Anyone give up their career for family?

[Anonymous]

I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

Do you worry about your ability to work again if you ever want to? I'm in somewhat similar situation (though I do find my work interesting / challenging) but worry that I'd be basically signing up to never have a "real" career again and it seems to early to throw in the professional towel in that full retirement for ~30 years when my kids don't need me much / at all anymore is a lot of years to kill

I also struggle with the idea of giving up my ability to earn a real income if needed (say DH had a long term illness that took him out of workforce but didn't kick in life insurance policies or he had a mid life crisis and decided to get a young gf). I guess if DH and I divorced our savings would ensure I wasn't screwed but I fear the loss of the ability to be financially independent.

Not judging your choices, just wondering how you think about these issues since they're ones I'm grappling with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

Do you worry about your ability to work again if you ever want to? I'm in somewhat similar situation (though I do find my work interesting / challenging) but worry that I'd be basically signing up to never have a "real" career again and it seems to early to throw in the professional towel in that full retirement for ~30 years when my kids don't need me much / at all anymore is a lot of years to kill

I also struggle with the idea of giving up my ability to earn a real income if needed (say DH had a long term illness that took him out of workforce but didn't kick in life insurance policies or he had a mid life crisis and decided to get a young gf). I guess if DH and I divorced our savings would ensure I wasn't screwed but I fear the loss of the ability to be financially independent.

Not judging your choices, just wondering how you think about these issues since they're ones I'm grappling with

I’m fairly confident I could get a job. I worked in finance/accounting. I probably wouldn’t make the big bucks but I’m pretty sure someone would hire me.

DH is obsessed with security, has a stable profession and we have a lot of savings. Also have disability and life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

Do you worry about your ability to work again if you ever want to? I'm in somewhat similar situation (though I do find my work interesting / challenging) but worry that I'd be basically signing up to never have a "real" career again and it seems to early to throw in the professional towel in that full retirement for ~30 years when my kids don't need me much / at all anymore is a lot of years to kill

I also struggle with the idea of giving up my ability to earn a real income if needed (say DH had a long term illness that took him out of workforce but didn't kick in life insurance policies or he had a mid life crisis and decided to get a young gf). I guess if DH and I divorced our savings would ensure I wasn't screwed but I fear the loss of the ability to be financially independent.

Not judging your choices, just wondering how you think about these issues since they're ones I'm grappling with

Not the pp, but I quit my job and a couple of years later, my doctor husband got addicted to opiates and was fired and charged with a felony by the small community hospital he worked for. Rehab, lawyer fees, etc were expensive and wiped out a lot of our savings. But I got another job. Our part time sitter increased her hours to help with the kids, and his disability insurance kicked in. Even in that situation, I don’t ever remember wishing that I had spent more time working when my kids were really little. In fact, I was greatful that they had such a stable childhood, and I had had time to form some very close friendships when this major upheaval happened in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did. I left biglaw for government, and now I'm scaling back at that government job. Life is short and precious, and work is neither. I take pride in doing my job well but if I could (comfortably) afford to quit, I would in a heartbeat.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

That pp seems to think she has a lock on the misery department and that her misfortune is so much worse than anyone else's. Its not a race or competition for who had the worst situation. Further, she actually did have the option not to work because she had the luxury of a spouse that worked and provided much needed health insurance for their SN kid. She made the CHOICE to stay home with her child and be so involved in his care because it was what she deemed best for her family. She has fooled herself into thinking she had no choice in the matter.

Taking less money for less hours is not giving up your career. That is making career choices. If they were a single parent, parent probably would have to go on welfare/benefits. That's great you have a neighbor to babysit. We didn't have that option. I couldn't afford to pay for care for a SN child and senior on my salary and one person couldn't do it all. It was a nightmare you've never experienced.

1. I'm not the PP you think I am. Welfare and benefits? Do you know what pittance that is?
2. How do you know what I've experienced? I'm really sorry it was such a nightmare for you, but that doesn't give you license to judge people you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what a privileged position it would be to be able to do that. But I have managed to co-exist as a career woman and a mother, and both career and offspring are doing fine.

You have never been in a situation where you needed to so you can call it a privilege. I had no choice. I had a SN child and a relative I had to be a full time caregiver to and the cost of paying two people to do that (plus all the therapies for both of them) would be unaffordable. Then, we had some other major issues for several years. There was no way I could work and do it all. For me, working was a privilege. I hope you never have the things we have/had where it is a necessity. Its easy to be a mother when your kids can go to regular day care or get a nanny and its no issue. Its a different story when your child has 1-2 therapies a day that are up to 40 minutes each way plus a specialize preschool 35 minutes away. Not to mention the senior care (tried an adult day care and that didn't work as it was terrible).

I was in the same situation but as a single parent and the sole source of health insurance, I had to keep working. Thankfully my neighbor took care of my DD and I traded childcare for cleaning her house, pet sitting and house sitting.

No neighbor would ever have taken care of my severely autistic DS. In fact even family wouldn’t babysit him until he was 11 years old.
It was a very intense, sleepless 11 years. And then after much work he started to calm some .

DP: so what would you have done if you were a single parent? I get what you're saying, but not everyone does have the choice to stop working. They just don't.

Taking less money for less hours is not giving up your career. That is making career choices. If they were a single parent, parent probably would have to go on welfare/benefits. That's great you have a neighbor to babysit. We didn't have that option. I couldn't afford to pay for care for a SN child and senior on my salary and one person couldn't do it all. It was a nightmare you've never experienced.

1. I'm not the PP you think I am. Welfare and benefits? Do you know what pittance that is?
2. How do you know what I've experienced? I'm really sorry it was such a nightmare for you, but that doesn't give you license to judge people you know nothing about.

That pp seems to think she has a lock on the misery department and that her misfortune is so much worse than anyone else's. Its not a race or competition for who had the worst situation. Further, she actually did have the option not to work because she had the luxury of a spouse that worked and provided much needed health insurance for their SN kid. She made the CHOICE to stay home with her child and be so involved in his care because it was what she deemed best for her family. She has fooled herself into thinking she had no choice in the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

Do you worry about your ability to work again if you ever want to? I'm in somewhat similar situation (though I do find my work interesting / challenging) but worry that I'd be basically signing up to never have a "real" career again and it seems to early to throw in the professional towel in that full retirement for ~30 years when my kids don't need me much / at all anymore is a lot of years to kill

I also struggle with the idea of giving up my ability to earn a real income if needed (say DH had a long term illness that took him out of workforce but didn't kick in life insurance policies or he had a mid life crisis and decided to get a young gf). I guess if DH and I divorced our savings would ensure I wasn't screwed but I fear the loss of the ability to be financially independent.

Not judging your choices, just wondering how you think about these issues since they're ones I'm grappling with

Not the pp, but I quit my job and a couple of years later, my doctor husband got addicted to opiates and was fired and charged with a felony by the small community hospital he worked for. Rehab, lawyer fees, etc were expensive and wiped out a lot of our savings. But I got another job. Our part time sitter increased her hours to help with the kids, and his disability insurance kicked in. Even in that situation, I don’t ever remember wishing that I had spent more time working when my kids were really little. In fact, I was greatful that they had such a stable childhood, and I had had time to form some very close friendships when this major upheaval happened in our lives.

I'm so sorry you had to get through this, but I'm curious why you assume that those of us who work do not have children with a "stable childhood."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

It’s ok to say you enjoy your job and find its importance matters to you. But if you were to die tomorrow, they’d fill your position the next day. Would your role at home be so easily filled? Maybe THAT is what truly “matters”. Your job fulfills you most in life, just be honest with yourself.

I love my job too. I do important work that matters to others. But I’m not a fool. I know I’m easily replaced tomorrow. What matters most in life is within those four walls of home. I’m not as easily replaced there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did and I don't regret it. Nothing that I got from my job except money mattered. Once I realized that climbing corporate ladder led to nowhere, it was easy for me to step back and focus on my family.

There are several jobs that "matter." I advocate on behalf of cancer patients to ensure they and their families receive the care they need. I am also a pretty good mom. I'm not climbing a corporate ladder, but I'm paid well enough and want to make the world a better place while I raise children who also contribute to society.

It’s ok to say you enjoy your job and find its importance matters to you. But if you were to die tomorrow, they’d fill your position the next day. Would your role at home be so easily filled? Maybe THAT is what truly “matters”. Your job fulfills you most in life, just be honest with yourself.

I love my job too. I do important work that matters to others. But I’m not a fool. I know I’m easily replaced tomorrow. What matters most in life is within those four walls of home. I’m not as easily replaced there.

NP. Your comparison is illogical. There is ONE person who can be your children's biological mother. There are thousands or even millions of people who could be doctors/lawyers/what have you. So obviously replacing a parent is never the same thing as replacing an employee. I'm not saying that someone's job should matter to them more than their children, but your analogy is seriously flawed.

[Anonymous]

I essentially gave up my career in medicine to stay at home with my kids. I do just enough to keep my skills up (at least once a month). I’ll probably never work full time again, although I wouldn’t mind working once a week when my kids are much older.

[Anonymous]

I'm 35 with two children and seriously have mommy tracked myself. I now make around $65,000 dollars. DH and I both have advanced degrees and many of my female peers have really committed themselves to their careers and are doing really well. I do regret it and tell myself that I will lean in again in 5-10 years. However the alternatives - leaning in and never seeing my family, OR dropping out entirely aren't for me. So I am in this in-between place of having all the downsides of being WOH but not the high earnings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

Do you worry about your ability to work again if you ever want to? I'm in somewhat similar situation (though I do find my work interesting / challenging) but worry that I'd be basically signing up to never have a "real" career again and it seems to early to throw in the professional towel in that full retirement for ~30 years when my kids don't need me much / at all anymore is a lot of years to kill

I also struggle with the idea of giving up my ability to earn a real income if needed (say DH had a long term illness that took him out of workforce but didn't kick in life insurance policies or he had a mid life crisis and decided to get a young gf). I guess if DH and I divorced our savings would ensure I wasn't screwed but I fear the loss of the ability to be financially independent.

Not judging your choices, just wondering how you think about these issues since they're ones I'm grappling with

Not the pp, but I quit my job and a couple of years later, my doctor husband got addicted to opiates and was fired and charged with a felony by the small community hospital he worked for. Rehab, lawyer fees, etc were expensive and wiped out a lot of our savings. But I got another job. Our part time sitter increased her hours to help with the kids, and his disability insurance kicked in. Even in that situation, I don’t ever remember wishing that I had spent more time working when my kids were really little. In fact, I was greatful that they had such a stable childhood, and I had had time to form some very close friendships when this major upheaval happened in our lives.

Similar story, sort of. My DH was the big earner for 12+ years. I scaled way back and worked PT for a local business for about 7+ years. Then he became disabled, could barely pull himself out of bed and was fired from his job. I saw the trouble ahead and applied for a FT job in my company before the axe fell. I was the sole earner while he recovered and applied for new jobs - this took about 2 years. Youngest went into extended day and we have a teen. DH did get hired after 9 months of looking. He'll go back to earning roughly what he made before, but man - it was a wake-up call. We tapped into savings and are current on the mortgage, but we have almost 20k in credit card debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mommy tracked myself and then worked part time. It seemed like a waste of time when DH earned so much so I stopped working.

I was the default parent and took all the snow and sick days and was responsible for drop off, pick up and all activities.

My pt job was neither challenging nor well paid. It felt like I was working for the sake of working. DH earns a seven figure income so we didn’t need my income.

Do you worry about your ability to work again if you ever want to? I'm in somewhat similar situation (though I do find my work interesting / challenging) but worry that I'd be basically signing up to never have a "real" career again and it seems to early to throw in the professional towel in that full retirement for ~30 years when my kids don't need me much / at all anymore is a lot of years to kill

I also struggle with the idea of giving up my ability to earn a real income if needed (say DH had a long term illness that took him out of workforce but didn't kick in life insurance policies or he had a mid life crisis and decided to get a young gf). I guess if DH and I divorced our savings would ensure I wasn't screwed but I fear the loss of the ability to be financially independent.

Not judging your choices, just wondering how you think about these issues since they're ones I'm grappling with

Not the pp, but I quit my job and a couple of years later, my doctor husband got addicted to opiates and was fired and charged with a felony by the small community hospital he worked for. Rehab, lawyer fees, etc were expensive and wiped out a lot of our savings. But I got another job. Our part time sitter increased her hours to help with the kids, and his disability insurance kicked in. Even in that situation, I don’t ever remember wishing that I had spent more time working when my kids were really little. In fact, I was greatful that they had such a stable childhood, and I had had time to form some very close friendships when this major upheaval happened in our lives.

I'm so sorry you had to get through this, but I'm curious why you assume that those of us who work do not have children with a "stable childhood."

I certainly didn’t mean to insult anyone. My kids have a recovering addict for a father, and I think they have a lovely childhood. So, I am not going to make generalizations about anyone else. People in glass houses and all that.
It just seems to me that if you have a family with two parents with big careers and no one taking a step back, it’s possible that the death of a parent or a parent walking out or a serious illness or any of the other thongs mentioned by the pp could be more difficult because those relationships with parents and kids, kids and extended family, parent and friends, parent and extended family, kids and friends of parents, etc etc aren’t as strong and well tended. Finances are important, but they aren’t the only thing that matters in the event of a family tragedy. There is more than one way to put money in the bank, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

We both left big firm partnerships. I'm not sure what you are asking with "come to terms with" though. We weighed the options and made the best choice for us. No regrets.