Discontent in any kind of career

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what I’m asking here.... DH did 4yrs of undergrad and then 2 yrs of grad to start one career. But before he actually started the career, he switched gears and started medical school, which was 4 yrs plus 4yrs residency at $30k salary for 110-120 work weeks. And when he started that career, he was unhappy in it, but stuck with it. Maybe because he had in excess of a quarter million in loans to pay off just from med school. I made enough to support us during his residency and paid for our wedding and first home deposit with my savings.

We have young children and now I’m staying home with them. He was making way more than me, and his hours had no flexibility, so it made financial and practical sense for us. We are paying off mortgage and student loans. As we’re getting close to paying off our house, DH is now anxious to either find a new career, or just do part time work. I don’t think he’ll ever be content in a career of any kind, which is a shame because he’s very smart and capable. I don’t want him to feel stuck in a career he’s unhappy in, but at the same time I don’t think he’ll ever find a career he will actually enjoy. Ideally, he’d want to spend his time doing his own thing- either gardening, reading, writing, contemplating philosophy and the nature of life. I suggested teaching, but he doesn’t want to do that either.

I guess I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else who has experienced something similar and could share their story or offer any advice?

[Anonymous]

Almost nobody likes to work - I enjoy my job, and I'd still "retire" now in my 30s if I could afford it. The world is full of better things to do. He doesn't have to love his job but the goal is to "work to live," i.e., cover family needs and then have time for life.

It sounds like he needs a career that allows him some downtime. This is fair. Ideally it's something he can do without retraining - can he work for Kaiser? Join a family practice? Is part time an option? There will be a pay cut and maybe you will need to go back to work - or not, depends on your situation.

[Anonymous]

I understand bouncing around. We choose our fields in our early 20s, and we change as we age. But your DH needs to own his debt. He cannot leave his high paying job until he pays off the debt that he accrued in the pursuit of that job. If he feels "stuck" there while doing so, then he can deal with it like an adult who made a choice and is reaping the consequences.

OF COURSE he wants to spend his own time doing his own thing. WHO DOESN'T?! That's some special snowflake mentality if he thinks he deserves it above others.

I think the PP has some good suggestions like joining a family practice. Our pediatrician office has a bazillion doctors, and I think many only work 2 or 3 days a week. Sure, they're not making bank like other full time doctors, but to me they have the perfect lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost nobody likes to work - I enjoy my job, and I'd still "retire" now in my 30s if I could afford it. The world is full of better things to do. He doesn't have to love his job but the goal is to "work to live," i.e., cover family needs and then have time for life.

It sounds like he needs a career that allows him some downtime. This is fair. Ideally it's something he can do without retraining - can he work for Kaiser? Join a family practice? Is part time an option? There will be a pay cut and maybe you will need to go back to work - or not, depends on your situation.

+1

He can and should look into options that have more reasonable hours/more flexibility. Fine. And it might be that you will need to return to work to maintain your standard of living. But there are millions of people who don't love their jobs and would rather spend their time doing what they are more interested in. That's why they have to pay you to work! He needs to be an adult, own his responsibilities and obligations, and not shortchange his family because he'd rather be gardening.

[Anonymous]

Op here and thanks for the perspectives. These days you just hear so much about finding the work you love or feel passionate about, but I guess that’s just not the reality for most people out there.

And I think you all led me to the obvious answer, which is that DH will eventually need to find a new job (in the same field) with less hours. He’s working an avg of 55hrs a week, so if he can cut that down to 25-30, that would give him enough time to do his thing. He’s fine with sticking it out at his current gig for a little bit longer until we have some $$ set aside for college funds, but it might need to be longer if we also try to pay off his school debt.

And I will be looking to go back to work once my youngest starts school anyway, so that will help. But I am nervous I’ll have to start from square one because I will have been out of the workforce for six years!

[Anonymous]

So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

If he can figure out med school, he can figure out laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and thanks for the perspectives. [/b]These days you just hear so much about finding the work you love or feel passionate about, but I guess that’s just not the reality for most people out there.[b]

And I think you all led me to the obvious answer, which is that DH will eventually need to find a new job (in the same field) with less hours. He’s working an avg of 55hrs a week, so if he can cut that down to 25-30, that would give him enough time to do his thing. He’s fine with sticking it out at his current gig for a little bit longer until we have some $$ set aside for college funds, but it might need to be longer if we also try to pay off his school debt.

And I will be looking to go back to work once my youngest starts school anyway, so that will help. But I am nervous I’ll have to start from square one because I will have been out of the workforce for six years!

This this this! My job is alright. I can pay my bills and save and afford some extras. I love traveling but I’m too financially risk averse (and maybe not creative enough) to make a career out of that. I work reasonable hours and my commute usually isn’t bad. This is adulthood. Not all of us can pursue our passions at work and I think we are doing a disservice to ourselves and younger generations to pretend otherwise. You think all the accountants and customer service reps and truck drivers out there are living their dream at work? Even people with “meaningful” jobs like teachers and doctors dislike their work sometimes.

I think he needs a therapist or career counselor to reset his expectations into something attainable before making any other moves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

No, I think he would attempt to do his share. But he would do it his way. I wish I was joking about him being handicapped with the household and practical things, but I'm not. It's partly his temperament (very stubborn) and also some kind of disability. With laundry, he doesn't believe in separating and will throw wool sweaters in the dryer. With cooking, he will spread raw chicken juice all over every surface of the kitchen with a soiled rag. With organization, he has never attempted any kind of organization beyond throwing things in the trash. With any kind of communication (social, school, whatever) he will ignore unless he is harassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

He has his areas of competence - he's handy at fixing things, he's great with playing with the children, he's great at gardening, and he's great at his job. We all have areas that we are better at than others, but it is just more extreme with him - I would consider him disabled in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

No, I think he would attempt to do his share. But he would do it his way. I wish I was joking about him being handicapped with the household and practical things, but I'm not. It's partly his temperament (very stubborn) and also some kind of disability. With laundry, he doesn't believe in separating and will throw wool sweaters in the dryer. With cooking, he will spread raw chicken juice all over every surface of the kitchen with a soiled rag. With organization, he has never attempted any kind of organization beyond throwing things in the trash. With any kind of communication (social, school, whatever) he will ignore unless he is harassed.

Is he twelve years old?

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped[i] when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

He has his areas of competence - he's handy at fixing things, he's great with playing with the children, he's great at gardening, and he's great at his job. We all have areas that we are better at than others, but it is just more extreme with him - I would consider him disabled in other areas.

Stop using the terms "disabled" and "handicapped" unless he has an actual diagnosis. Which he doesn't.

We all have areas we are better at than others, but adults do what we need to do regardless of what we are good at. It is not acceptable for a full-grown adult to decide not to "believe in" separating laundry or not figure the hell out out how to keep track of the kids' schedule and get them to their activities.

If he didn't want to step up to the parts of parenting that he is "not good at," he should not have had kids.