don’t think he would trade any of it, and he now questions why he waited for so long.

I don’t have high expectations, for better or for worse. He completed 3 degrees, has no vices, and is a successful physician and is a good supporting role on the parental front. I didn’t marry him for his cooking or housekeeping abilities. I married him because he was committed, intelligent, and interesting. And i went in blind in terms of his parenting abilities, but he does ok. Just have to make sure to stay alive until the kids are old enough to take care of themselves!

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in on the student loan issue, I consolidated mine at 3% in the early 2000s. The conventional wisdom was to take as long as possible to pay them off because it was cheap money.

[Anonymous]

You should go back to work and he stays home for a while.

What’s good for the goose...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He likely could be diagnosed, but it's not your job to diagnose him or push him to seek one. Please realize, though, that if you go back to work this arrangement you currently have will fall apart. I strongly recommend marriage counseling, probably just in general and definitely to discuss division of labor if you go back to work. For example, you need to agree on a couple what activities the kids will do, what housework is important and who does it, etc. You are a team, and if he wants to scale back his financial contribution -- which is totally reasonable -- that needs to be part of a team effort in which he steps up in other areas. He doesn't just scale back his work and garden while you do everything around the house.

I am married to someone who is similar in some ways, likely diagnosable but generally presents as a man-child. Marriage counseling helped. Good luck.

Like I said, the biggest problem is that he doesn’t recognize he has a problem. I’ve brought up marriage counseling multiple times, and he has shot that down each time. I can’t win any argument and for my own sanity’s sake, I have stopped trying. Our marriage saver was when I stopped working and took over the household/childcare realm. In his defense, he is not a complete man child as he makes a good salary, and he is handy, takes out the trash, plays with the kids.

But yeah. Your point is well taken that if I go back to work full time, it will all fall apart. He knows it on some level, because he doesn’t want me to go back to work. But I think it also stresses him out to be the sole financial provider, and to feel stuck doing something he dislikes for such a big part of his life.

This doesn't belong in Jobs and Careers - it belongs in Relationships. Jesus Christ lady - you are enabling the crap out of this man child. STOP IT.

If he is truly so devoid of common sense that he can't function to do laundry or exercise basic hygiene in the kitchen, then perhaps he can bring home a big salary so that you can outsource as need be.

There is no way in the world I would agree to let him take his foot off the gas. You have done absolutely everything in this relationship and marriage. He must have some A+ qualities for you to put up with this. You can't win any argument so for your sanity's sake you've stopped trying?!

+1000 with those who have suggested a financial advisor. The fact that you are paying off the mortgage before the student loans is a headscratcher. Unless you guys are making money hand over fist I am little mystified as to how you plan for both of you to scale back at work, pay for health insurance, college, and finance retirement.

Kudos to you for being happy. I don't know if I could deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in on the student loan issue, I consolidated mine at 3% in the early 2000s. The conventional wisdom was to take as long as possible to pay them off because it was cheap money.

The other issue is that if he dies, she is not responsible for the student loans whereas she would be responsible for the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Sorry for going off topic. We don’t really do much financial planning but we are financially responsible by living within our means and have a general big picture sense of what to do.

If you want actual numbers, I think student loan interest was 2.8% and mortgage was 2.95%. If we decide to pay down the student debt, that means DH will need to work full time for 5 extra years. And since we still haven’t even half funded our kids college or our retirement, realistically speaking, I’m realizing now that DH will probably need to work full time for at least another 15 years. Unless I find some really lucrative career and go full time, which probably won’t happen.

Time to break the bad news to DH...

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for going off topic. We don’t really do much financial planning but we are financially responsible by living within our means and have a general big picture sense of what to do.

If you want actual numbers, I think student loan interest was 2.8% and mortgage was 2.95%. If we decide to pay down the student debt, that means DH will need to work full time for 5 extra years. And since we still haven’t even half funded our kids college or our retirement, realistically speaking, I’m realizing now that DH will probably need to work full time for at least another 15 years. Unless I find some really lucrative career and go full time, which probably won’t happen.

Time to break the bad news to DH...

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Right. But you can declare bankruptcy and walk away from the house loan in an emergency. The student Loan will follow yo forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for going off topic. We don’t really do much financial planning but we are financially responsible by living within our means and have a general big picture sense of what to do.

If you want actual numbers, I think student loan interest was 2.8% and mortgage was 2.95%. If we decide to pay down the student debt, that means DH will need to work full time for 5 extra years. And since we still haven’t even half funded our kids college or our retirement, realistically speaking, I’m realizing now that DH will probably need to work full time for at least another 15 years. Unless I find some really lucrative career and go full time, which probably won’t happen.

Time to break the bad news to DH...

.

Right. But you can declare bankruptcy and walk away from the house loan in an emergency. The student Loan will follow yo forever.

But in the event of death, the student loan gets cancelled. So given the interest rates on both the loans, even if I were to deduct the mortgage interest, it's kind of a wash. - OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for going off topic. We don’t really do much financial planning but we are financially responsible by living within our means and have a general big picture sense of what to do.

If you want actual numbers, I think student loan interest was 2.8% and mortgage was 2.95%. If we decide to pay down the student debt, that means DH will need to work full time for 5 extra years. And since we still haven’t even half funded our kids college or our retirement, realistically speaking, I’m realizing now that DH will probably need to work full time for at least another 15 years. Unless I find some really lucrative career and go full time, which probably won’t happen.

Time to break the bad news to DH...

.

Right. But you can declare bankruptcy and walk away from the house loan in an emergency. The student Loan will follow yo forever.

But in the event of death, the student loan gets cancelled. So given the interest rates on both the loans, even if I were to deduct the mortgage interest, it's kind of a wash. - OP.

But I assume you have hefty life insurance for doc, which should more than cover loans and then some. You don’t get bankruptcy insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for going off topic. We don’t really do much financial planning but we are financially responsible by living within our means and have a general big picture sense of what to do.

If you want actual numbers, I think student loan interest was 2.8% and mortgage was 2.95%. If we decide to pay down the student debt, that means DH will need to work full time for 5 extra years. And since we still haven’t even half funded our kids college or our retirement, realistically speaking, I’m realizing now that DH will probably need to work full time for at least another 15 years. Unless I find some really lucrative career and go full time, which probably won’t happen.

Time to break the bad news to DH...

.

You are realizing this now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sorry for going off topic. We don’t really do much financial planning but we are financially responsible by living within our means and have a general big picture sense of what to do.

If you want actual numbers, I think student loan interest was 2.8% and mortgage was 2.95%. If we decide to pay down the student debt, that means DH will need to work full time for 5 extra years. And since we still haven’t even half funded our kids college or our retirement, realistically speaking, I’m realizing now that DH will probably need to work full time for at least another 15 years. Unless I find some really lucrative career and go full time, which probably won’t happen.

Time to break the bad news to DH...

.

You are realizing this now?

He only said recently that he would like to go part time. I didn’t work out the numbers til now. I spoke to him tonight about it and told him the only way he could go part time is if he were to pay off the student debt, we downsized, and drastically cut our expenses. So he said let’s start looking at smaller homes. Not how I wanted that to go. But I guess that is a viable option for us if we are willing to move.

[Anonymous]

He only said recently that he would like to go part time. I didn’t work out the numbers til now. I spoke to him tonight about it and told him the only way he could go part time is if he were to pay off the student debt, we downsized, and drastically cut our expenses. So he said let’s start looking at smaller homes. Not how I wanted that to go. But I guess that is a viable option for us if we are willing to move.

Well, it's not like you're going to put up a fight.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you should listen to others who are giving you a hard time and saying you are enabling DH. You have found what works for your sanity and the flow of your family and you should stick with it. No on is perfect, accepting your partners faults makes marriage easier. I personally believe a lot of the folks who are super gung-ho about enforcing the perfect situation at home, end up divorced, because that type of attitude stresses the marriage. Being equal in a marriage does not mean each partner contributes in exactly the same way.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're necessarily in bad shape although you haven't shared any numbers with us. If he's making $300K per year and he takes a 33% paycut to work fewer hours and you're still pulling in $200K per year you should be in good shape since you have no daycare expenses and you have no mortgage. I mean, let's say he took out a ton of student loans and had $300K or $400K in loans (are they even that high?). Your loan payment is basically what other people pay for a mortgage payment.

Work might bother him less if he's working more reasonable hours.